Author: Eve Posen

Comfort

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Craziness, i know, too many posts in too short a time, but alas, my brain is on overdrive, so, I have a lot to write about!
It never occured to me how much I rely on certain things for comfort. When I feel sad, or lonely, or tired, there are certain things I have become accustomed to doing to cheer myself up. When I am cold, or really lonely, I bundle up in my University of Michigan sweatshirt and pants, and then I feel better. When I miss home, I always can rely on my emails from family I have posted on my walls, and my pictures to make me smile. When I need a good cry, I have my trusty stuffed animals I hug and my perfect crying mix that I put on my ipod (now that it works!).

I didn’t realize, however, that I spend a lot of time thinking about people to call to cheer me up. Most of the time, it works, I have my set people! My mom for support, my aunts to make me smile, make me happy, my cousin to make me laugh, and then my friends. I have those set friends who I can always count on, or I thought I could. Sometimes, I guess I don’t realize how distant I ahve become from people until I finally talk to them, and it’s all different. That happened today. I called one of my trusty friends, one of my best friends, or so I thought. And then, mid conversation, after 2 months of not talking, it hit me. I’m the only one making an effort here, I’m the only one who cares if we talk. As much as this person tried to tell me I was wrong, I knew I was right. And it was all sealed when said person hung up on me because they had another call coming in after only 5 minutes of conversation after a 2 month void. I was the one paying, this person wasn’t doing anything that couldn’t be put off. It was just out of selfishness, that after 6 years of sharing our lives together, this person couldn’t give me the 5 minutes i needed as a friend. Maybe I was expecting too much! But, it hurts! It hurts to know that I have to re-evaluate that friendship that means to much to me. I miss my friends!

I guess my heart is too open, and I depend too much on other people. Most of my friends would be there for me, that I know. But I guess I need to re-evaluate my list of calls. I need to reconfigure who I can count on, because clearly that has changed. My heart is fragile, breakable, open and full of love. I think all of our hearts are like this. Too bad more people don’t recognize this!

SHAVUA TOV, MAY YOU HAVE A GOOD WEEK…

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MAY YOU FIND THE HAPPINESS THAT YOU SEEK…..
Wow, three in a row, must be our lucky days!! I was walking home from Seudah Shlishit (the third meal) and singing in my and maybe just a little bit aloud, some of my favorite Seduah Shlishit songs! And I realized how much I miss home. Well, not home as in the physical space my family lives in (Which I do miss), but really, I miss my synagogue, my cantor, my chevre. I grew up in my Shul, with the rabbis, the same people. These people have watched me grow from week to week, month to month, year to year. They have been almost like another family to me. I feel at home in my Shul, i know the faces I will see, I know who will sit where. It is comfortable, it is special, it is my place. And, I have yet to find a place to go in LA or here in Israel that offers me the Seudah Shlishit i am looking for.

I know, it must be obvious. I cannot find what I am looking for because it only exists in one special place, my Shul. But, I keep looking, every week. I hope that I will find a place that feels like home, that feels like where I belong. And every week, I am let down. I find myself looking back to the days when I am home, when I know who will sit next to me, who will want more potato chips, who will drink the scotch, who will want vodka. I miss knowin the order of the songs, being called on to sing Yom Ze Mechubad, my sister leading Shir HaMalot. I miss trying to introduce new tunes, and mixing in with the old melodies. I miss the mumble of the aramaic for Atkinu Tzudato. I miss my friends, my synagogue family. I can’t describe it. I guess I’m a creature of habit, and I just don’t feel right when I end Shabbat without singing the “proper” songs, without my l’chaim, without my family.

This feeling is quite strong, especially when I am in shul. I miss my chazzan, he’s known me for my entire life, he knows me, he’s known me throughout my journey, and he is a part of the journey. For, without his guidance, I would never have learned or fell in love with the liturgy, the nusach, the trope. With his help and the help of m Bat Mitzvah tutor (z’l) i began to fall in love with what will now become my career. I miss my Rabbis, their guidance, and support. They have helped to nurture me over the years, and in many ways, I model my rabbinate after their examples. I of course am my own person, but I owe my synagogue so much of who I am.

Lest you think I am forgetting my mom and dad, or the rest of my family, fear not. I miss them too. I miss sitting next to my dad, my mom, my sister, my papa. I miss sitting with my Zayde, or in between my nana and papa when I was growing up. For, they too are a part of the experience. Had my parents not brought me to shul eveyr week, or shared their love of Judaism with me, who knows where I would have ended up. But, lucky for me, these important people shared with me their love, their dedication and commitment, and have helped to make me who I am today.

Alright, enough praises for one day, and enough memories. I miss home, I miss my Shul… while I am very fulfilled here, I miss the little things, I miss my shul family, my supporters, who I know are supporting me even on my journey across the world!
SHAVUA TOV TO ALL, May this week be a blessing upon each of you!

P.S. I remembered what I forgot to blog about yesterday, CHAI! Thanks to my friend Steve, I have a new addiction, Chai at the Coffee Shop… say goodbye to my money now!!

Quick Pre-Shabbat Update- 2 this week!

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A few quick things on my mind before Shabbat… my first shabbat of pure rest in 10 weeks!
1. OUTDOOR/INDOOR EATERIES: one of the best parts about Israel is that most places have a place to eat outdoors and indoors. One might think that the outdoor part must be closed for the winter, but think again my fine friends. Most of my favorite places to eat, (the waffle bar and my corner bar) have most of their seating outdoors, so I wondered what they would do in the winter. Turns out, they put of walls, and a roof, and Voila, they have an indoor eatery… AMAZING!
2. SHABBAT OF REST: I am spending this Shabbat just with myself and reflecting on the past few weeks. I am really looking forward to the reflection time, and the scrumcious lunch I have planned for tomorrow! Everyone needs some rest sometimes!
3. Oh no, I can’t remember: There was something else i wanted to comment on, but now it has escaped my mind. I am sure once i light my candles, I will remember! Such is mylife! On the plus side, I did have a hot shower today! YAY!! Here’s to hopeing the heat is on for more than just 3 hours for Shabbat!!
Shabbat Shalom, may it be a blessing upon you!!

Looking at you through the glass…

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All i know is that it feels like forever, No one ever told you that forever feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head! ~Stone Sour

This week has been one of self-reflection and refletion on Israeli society. I have so many mixed reactions, emotions, throughts going through my head. So much to think about, so much I am trying to figure out. I am having one of those weeks where I feel the growing pains of growing up, and it’s a bit hard. I am growing, I have been growing and I will continue to grow, but this week, it hurt. I am not sure why, but it did. I did a lot of thinking, about where I am in my life, where I want to be, who I am and who I want to be. And I am no closer to having the answers than I was last week, but the thoughts are in my head, floating around, tapping me on the shoulder and then running away. I cannot capture what is poking me, but whatever it is has definitely made me think, a lot. It is one of those weeks where I want to cry and have someone hold me, but at the same time, ther eare no tears running down my cheeks. The tears are invisible, hidden, or maybe they are stuck, behind my eyes, behind the strength I am projecting to others. When they come, I will know.

This past week I did some reflecting on Music. The beats, the sounds, the movements, they are universal. Music can move people, can make someone smile, or it can make someone cry. It can make my heart skip a beat, from excitement or frustration. Sometimes, there is just that one perfect song that completley fits your mood, expresses what you cannot put into words. Sometimes music is a comfort, it makes me feel at home, and sometimes it makes me miss home. But, nevertheless, music is universal. This week Israeli and American students sang together, danced together celebrating the memory of Reb Shlomo Carlebach. We danced, sang, reflected, all to the same notes of the guitar, the same intention. I just liked how we were all able to connect, rejoice, remember and be together.

I have also been thinking a lot about Israel lately. What a complicated State I am living in. Each day brings with it a new adventure, new challenges, to being myself, to my identity as a Jew, to who I am, to what I am doing. And I still love it.

I’m all over the place tonight, that’s what happens when I have time to think, time to share my thoughts, time to try and figure out who I am, what I’m doing and where I am going. Today was a great day, I got some work done, had a yummy steak dinner with a new friend, met with my teacher… yet I feel unfulfilled, I feel alone, I feel disappointed and I don’t know why. I guess after weeks of constant hustle and bustle, this is o.k… but it is an icky feeling. I’m trying to embrace it, trying to let it go, enjoy the moment, but something is holding me back, holding me in this place, this refletion, this growing pain. I hope that it passes quickly, that the growth continues with smiles, and hugs…

Maybe, I just need a hug! A smile can make my day, but a hug can leave me speechless… HUG ME!

Oh what a week…

Eve Posen1 Comment
Wow, school is in full gear, homework is plentiful, extracurriculars are fun! I write this as I enter crunch time before Shabbat. I have an hour an a half before I need to light my candles and leave so that I will make it to shul in time for services and a fantastic dinner with friends. Let me just say one more time for the record how lucky I am to have made the friends I have made here in Israel, and in general. Whenever I am sad, they make me laugh, when I am stressed out, they make me chill out, and when I’m hungry, they make me find time to eat. I love my friends. They make me smile in the morning when I wake up to their messages, smile when I look at pictures of us, and feel loved when I feel lonely. I could go on!!

School is going well, I am finally finding ways to take notes in English with a Hebrew lecture, and eventually I think I will switch to Hebrew. I am slowly figuring out how to manage my time with my 10 classes and other learning obligations. My days are packed, and intellectualyl stimulating! I am learning so much already and it is only the second week. I have found classes I like, that are small, have wonderful teachers, and a good subject matter. I am on the student leadership committee in charge of planning our trips, ice breakers and other events as well as representing my classmates from Ziegler in various meetings. I am also working on other ways to connect to the land and the Masorti movement. I am happy, I am safe, and I am alive!! Below are some random things that I have been doing/had on my mind:
1. Swiffer wet Jet: I am wondering why Swiffer hasn’t made their way to Israel yet. You see, carpeting is not really common in Israel, so the floors are in need of constant mopping or, the common squeegy in Israel. You pour water on the flour, then with a squeegy and a cloth, mop the floors. This is quite a hastle, and not so much fun. Swiffer would be so much easier… One of these days!
2. Last shabbat was Parshat Noach, the flood among other things. So, as we’re reading about the rain, the waters, the skies actually opened up and we had very heavy and cold rains for a few days. How amazing, that the weather actualyl matches the seasons in the Torah. It is quite incredible to be praying for rain, literally, just beginning to say the prayer for the rainy season, and as if on command, Rains pour forth from the heavens. It was an incredible experience ot have, rain in Jerusalem, feeling the intense connection between the seasons, the prayer cycle and the torah cycle. The only time this was not fun was last Sunday when it conveniently began to pour when we needed to walk to school in the morning. My lucky rainboots kept my feet warm and try, but the rest of me, and my books was soaked. It was quite uncomfortable to be sitting in services, dripping wet, we all were a bit uncomfortable. lucky for me, my roommate had not yet left the house when I did, so I was able to call her half way up my mountaineous walk to school and ask her to bring me dry pants… SCORE!
3. Duchening. Duchening is when the Cohanim, the priests bless the congregation with the priestly benediction, Numbers 6:24-26. Outside of Israel, if this is done, it is mostly done on the three pilgrimage festivals. In Jerusalem, it is done every day if there is a Cohen in the house. Lucky for me, there is almost always a cohen around to give the blessing. I have to admit, I am a little bit uncomfortable with the ritual. I enjoy receiving the blessing, however, the rituals that surround it come from temple time,s and it is a bit out of place in the rest of our service. I guess I’ll either become more comfortable with it as the year goes on, or just learn to let it go. This past week, I lead Shacharit at school on my Grammy’s yahrtzeit, and the Cohen was in the house, so I had to do the priestly blessing. As I called out the words, and he repeated them to us as the congregation, i felt a moment of peace, of tranquility. I guess it’s not so bad. And sometiems, I close my eyes and image my parent’s hands on my head on friday nights at home, blessing me, and returning the blessing to them. Or, I hear my CPE colleagues from this summer, and feel the love, warmth and support that they have given me, and I miss them.
4. Laughing: I have noticed that my Ziegler classmates and I seem to do a lot of laughing in school and out of school. We make jokes, we find things to laugh about, and make sure to have at least one good strong laugh a day I think this is part of what keeps us so happy, so alive, so sane as we make our way through the week. Laughing is good, make me laugh!
5. Boogie: Last night i went to Boogie, a sort of club that meets every other thursday in the gym of a youth center on Emek Refaim. For 45 NIS, there is unlimited dancing until all hours of the night, with music from around the world, and people from around the world. It was so great to get my boogie on, have fun, meet new people, get to know my new JTS classmates, and enjoy the variety and beauty of the world. I highly recommend it to anyone in Jerusalem when it happens. It’s a great way to burn energy, burn calories and have an incredible time!
6. Integration: recently, i realized how so many pieces of my life have become entertwined recently. The puzzle pieces don’t just lock in next to one another, but they also lock in with each and every one. They are very versitile. People from many different stages of my life have recently re-entered, and each time, it helps me realize how much i have grown, how much I have done, and how wonderful life is. My journey to rabbinical school was a winding one, fileld with many twists and turns, and until the other day when I was learning with TaShma (i’ll tell you that in a minute), i hadn’t thought about how it might have changed since i’ve been in Rab school, but alas, i think it has. The core element of my family is the same, and the basic steps are there, but I think i just reflect on it all differently now.
7. TaShma: I am involved in an interdenominational Jewish learning community through TaShma and project STAR (Synagogue transformation and renewal). We just began the program, but the 20 or so of us from all denominations of Judaism have come together, told our stories and learned. I think this will be an incredible opportunity for me, and I am very much looking forward to the 10 remaining sessions throughout the year!

And that wraps it up. May this Shabbat be good to you, and you good to it. May you find your place in this crazy world we live in, and find yourself. May we all be blessed with God’s embrace, and may God spread over us, his/her shelter of peace!