We Are The Dreamers – Parshat Vayeitzei 5776

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We Are The Dreamers

Some mornings I wake up confused as to whether the dream I just had was actually a dream or part of real life. There’s nothing more terrifying than waking up thinking you’ve flunked your high school final or you’ve missed a big deadline at work. On the other end of the spectrum, sometimes I wake up and wish that my dreams were true, that my father really did come back to see me or that magically my student loan debt was paid off. Our dreams let us peer into our deepest desires and fears.  

In the Torah too we learn there are dreamers who walk the tightrope between fantasy and reality. Jacob, Joseph, and Pharaoh all have vivid dreams that ultimately change the course of their lives. With each of these men, their dreams have an additional God-related element that moves them to make a change in their world.  

This week we read from parshat Vayeitzei, one of the turning points and most famous parts of our text. The text picks up with Jacob on his journey away from his parents’ house to meet his cousin, Lavan, and the strange dreams and encounters he has with godly creatures along the way. He ends up falling in love with Rachel, works for her hand in marriage, but is tricked into marrying Rachel’s older sister Leah. Fast forward after a few more years of work, and the prize of having Rachel as his wife is realized. The text continues with the expansion of Jacob’s large family and his journey away from his father-in-law Lavan to a new home.  

In this week’s parshah, Jacob is the dreamer. His dream brings God down to him on earth, and in his dream angels dance around him, surrounding him with warmth and love. Alone in the wilderness because he’s had to run away from his family after deceiving his father and brother, Jacob is in an unfamiliar and probably terrifying place. God comes to him in a dream and promises to always be there with him, that he is not alone. What a relief it must have been for Jacob to feel that divine presence, and at the same time, surely he must have questioned whether or not it was real.

Jacob wakes up makes a deal with God to confirm that his dream was more than just a dream. In chapter 28, verses 20-21 he says: “If God remains with me, if He protects me on this journey that I am making, and gives me bread to eat and clothing to wear, and if I return safe to my father’s house – the Lord shall be my God.” Jacob isn’t sure whether to trust his dreams or not, and his prayer is essentially “I’ll believe it when I see it.” He makes a promise to God, trying to will God’s guidance and presence to be true.  

This reassuring episode undoubtedly helps Jacob feel more closely connected to God, but did it change the course of his life? Ultimately, as his dream and bargaining tell us, the course of Jacob’s life is determined by his actions. Turning dreams into reality isn’t merely an act of God; it’s the combination of faith in God, faith in ourselves, and the active pursuit of the goals we wish to achieve.

I Sound Like My Mother – Parshat Toldot 5776

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Like My Mother

“Apparently I’m becoming my mother.”  I said these words out loud a few weeks ago.  The more I get into this mom thing, the more I hear myself echoing the words – and taking the actions – of my parents.  From giving Shiri baths with colored water, to the silly songs we sing in the morning and while getting ready for bedtime, it’s like my childhood all over again.

However, this goes beyond just parenting; the journey I’m taking in life so clearly imitates theirs as well.  Every day I struggle with the work/home life balance that my parents worked so hard to find.  Though it’s years away, we’re already starting to weigh the pros and cons of a day school education versus public school, and we’ve started saving for Shiri’s college education. Even Sunday picnic dinners are becoming a tradition in my house again.  It seems the older I get, the more like my parents I become.  Of course this feeling is common – it comes from the fact that we have a shared story, a shared legacy.  This is the script by which I’ve learned how to live life.  

In a certain sense, the Torah has contributed to this script as well.  This week we read from parshat Toldot, which literally means “generations.”  We read the story of Isaac and Rebekah, their struggle with infertility, and the subsequent birth of their twins.  The text continues with the sibling rivalry which began in utero and continues throughout the boys’ lives.  Ultimately, Jacob and Esau are no longer able to even live in the same house as the trickery, fighting, and intolerance for one another escalates.  Jacob is sent away for his own safety by his mother, and this section of the narrative comes to an end.  

But before all of the infighting begins, we are shown Isaac’s narrative.  He is described as “son of Abraham,” and chapter 26 tells us he relives many of the events of his father’s life.  Like Abraham, Isaac travels south in a time of famine and tries passing off his wife Rebekah as his sister out of concern for their safety.  Isaac follows his father’s journey to the point that he is re-digging wells that his father had dug and calls them by the same name.  

The story of Isaac, reliving and rediscovering the path of his parent, is similar to so many of our stories.  As we mature, we not only find ourselves resembling our parents in appearance, but often in temperament too.  The text of parshat Toldot, the text of the story of generations, is the understanding of our history, including who we are, where we are, and how we got to be here.  

We read this week’s Torah portion with the knowledge that while it might be disconcerting or downright scary to wake up one day and realize that you’ve turned into your parent, the qualities you choose to emulate are still within your control.  The example that has been set for us cannot be changed, but how we live our lives and raise our children is part of a path forged by our own footsteps in the world.

At First Sight – Parshat Chayei Sarah 5776

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At First Sight

You hear that parenting changes your life completely, but obviously it’s a different feeling for every parent.  Over two years ago as Duncan and I prepared to welcome Shiri into our lives, we knew we were about to experience something intensely emotional, like nothing we’d ever experienced before.  At the same time we weren’t sure how that would manifest itself, and what it would actually feel like to become parents.  There was a certain expectation of an instant bond, an immediate love-beyond-anything connection. For me, having carried Shiri, that feeling was represented by awe, amazement, and gratefulness to God for this beautiful miracle that my body produced.  On the other hand, Duncan likes to take everything in and process it on his time, which for him has meant a love that has grown exponentially ever since that first day.  The more he got to know her, the more he loved her.

The notion that the more you know someone the uglier or prettier they can become is a very real phenomenon. Scientific research based on concepts like “propinquity,” which refers to the nearness of people to each other, suggests a person can become more or less attractive to you based on how much and how long you interact with them.

Our Torah portion this week, parshat Chayei Sarah, illustrates this.  In this part of the narrative, we read about Abraham and Sarah and their journey raising their son Isaac to the huppah and a life of good deeds.  Our reading begins with the death of Sarah, and Abraham looking for a proper place to lay her body to rest.  Immediately after the burial of his own life partner, Abraham sets out to find a mate for his son, hoping to ensure that he has comfort and support as he mourns his mother.  The text shares the story of Isaac and Rebekah meeting, marrying, and falling in love, and it ends with the death of Abraham. Within this section of text is also the building of a family for Rebekah and Isaac.  

The text is clear in chapter 24, verse 67: “Isaac then brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah, and he took Rebekah as his wife.  Isaac loved her, and thus found comfort after his mother’s death.”  In other words, Isaac comes to love Rebekah after he marries her.  Their love is the result, not the prerequisite, of their relationship.  

The Torah reminds us that relationships take time to blossom, and we are urged to take time to know one another, to truly engage face to face with those around us because that’s how meaningful connections grow.

The instantaneous attachment when parent meets child may be real, but it’s shallow and fleeting. Of course I love Shiri because she’s my daughter, but also because I’ve grown to love her as the bright, independent, beautiful spirit she’s becoming. And that’s a love that only gets bigger.