Looking at you through the glass…

All i know is that it feels like forever, No one ever told you that forever feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head! ~Stone Sour

This week has been one of self-reflection and refletion on Israeli society. I have so many mixed reactions, emotions, throughts going through my head. So much to think about, so much I am trying to figure out. I am having one of those weeks where I feel the growing pains of growing up, and it’s a bit hard. I am growing, I have been growing and I will continue to grow, but this week, it hurt. I am not sure why, but it did. I did a lot of thinking, about where I am in my life, where I want to be, who I am and who I want to be. And I am no closer to having the answers than I was last week, but the thoughts are in my head, floating around, tapping me on the shoulder and then running away. I cannot capture what is poking me, but whatever it is has definitely made me think, a lot. It is one of those weeks where I want to cry and have someone hold me, but at the same time, ther eare no tears running down my cheeks. The tears are invisible, hidden, or maybe they are stuck, behind my eyes, behind the strength I am projecting to others. When they come, I will know.

This past week I did some reflecting on Music. The beats, the sounds, the movements, they are universal. Music can move people, can make someone smile, or it can make someone cry. It can make my heart skip a beat, from excitement or frustration. Sometimes, there is just that one perfect song that completley fits your mood, expresses what you cannot put into words. Sometimes music is a comfort, it makes me feel at home, and sometimes it makes me miss home. But, nevertheless, music is universal. This week Israeli and American students sang together, danced together celebrating the memory of Reb Shlomo Carlebach. We danced, sang, reflected, all to the same notes of the guitar, the same intention. I just liked how we were all able to connect, rejoice, remember and be together.

I have also been thinking a lot about Israel lately. What a complicated State I am living in. Each day brings with it a new adventure, new challenges, to being myself, to my identity as a Jew, to who I am, to what I am doing. And I still love it.

I’m all over the place tonight, that’s what happens when I have time to think, time to share my thoughts, time to try and figure out who I am, what I’m doing and where I am going. Today was a great day, I got some work done, had a yummy steak dinner with a new friend, met with my teacher… yet I feel unfulfilled, I feel alone, I feel disappointed and I don’t know why. I guess after weeks of constant hustle and bustle, this is o.k… but it is an icky feeling. I’m trying to embrace it, trying to let it go, enjoy the moment, but something is holding me back, holding me in this place, this refletion, this growing pain. I hope that it passes quickly, that the growth continues with smiles, and hugs…

Maybe, I just need a hug! A smile can make my day, but a hug can leave me speechless… HUG ME!

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2 thoughts on “Looking at you through the glass…

  1. Paula Brown November 10, 2006 / 1:39 pm

    DONE@ Here’s a hug! I am so enjoying your blog. I love seeing how this journey is affecting you. I love that you’re where you are — where y7ou want to be. Keep living and learning. And whatever you do, keep blogging!

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