Aseh L’cha Rav, Knei L’cha Chaver, And away we go…

Eve Posen2 Comments
This week has flown by. I can’t believe it is already Wednesday. That means that tomorrow morning, around 8:30, i will be on a bus with my classmates/peers from Schechter on our way to hike Ein Gedi, then Kibbutz Ketura for Shabbat. THis includes a long, mountain hike on friday and some itme at the beach in Eilat! I am very excited to leave Jerualem, and spend some time really connecting with the land of Israel. It will be great to get to know my classmates more, and share the beauty and richness of the land with them! I am sure I will have much to add when the tiyul is over, and I am exhausted!

Last night, I had my second session of the Ta Shma, Rav Siach program for interdenominational learning. The topic was Aseh L’cha Rav, Knei L’cha Chaver, make for yourself a Rav, Acquire for yourself a friend. I have often thought about this verse, but never have been able to understand it’s true meaning. And, i don’t know if I am any closer now that I have studied it. What i do know, is that I have a long way to go before I consider myself a Rav. We listed attributes that we think are essential to a Rav, and I strive towards these each day. I realized that I don’t have one rav, but many ravs. that is to say, I consider many people, friends, rabbis, colleagues, family to be my rav, they have all taught me something in my life time, and I hope I have taught them in return. The action here, is active, MAKE FOR YOURSELF. Go out, find that person, find that one space where you have a Rav. I must go out and make for myself a Rav, and myake myself a rav to the best of my ability. BUT, I am only a rav when someone else makes me their rav, I cannot force this on someone else. I have to wonder, if I will ever become the Rav I aspire to be… I know I am closer, but the journey is still a long one! I love the learning at Ta Shma, and I am meeting some very interesting people who will be my colleagues one day, and perhaps even become my rav!

Today, I had one of those moments where things are starting to click in classes. My talmud class is particularly challenging for me because the Professor doesnt’ speak English, only French and Hebrew. There are also 5 Israelis in the class who, it has become clear to me, have learned to learn Gemara differently from me, and also speak very, very fast. But today, after hours of prep on my own, and review, I understood the entire class, I spoke in class! This was a breakthrough moment for me! In school in general, my Hebrew has improved rapidly, and continues to do so on a daily basis. I am confident in my Hebrew, make announcements in Hebrew, do all that crazy stuff! I am also realizing just how much I don’t know. This happened at the beginning of Rabbinical School, I realized how much I don’t know and how overwhelming it was. It has happened again, only now, i know I have a solid foundation, and I know that I will be abel to use the tools I have learned to find the answers I am looking for.

Today, I had my Ah HAH moment, and it was fantastic. I love the learning, I will need to continue to work hard, but it’s o.k. because I am happy! Hebrew is a fun language, even if i get frustrated sometimes. Israel is a wonderful classroom!! ENJOY, LOVE, LIVE!!

Comfort

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Craziness, i know, too many posts in too short a time, but alas, my brain is on overdrive, so, I have a lot to write about!
It never occured to me how much I rely on certain things for comfort. When I feel sad, or lonely, or tired, there are certain things I have become accustomed to doing to cheer myself up. When I am cold, or really lonely, I bundle up in my University of Michigan sweatshirt and pants, and then I feel better. When I miss home, I always can rely on my emails from family I have posted on my walls, and my pictures to make me smile. When I need a good cry, I have my trusty stuffed animals I hug and my perfect crying mix that I put on my ipod (now that it works!).

I didn’t realize, however, that I spend a lot of time thinking about people to call to cheer me up. Most of the time, it works, I have my set people! My mom for support, my aunts to make me smile, make me happy, my cousin to make me laugh, and then my friends. I have those set friends who I can always count on, or I thought I could. Sometimes, I guess I don’t realize how distant I ahve become from people until I finally talk to them, and it’s all different. That happened today. I called one of my trusty friends, one of my best friends, or so I thought. And then, mid conversation, after 2 months of not talking, it hit me. I’m the only one making an effort here, I’m the only one who cares if we talk. As much as this person tried to tell me I was wrong, I knew I was right. And it was all sealed when said person hung up on me because they had another call coming in after only 5 minutes of conversation after a 2 month void. I was the one paying, this person wasn’t doing anything that couldn’t be put off. It was just out of selfishness, that after 6 years of sharing our lives together, this person couldn’t give me the 5 minutes i needed as a friend. Maybe I was expecting too much! But, it hurts! It hurts to know that I have to re-evaluate that friendship that means to much to me. I miss my friends!

I guess my heart is too open, and I depend too much on other people. Most of my friends would be there for me, that I know. But I guess I need to re-evaluate my list of calls. I need to reconfigure who I can count on, because clearly that has changed. My heart is fragile, breakable, open and full of love. I think all of our hearts are like this. Too bad more people don’t recognize this!

SHAVUA TOV, MAY YOU HAVE A GOOD WEEK…

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MAY YOU FIND THE HAPPINESS THAT YOU SEEK…..
Wow, three in a row, must be our lucky days!! I was walking home from Seudah Shlishit (the third meal) and singing in my and maybe just a little bit aloud, some of my favorite Seduah Shlishit songs! And I realized how much I miss home. Well, not home as in the physical space my family lives in (Which I do miss), but really, I miss my synagogue, my cantor, my chevre. I grew up in my Shul, with the rabbis, the same people. These people have watched me grow from week to week, month to month, year to year. They have been almost like another family to me. I feel at home in my Shul, i know the faces I will see, I know who will sit where. It is comfortable, it is special, it is my place. And, I have yet to find a place to go in LA or here in Israel that offers me the Seudah Shlishit i am looking for.

I know, it must be obvious. I cannot find what I am looking for because it only exists in one special place, my Shul. But, I keep looking, every week. I hope that I will find a place that feels like home, that feels like where I belong. And every week, I am let down. I find myself looking back to the days when I am home, when I know who will sit next to me, who will want more potato chips, who will drink the scotch, who will want vodka. I miss knowin the order of the songs, being called on to sing Yom Ze Mechubad, my sister leading Shir HaMalot. I miss trying to introduce new tunes, and mixing in with the old melodies. I miss the mumble of the aramaic for Atkinu Tzudato. I miss my friends, my synagogue family. I can’t describe it. I guess I’m a creature of habit, and I just don’t feel right when I end Shabbat without singing the “proper” songs, without my l’chaim, without my family.

This feeling is quite strong, especially when I am in shul. I miss my chazzan, he’s known me for my entire life, he knows me, he’s known me throughout my journey, and he is a part of the journey. For, without his guidance, I would never have learned or fell in love with the liturgy, the nusach, the trope. With his help and the help of m Bat Mitzvah tutor (z’l) i began to fall in love with what will now become my career. I miss my Rabbis, their guidance, and support. They have helped to nurture me over the years, and in many ways, I model my rabbinate after their examples. I of course am my own person, but I owe my synagogue so much of who I am.

Lest you think I am forgetting my mom and dad, or the rest of my family, fear not. I miss them too. I miss sitting next to my dad, my mom, my sister, my papa. I miss sitting with my Zayde, or in between my nana and papa when I was growing up. For, they too are a part of the experience. Had my parents not brought me to shul eveyr week, or shared their love of Judaism with me, who knows where I would have ended up. But, lucky for me, these important people shared with me their love, their dedication and commitment, and have helped to make me who I am today.

Alright, enough praises for one day, and enough memories. I miss home, I miss my Shul… while I am very fulfilled here, I miss the little things, I miss my shul family, my supporters, who I know are supporting me even on my journey across the world!
SHAVUA TOV TO ALL, May this week be a blessing upon each of you!

P.S. I remembered what I forgot to blog about yesterday, CHAI! Thanks to my friend Steve, I have a new addiction, Chai at the Coffee Shop… say goodbye to my money now!!

Quick Pre-Shabbat Update- 2 this week!

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A few quick things on my mind before Shabbat… my first shabbat of pure rest in 10 weeks!
1. OUTDOOR/INDOOR EATERIES: one of the best parts about Israel is that most places have a place to eat outdoors and indoors. One might think that the outdoor part must be closed for the winter, but think again my fine friends. Most of my favorite places to eat, (the waffle bar and my corner bar) have most of their seating outdoors, so I wondered what they would do in the winter. Turns out, they put of walls, and a roof, and Voila, they have an indoor eatery… AMAZING!
2. SHABBAT OF REST: I am spending this Shabbat just with myself and reflecting on the past few weeks. I am really looking forward to the reflection time, and the scrumcious lunch I have planned for tomorrow! Everyone needs some rest sometimes!
3. Oh no, I can’t remember: There was something else i wanted to comment on, but now it has escaped my mind. I am sure once i light my candles, I will remember! Such is mylife! On the plus side, I did have a hot shower today! YAY!! Here’s to hopeing the heat is on for more than just 3 hours for Shabbat!!
Shabbat Shalom, may it be a blessing upon you!!

Looking at you through the glass…

Eve Posen2 Comments
All i know is that it feels like forever, No one ever told you that forever feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head! ~Stone Sour

This week has been one of self-reflection and refletion on Israeli society. I have so many mixed reactions, emotions, throughts going through my head. So much to think about, so much I am trying to figure out. I am having one of those weeks where I feel the growing pains of growing up, and it’s a bit hard. I am growing, I have been growing and I will continue to grow, but this week, it hurt. I am not sure why, but it did. I did a lot of thinking, about where I am in my life, where I want to be, who I am and who I want to be. And I am no closer to having the answers than I was last week, but the thoughts are in my head, floating around, tapping me on the shoulder and then running away. I cannot capture what is poking me, but whatever it is has definitely made me think, a lot. It is one of those weeks where I want to cry and have someone hold me, but at the same time, ther eare no tears running down my cheeks. The tears are invisible, hidden, or maybe they are stuck, behind my eyes, behind the strength I am projecting to others. When they come, I will know.

This past week I did some reflecting on Music. The beats, the sounds, the movements, they are universal. Music can move people, can make someone smile, or it can make someone cry. It can make my heart skip a beat, from excitement or frustration. Sometimes, there is just that one perfect song that completley fits your mood, expresses what you cannot put into words. Sometimes music is a comfort, it makes me feel at home, and sometimes it makes me miss home. But, nevertheless, music is universal. This week Israeli and American students sang together, danced together celebrating the memory of Reb Shlomo Carlebach. We danced, sang, reflected, all to the same notes of the guitar, the same intention. I just liked how we were all able to connect, rejoice, remember and be together.

I have also been thinking a lot about Israel lately. What a complicated State I am living in. Each day brings with it a new adventure, new challenges, to being myself, to my identity as a Jew, to who I am, to what I am doing. And I still love it.

I’m all over the place tonight, that’s what happens when I have time to think, time to share my thoughts, time to try and figure out who I am, what I’m doing and where I am going. Today was a great day, I got some work done, had a yummy steak dinner with a new friend, met with my teacher… yet I feel unfulfilled, I feel alone, I feel disappointed and I don’t know why. I guess after weeks of constant hustle and bustle, this is o.k… but it is an icky feeling. I’m trying to embrace it, trying to let it go, enjoy the moment, but something is holding me back, holding me in this place, this refletion, this growing pain. I hope that it passes quickly, that the growth continues with smiles, and hugs…

Maybe, I just need a hug! A smile can make my day, but a hug can leave me speechless… HUG ME!