Have you ever hurt so bad, you can’t breathe, can’t think, can’t do anything but cry, and cry and cry? that’s pretty much where I am. It hurts, my heart is broken, my body is empty. I have been strong for so long, and i can’t anymore. I am weak, I am flawed, I am scared, I am alone. Because, when it comes down to it, there is no one I want to talk to, no one i feel I can open up to, no one who gets me. I don’t want any of that, I want my daddy. I want my life back. I want to smile and laugh and not mark it as the first time in 6 weeks i’ve done it. I want to go to shul and smile and enjoy the davening, not break down in tears. I want to get in my car and sing and enjoy the open road, not cry and scream because it is the only place I can do it.
Instead, I feel trapped, I feel stuck in myself, stuck in a place where I am waiting for the world to move on, and I feel like I am still in the same place. I want to be able to do my work, soar, but instead, I am stuck, unable to move forward, unable to conquer the hurt.
So, I will sit here, feel the pain, the hurt, the burn, and hope that one day I can move forward to a new place, to a place where it hurts a little bit less.
OUCH
**DISCLAIMER: Family, you will read this and be worried, don’t be, this is normal, these are my feelings and this is my outlet… if you don’t like it, you don’t have to read it**
Rabbi Eve Posen 