Wow, three in a row, must be our lucky days!! I was walking home from Seudah Shlishit (the third meal) and singing in my and maybe just a little bit aloud, some of my favorite Seduah Shlishit songs! And I realized how much I miss home. Well, not home as in the physical space my family lives in (Which I do miss), but really, I miss my synagogue, my cantor, my chevre. I grew up in my Shul, with the rabbis, the same people. These people have watched me grow from week to week, month to month, year to year. They have been almost like another family to me. I feel at home in my Shul, i know the faces I will see, I know who will sit where. It is comfortable, it is special, it is my place. And, I have yet to find a place to go in LA or here in Israel that offers me the Seudah Shlishit i am looking for.
I know, it must be obvious. I cannot find what I am looking for because it only exists in one special place, my Shul. But, I keep looking, every week. I hope that I will find a place that feels like home, that feels like where I belong. And every week, I am let down. I find myself looking back to the days when I am home, when I know who will sit next to me, who will want more potato chips, who will drink the scotch, who will want vodka. I miss knowin the order of the songs, being called on to sing Yom Ze Mechubad, my sister leading Shir HaMalot. I miss trying to introduce new tunes, and mixing in with the old melodies. I miss the mumble of the aramaic for Atkinu Tzudato. I miss my friends, my synagogue family. I can’t describe it. I guess I’m a creature of habit, and I just don’t feel right when I end Shabbat without singing the “proper” songs, without my l’chaim, without my family.
This feeling is quite strong, especially when I am in shul. I miss my chazzan, he’s known me for my entire life, he knows me, he’s known me throughout my journey, and he is a part of the journey. For, without his guidance, I would never have learned or fell in love with the liturgy, the nusach, the trope. With his help and the help of m Bat Mitzvah tutor (z’l) i began to fall in love with what will now become my career. I miss my Rabbis, their guidance, and support. They have helped to nurture me over the years, and in many ways, I model my rabbinate after their examples. I of course am my own person, but I owe my synagogue so much of who I am.
Lest you think I am forgetting my mom and dad, or the rest of my family, fear not. I miss them too. I miss sitting next to my dad, my mom, my sister, my papa. I miss sitting with my Zayde, or in between my nana and papa when I was growing up. For, they too are a part of the experience. Had my parents not brought me to shul eveyr week, or shared their love of Judaism with me, who knows where I would have ended up. But, lucky for me, these important people shared with me their love, their dedication and commitment, and have helped to make me who I am today.
Alright, enough praises for one day, and enough memories. I miss home, I miss my Shul… while I am very fulfilled here, I miss the little things, I miss my shul family, my supporters, who I know are supporting me even on my journey across the world!
SHAVUA TOV TO ALL, May this week be a blessing upon each of you!
P.S. I remembered what I forgot to blog about yesterday, CHAI! Thanks to my friend Steve, I have a new addiction, Chai at the Coffee Shop… say goodbye to my money now!!
Rabbi Eve Posen 