OUCH

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**DISCLAIMER: Family, you will read this and be worried, don’t be, this is normal, these are my feelings and this is my outlet… if you don’t like it, you don’t have to read it**

Have you ever hurt so bad, you can’t breathe, can’t think, can’t do anything but cry, and cry and cry? that’s pretty much where I am. It hurts, my heart is broken, my body is empty. I have been strong for so long, and i can’t anymore. I am weak, I am flawed, I am scared, I am alone. Because, when it comes down to it, there is no one I want to talk to, no one i feel I can open up to, no one who gets me. I don’t want any of that, I want my daddy. I want my life back. I want to smile and laugh and not mark it as the first time in 6 weeks i’ve done it. I want to go to shul and smile and enjoy the davening, not break down in tears. I want to get in my car and sing and enjoy the open road, not cry and scream because it is the only place I can do it.
Instead, I feel trapped, I feel stuck in myself, stuck in a place where I am waiting for the world to move on, and I feel like I am still in the same place. I want to be able to do my work, soar, but instead, I am stuck, unable to move forward, unable to conquer the hurt.
So, I will sit here, feel the pain, the hurt, the burn, and hope that one day I can move forward to a new place, to a place where it hurts a little bit less.

Normal?!

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7 Sundays ago, my normal changed. I’m o.k…. but I’m wishing I was normal.
What I wouldn’t give to be normal. But i don’t even know what normal is anymore. I guess I was never normal, but now, I’m a part of this weird club, this group of people who’s normal isn’t what i want to be my normal. Now, i am without a parent, without my daddy, without a father. Now, my normal isn’t the same. Normal used to be waiting by the phone for that call, waiting to here from my mom about my dad, about my grandfather (papa). Normal used to be worrying, saying Misheberach. Normal used to be calling my daddy and discussing the texts I was learning, calling my Papa to hear the pride in his voice and the smile on his face (yes, you could here him smile when he spoke). Normal used to be wishing for the pain to stop, but appreciating the time I had.
And then, within a month, normal isn’t normal. I don’t have to have my cellphone with me 24/7. It’s freeing and terrifying. Normal used to be going home as much as I could because i didn’t know how much time I had left with them, and now, I know.
Now, Normal hurts, normal is being sad, is having flashbacks of those final moments in the hospital, of the days i sat staring at my phone, hoping for good news, and knowing it wouldn’t be. Now, normal is feeling alone, angry, sad, scared. Now, normal is wishing for the moment where i wake up from this terrible, horrible, no good, very bad dream.
Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. Now, normal is gone, and I know what i had. It wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t happy all the time or even fair, but it was normal. All I want is to be NORMAL!

Don’t Speak

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I feel like i am living in a world where I am not allowed to speak, where if I make a wrong move, don’t step too carefully, say the “wrong” thing, I will be despised, kicked out, alienated. Don’t speak, you can’t feel that way. who gets to decide how I feel? since when are feelings wrong? Don’t we each feel in our own ways because we are our own people, with our own minds, bodies, thoughts, sensations?
I am alone in my world, I am without my supporter, my teammate, my friend. I am trapped in a cycle of blame, of sorrow, of hate. I am trapped, nothing I do is right, nothing I do is fair, nothing I do matters. I am alone. Those who I thought cared for me, those who I thought would support me through crisis have turned on me. I spoke my mind, I acted out my feelings, I felt the world, I felt the changes, i feel the pain, I express myself, and it is all wrong.
Why do we have the need to critique other’s feelings? what gives someone the write to tell someone that they are wrong? that they’re words, unrelated to them cause pain? and for what? Wouldn’t we all be better off if we allowed individuals to feel the way they feel, to grieve the way they grieve, and work on ourselves. Wouldn’t we be better off without a holding a grudge? wouldn’t we be better off if we loved one another for our uniqueness, for our distinct experiences of the same things? Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we supported one another, if we tried to help, tried to understand another’s point of view?
Here I am, on the brink of a day when I am supposed to forgive, to ask for forgiveness, but, my heart is too heavy, my words blocked. I can’t act, I can’t move, i can’t connect. each time I try, I am wrong, I am the one at fault, my way isn’t right, my intimate feelings aren’t appropriate. How can I ask for forgiveness from someone who holds so much against me? How can I begin to ask to be forgiven if someone doesn’t see me for who I am, but only what I do, how i react in grief? And so I stand here, frustrated, empty, sad, lost. I stand here without love and support from those closest to me because i am wrong, I feel wrong, I act wrong.
This year has to get better, because it can’t possibly get any worse… ALONE!

30 days

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It’s been 30 days since i have seen you, thirty days since you were here with me. 30 days ago you were in my life, you were my life, you were here. 30 days i have cried, missing you, more each day. 30 days have gone by but everything feels so different, so broken, so chaotic. I still hear your voice in my head, smell your scent of cologne and cigarettes, see your face when i close my eyes. I miss you more than i have ever missed before. I am broken, lost in the world, lost without you. So many times I pick up the phone to call you, only to be greeted by your voicemail, and the realization that you’re not going to return my call. 30 days ago you were warm, breathing, in my arms, 30 days ago I held you, hugged you, kissed you.
So, what do I do? how do I go on? Life feels so different for me, but everyone around me is going on like nothing happened. For them, the world is the same, for me, the world is different, lonely, scary, the world is broken, my heart is broken.
30 days, and it doesn’t feel real, I feel like I am living in a dream, a nightmare, this can’t be reality. Only, I know that it is. 30 days gone by without you, daddy…

THE TEST

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Here is a copy of the D’var Torah i gave for Second Day Rosh HaShannah at my home shul! The actual presentation may have varied from the written text! ENJOY!

Indulge me if you will. Close your eyes. Picture yourself about to face the biggest challenge or test of your life. Are you scared? Nervous? Excited? Are you going to ROCK IT? Are you willing to do ANYTHING to pass? Hold those feelings.

Open your eyes. Here we are, standing on the starting line of a whole new test, a new year, a new challenge. Here we stand as the book of life is open wide, blank spaces waiting to be filled with our deeds. ARE YOU READY? Are you HERE?

Our torah reading for today, known as Akeidat Yitzhak, the binding of Isaac, details Abraham’s big test, his GRE, ACT, SAT, MCAT, take your pick. The portion begins with God putting Abraham to the test. He is told to take his son, his only son, his favored son, Isaac to a mountain and offer him up as a sacrifice. WHOA. This is quite the test. A voice comes from seemingly nowhere and informs Abraham that he is to sacrifice his own son, the one whom he has waited so long for, the one who was given to him as a gift (as we read yesterday).

I don’t know about you, but if this was me, I am not so sure I would be so eager to complete this test. But, Abraham, being the man of faith that he is answers God with a strong “HINEINI, Here I am.” Abraham is up to the task. He sets out with Isaac on the journey to Mount Moriah, and as they approach Isaac and Abraham take leave of their servants and begin father son bonding time as they hike up the mountain.

Now Isaac, being the inquisitive pre-teen that he was, starts to ask some obvious questions. Where is the animal for slaughter? Abraham answers in his own, faithful way, “God will see to the sheep for his burnt offering.” And Isaac accepts this as they continue on their way.

Abraham then prepares Isaac for the sacrifice, and just as he is about to commit the final act, taking the final test, an Angel, or messenger of God stops his hand. God calls out to Abraham and again he answers with “HINENI, HERE I AM!” What a close call. Abraham was about to make the ultimate sacrifice in his life for his faith, his belief in God. Abraham “Passes” God’s test and as a reward, is promised that He will be the father of a great nation, as numerous as the stars of heaven and the sands on the seashore.

The portion concludes with a genealogy of Abraham’s family. At first glance, the parshah appeared disjointed to me, first we read about this incredibly intense test of faith, and then, out of the blue we are thrown a genealogy. While I am still not exactly sure how this flows, I think the text hints at the importance of family. While Abraham was willing to sacrifice his own son, and while their father-son bond might never be the same, they are still family, they still have connections to one another.

So, why did the rabbis decide to read this portion on the second day of our new year?

Perhaps they chose this text to remind us of the challenges in our daily lives, to remind us that while life might be challenging, whereas we might be asked to do tasks we don’t want, don’t feel up to doing, there might be some greater purpose to these actions. maybe this is to remind us of our roots, our genealogy, our support system?

Perhaps this is our wake up call, our time to announce “HINEINI, HERE I AM” I am ready for the task, ready to face the year, ready to commit. These texts in our parshah today are challenging, they challenge the human nature, they challenge the boundaries of comfort, what are we willing to sacrifice?

This year, may we find the strength within ourselves to call out HINEINI, HERE I AM in the face of a challenge. May we find the strength to support those around us who are facing a challenge and may we be blessed with the gift of success as we fill the blank pages of the book of life.

G’mar Chatimah Tovah, may we all be sealed in the book of life!

Shanah Tova!