Don’t Speak

I feel like i am living in a world where I am not allowed to speak, where if I make a wrong move, don’t step too carefully, say the “wrong” thing, I will be despised, kicked out, alienated. Don’t speak, you can’t feel that way. who gets to decide how I feel? since when are feelings wrong? Don’t we each feel in our own ways because we are our own people, with our own minds, bodies, thoughts, sensations?
I am alone in my world, I am without my supporter, my teammate, my friend. I am trapped in a cycle of blame, of sorrow, of hate. I am trapped, nothing I do is right, nothing I do is fair, nothing I do matters. I am alone. Those who I thought cared for me, those who I thought would support me through crisis have turned on me. I spoke my mind, I acted out my feelings, I felt the world, I felt the changes, i feel the pain, I express myself, and it is all wrong.
Why do we have the need to critique other’s feelings? what gives someone the write to tell someone that they are wrong? that they’re words, unrelated to them cause pain? and for what? Wouldn’t we all be better off if we allowed individuals to feel the way they feel, to grieve the way they grieve, and work on ourselves. Wouldn’t we be better off without a holding a grudge? wouldn’t we be better off if we loved one another for our uniqueness, for our distinct experiences of the same things? Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we supported one another, if we tried to help, tried to understand another’s point of view?
Here I am, on the brink of a day when I am supposed to forgive, to ask for forgiveness, but, my heart is too heavy, my words blocked. I can’t act, I can’t move, i can’t connect. each time I try, I am wrong, I am the one at fault, my way isn’t right, my intimate feelings aren’t appropriate. How can I ask for forgiveness from someone who holds so much against me? How can I begin to ask to be forgiven if someone doesn’t see me for who I am, but only what I do, how i react in grief? And so I stand here, frustrated, empty, sad, lost. I stand here without love and support from those closest to me because i am wrong, I feel wrong, I act wrong.
This year has to get better, because it can’t possibly get any worse… ALONE!
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