Here I Stand, 6 Feet Small

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O.k., so I’m not really 6 feet, in fact, I am only a few inches over 5 feet small, but this is how I feel as I prepare to receive Matan Torah. Here I am again, standing at the base of the mountain, preparing myself phyiscally, emotionally, spiritually for the gift of Torah. And, while I receive this gift on a yearly basis and engage with this figt on a daily, even hourly basis, I always feel a tremendous sense of responsibility and hesitation as I approach Shavuot. It is odd, seeing as I have counted the last 49 days (except last night when I forgot… I almost made it!), and begun to prepare myself, through the exodus, through the journey to this point. But, I am not prepared, I am as far from ready as I think I can be.

Last year, the counting of the Omer was a literal counting of the days between when I left home during Pesach and would arrive back home at the end of my year and begin my trip and preparation for this fantastic year in Israel. The symbolism stuck with me, stood out as a gift, I counted the days from an exodus to a new journey, to a new gift. This year, the counting is much sadder. This year, I counted each day, knowing that I was counting one day closer to my impending departure from Jerusalem and Israel. And now, the time is here. 2 weeks from tomorrow, I board a plane and head on out.

So, knowing all of this, how will I accept the gift of Torah? How can I possibly take it all in, standing at the bottom of this mountain, looking up? Perhpas I will approach it like i approach rabbinical school: head held high, ready to learn and jump each day, but taking it step by step, carefully taking it all in, careful not to fall, stumbling a bit, finding new paths, finding better paths, achy and sore on the way, but changing and growing none-the-less. Perhaps, I will approach this mountain looming before me with trepidation but excitement, jumping with anticipation at the new insights just waiting to be discovered this turn around. As Rabbi Ben Bag Bag says in Perkei Avot: “Turn it and turn it over again, for all is within it…” Here we go for another round.

Here I stand, awaiting the gift, looking back from where I came, how I’ve grown on this journey, looking ahead at the climb, and looking forward to every minute of the adventure. What will I find? What will I take? What will I learn? What will i teach? Who will I be?

COME STAND WITH ME!

May it be your will, great compassionate, loving God, that I stand here again a year from now, wiser, and more open to accepting your gift. Thank you for the gift of your loving embrace, the gift of the sun and the glorious land which you have given me to enjoy, for the health and happiness of all those who surround me. May I never take for granted the beauty of your earth, the gift of your Torah, and the gift of my life.

Never Saw Blue Like That Before

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Every morning, I walk to school, and take in the beauty that surrounds me. The luscious green trees that line the path to Schechter, the Keneset straight ahead of me. The purples, yellows, reds of the flowers that greet me. The voices of children laughing on their way to school. Some days, I turn around about half way up the “mountain” and look out onto the city, look back at my apartment, and realize, I AM IN ISRAEL! As much of a pain in the you know what as the walk with my huge back pack is to get to school, I love it. I am thankful, grateful for this time in the morning, this precious experience that I have had this year.

Only, this past week, every morning, I would walk out of my apartment and be stunned by the clear blue of the sky ahead of me. the pristine blue sky that greets me, not a cloud to be seen. Or, the sky last Leil Shabbat, the intricate blending of blues, from dark to light, to glowing, the glitter of the stars and the sliver of a moon that peaked out to give me light. I happen to love taking in the sky, taking in the nature that surrounds me, but here it is different. here the colors are more vivid, here the blue is more pristine, here it feels more beautiful to me.

I have so many different pictures of the sky in Israel, perhaps I walk around with my head in the cloudss a bit too often. Or, maybe, I am looking up to take it in, and find the place most high to fill myself with. I have never seen blue like this before. I have never seen views this spectacular everywhere I look.

I can’t imagine waking up in just 2 short weeks without these magnificent gifts, no more yellow mornings because of a dust storm, or pristine blue skies that serve as the backdrop to the holy city. But, I think that is why it means to much to me. I have never seen blue like this before, only in Jerusalem, only in Ir HaKodesh. Take a look at the sky today, take in its calming presence, take in the smile of the sun, and the glow of the moon. Wish upon a star. What an incredible gift!

Leading you, Leading me

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Recently, I have had a few more opportunities to act as a Shlichat Tzibur, the person who leads the prayer for the community. Aside from doing a presentation today on the halachic basis for women acting as shlichat tizbur, I have been thinking about what it means to me.
When i stand before the community and lead services, I feel a sense of closeness to God that I don’t’ feel when I daven alone. I feel a sense of power, a connection to others, a connection to myself. I love the feeling of standing before a community and acting on their behalf. Even though they are actually able to fulfill this obligation themselves and my presence is nothing more than a symbol, I feel alive.
Perhaps this comes because growing up, I always saw my grandfathers or father acting as the Shaliach Tzibur, and I wanted to do the same. Or because i hear their voices in my head when I start davening. Perhaps it is they rhythm of the words that puts me into a peaceful place, or maybe it is merely because I like to be the leader. I am not sure if it is one, or all of these things, but I love the feeling i have after leading a great service.
I think this goes back to my love of teaching, and the lack of opportunities i have had this year to be a teacher in the formal classroom setting. I have taught my classmates through group presentations, and through sharing my struggles with the circumstances of my life. But I have not been able to feel the joy and love of teaching I feel when I am in the classroom or informal setting really sharing the knowledge and learning from one another.
Regardless of what the feeling is, I love it, and I have missed it. With this, i feel connected to those whose presence is felt through prayer, and not their physical closeness, and with this, I feel connected to the one most high.

Yerushalayim Shel Zahav,

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Jerusalem of Gold, such famous and powerful words. Do they refer to the color of Jerusalem Stone at sunset? the color of the dome of the rock which stands out so prominently? To the yellow color of the sky in a sand storm? To the shimmering gold sun most days? the gold flowers that smile at me as I walk to school? to the preciousness of this city, the rare gift? to the gold of the heart?
Today is Yom Yerushalayim, celebrating 40 years of a unified Jerusalem. And there is so much to think about. In my lifetime, Jerusalem has been what it is, the boundaries changing slightly, but we have always had the old city. We have fought for our right to live freely and without fear, but we have lived here. Jerusalem, the city with so many complexities it makes my head spin. So many psalms written about the love affair with this special city. SO many blisters, so many dirty feet, so many smiles, laughs, memories.
This precious place that i have been so lucky to call my home for the past 9 months, and an additional 6 months. This place that I will never forget, that will never be far from my consciousness when I leave in just over 2 weeks.
And so this Yom Yerushalayim, I look out the window at the freak thunderstorm, and wonder what we are celebrating? A unified Jerusalem that is unraveling with a barrier between parts? The Jerusalem I am living in? The Jerusalem of old? The Jerusalem of the tanach? Or, the Jerusalem of my heart, the sacred space that is filled with memories, but more than that, filled with my spiritual journey. The place in each individual where they have found their center, their golden stone, their golden experience, their place?!?!

My First, My Last, My Everything

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It is the time of year where people are beginning to leave, things are beginning to change. Within the next month, my year in Israel will end and I will return to Detroit for a brief stint before moving to Chicago for my summer job and then back to LA for school. In this time, many of the people who became my family this year will begin to go their separate ways. Some I’ll see in a few short months when I return to LA, some I’ll see in a few months when I travel to their wedding, and some, I don’t know when I will see again. It is such a strange feeling. It seems like I just got here yesterday, like I just left Detroit a week ago. Yet, at the same time, it feels like I have been here forever. Perhaps it is the intense environment that I have been living in that allows relationships to grow and build much quicker than in a “normal” setting. Perhaps these feelings come from the incredible ups and downs I have felt this year. Perhaps this feeling comes from this in between place I find myself in.

Here I am counting down the days until I go home, as up until now, I counted the months since I left and the months I have lived here. I am constantly torn. I want to go back to my family, my friends, my community, to the places where I am comfortable. But at the same time, I don’t want to leave this community I have found here. I don’t want to leave this place that I love so much, the holiness and connection I feel in everyday activities. I don’t want to leave the learning, the rich environment, and the struggles. I don’t want to leave the ease of living in a place that is Jewish, with all of the challenges that come with it. I want to see my mom, hug her, and my dad, my sister, my dog. I want to share a Shabbat with my community, with those who helped me to get to where I am. But I don’t want to leave those who helped be become who I am this year.

And I find myself surrounded by lasts. Everyone has started to say “this is my last….” And many are having their “first last……” it is a very strange feeling to think about lasts when I feel like there are so many first still to be had. Just when I thought I had it figured out to some degree, it is all changed again.

Tonight I walked home from shul with my friend Matt, as we had our last walk home from shul together, I got nostalgic. It was very much Matt and his wife Jen who helped build the community I have loved being a part of this year. And I will see them again soon in Los Angeles when we learn together. They are 2 people who I am very lucky to have in my community this year who will continue to be a part of my life. I think I would have been lost without them this year. It is then very fitting that I have a “last” with them, as I also had many firsts with them. My first Shabbat in Israel, the day I arrived I was whisked off to their home for an incredible Shabbat dinner, I had my first nap in a park on Shabbat with them, my first visit to the Kotel on this visit, my first amazing waffle and the waffle bar on Aza with them, my first trip to the mall, and so many more.

It is strange to think that in the next month I’ll have many firsts and many lasts. But, maybe they are not lasts. I hope that they are not lasts. I hope to return to this amazing city, to this land that speaks to me so beautifully and clearly, and have many more experiences. Instead of focusing on the “last…” I think I’ll focus on the “firsts.” Perhaps I’m in denial that I am leaving, or perhaps I don’t want to think about the finality of this year. But, I think it is more than that. I think I am trying to find a way to take this with me. It is not a last, but a new beginning. This year was a first in so many ways… this year was a first, a last and SOOOO MUCH MORE!! And for all of that I am grateful and proud.