O.k., So i’m not really losing my religion, not really at all. But, I am losing something precious, something special to me. Not losing forever, not even really losing, more like having to share something special to me. Yesterday, my rabbi was announced that he is leaving our shul after 13 years to become Dean of a rabbinical school. And I know how to share, but this is different for me. I have developed a special connection with my rabbi, and recently that connection has grown, he has watched me grow as I have watched him grow. I wish him the best, and know that he will be shaping the lives of so many more Rabbis which means a great future for the Jewish people, but I will miss his face when I return home, miss his warmth and support every Shabbat. I know this is only the begining of our relationship as it grows…
Author: Eve Posen
Where Have All the People Gone…
This morning, I woke up quite early for a wonderful Tiyul with Ta Shma, my Pluralistic learning group. We went to the foot hills between Jerusalem and Tel Aviv, the Shefella. And we hiked, and hiked and hiked some more. And as i was walking, wandering, thinking, taking in the beauty around me, my head returned to a common thought. Where have all the people gone. There we were, hiking, learning, living history, and i have to wonder what it the land must have been like before, when it was lively, when people actually lived there. The ancient ruins, the places where David slew Goliath, the place of so much hitory, so much heritage. We saw and climbed in the caves of the Bar Kochba revolt, saw burial caves, saw the ancient life that was. This is learning, this is history. I climbed, used my physical energy to connect with my spirituality. This wa the learning I have been missing. Here is history, here i what i read about, here is the society that somuch is baed on. Here is where so many wonderous events happened, and there i stood. And strewn about these incredible places, these cities is modern trash. I guess you can’t have everything.
It was so perfect to leave Jerusalem on such a gorgeous day. the sun wa shining, the sky was clear, and the most pristine blue, not a cloud to be seen. My mind needed a rest, my body needed the exercies. I didn’t realize how cramped and down I was until i left the city. I was free. Jerusalem is a wonderful place, so holy, so full, so incredible, and so wonderful to leave for a little bit. I hiked, cleared my mind, thought, centered and enjoyed the company of my friends, my new friends, and my thoughts. This is what Israel is all about. In one day I wa able to experience the beauty of nature, living history, and the holy city that I love so much. Modernity meets antiquity, and everything in between. How wonderful is this adventure I am taking, how brilliant are these experiences. How blessed am I.
And I was sitting on the bus on the way home, thinking about my friends, my family, shabbat and all I need to do to be ready in time. I sat there looking out my window, taking in the flowers beginning to bloom, taking in the sights. For a moment, i could have been in America, in any one of the states i drove across this summer, and I felt at home. As we approached Jerusalem, i felt a bit of excitment. As much as I feel stuck, stressed and frustrated while I am in Jerusalem, it is so wonderful to come back. And as we approached the city, i saw the welcome sign and realized just how happy I am. How wonderful that they post the times Shabbat begins and ends at the enterance to Jerusalem. It just struck me as nice, home. And I feel at home. As frustrated as I am with certain aspects of my year here, I am happy. What an adventure! Time to finish up some things before Shabbat! Shabbat Shalom to all!!
The Hardest to Learn is the Least Complicated?!?!
I was walking home today, thinking about my life lately, thinking about the world, thinking about my learning. ANd i started to think about all the hardship, all the struggles, and what I’m supposed to be learning from it all. My life this past month has been a challenge. I have been through more emotions than I can count, more tests, more challenges, but I am o.k.!
The title of this entry came to my head, partly because the song was on my ipod, but partly because I’m wondering how true it is. The hardest to learn is sometimes the least complicated, but sometimes the most. I’m learning lately, that life is more complicated than i would like, and less complicated than I think all at once. Growing is complicated, relationships with others are complicated, living is complicated. But I’m learning from it. The past month, and year have showed me so much about myself, and taught me so much about those around me. I have watched relationships grow and blossom, friendships rekindle and for that I am so grateful, I wold be lost without those. And i have seen some friendships grow and die, some people become close ot me and then push me away without explanation. And i have accepted this, dealt with the pain and am trying to move on. I have grown in my love of Judaism, in my relationship with God, and I have grown with my relationship to myself. I have learned that it is o.k. to be me, that my smile is beautiful and I feel so much better when I’m smiling. And i have learned that I can do it, I can be alone, I can live and take care of myself, I have spread my wings and flown, and surprised myself. AMAZING! And I thank God, for all these lessons and more, I thank my friends, new and old, ones who are still with me and those who have left me, because without them, I wouldn’t be able to have learned who I am. And i thank my family for their undying support, laughter and love.
This past Tuesday, at my interdenominational learning session, we had to describe our theology of God. A challenge for me. This summer I spent a lot of time evaluating and reevaluating my relationship with God, my thoughs, ideas, beliefs. They grew and changed with the learning from my peers, the wonderful people who supported me, challenged me, pushed me and helped me grow. These are the people who told me it was o.k. to be angry with God, it was healthy. Something I’m not used to hearing, something most clergy or clergy to be don’t really get to express. So, with this on my mind, and all the challenges of late, i created a theology, that is changing every day. Before I post it, i want to say that it is changing, and that my theology is influenced by my today and my immediate yesterday, and will probably change tomorrow. My “God image” reflects my image of a good friend, of something I think I’m yearning for more every day.
Eve’s Theology of “God” today: For me, God is the ultimate chevruta and sounding board. Some days my relationship with God is strong, loving, admiring. Others it is filled with resentment, confusion, frustration and anger. God knows, and sometimes God shares the answers. Sometimes it is yes, sometimes it is no, and sometimes I have to wait to find out. Sometimes i need to wait, fight, yell and scream at God, and I know that is o.k. I knwo that is part of the relationship, part of the emotion. God is forgiving, God knows. God sets struggles and challenges for me to overcome and grow from. My expectations of God are high, unreachable, but they are also low, expecting nothing more than to recognize God’s presence and support in my everyday life. “God is in this place and I, I did not know it.” “Not everyone believes in God, but God believes in everyone because God created them.” God is a healer, or helps us to heal those who need it. It isup to me to help others, and sometimes “Godliness” is manifest in me and through others. Adonai Li v’lo Ira- God is with me, I shall not fear. Blind faith leads me to belief, life experience. I believe in a God who is understanding of my needs. It is o.k. to be angry with God, it is healthy. Sometimes I feel like I am on God’s “shitlist” but this is o.k. beause sometimes God is on mine! God is in nature, God is in the seasons, the beauty of the wrold aroudn me. God is the perfect song at the right moment on my ipod, and God is in the chance meeting of an old friend in a new place. God is individual, God is there, God listens. God is….
so? more to come!
Sick
First, I should apologize for the lack of posting lately. School has really picked up with finals only 2 weeks away, and I was sick. Sick, as in I missed school for the first time since probably middle school because I was sick. So sick I ended up in the Doctors office for my first Israeli doctor experience. I’ll say nothing more than, when Im sick, I miss being in America a lot. I miss things like Gatorade, heat all day long, gloves on the dr. when they take blood, instant sick scheduling, etc. Since I never get sick, I don’t know how to ask for help. I very much appreciated all of my friends support and offers to help me out, but i didn’t know what to do, so I sat home, tryingto figure out what i needed. Next time I get sick (hopefully not for a long time) I think I’ll take some orange juice and chicken soup, don’t ask, just bring it over!
In the meantime, most of school was sick, so the teachers somewhat held back on their teaching. In my Hebrew class of about 10, only 4 people were there one day. I guess it’s “going around.” I did everyone a favor by staying home. Although, I wish my teachers would do us a favor and spread out the work a little more farily thorughout the semester so we’re not all pulling all nighters and tearing our hair out to get stuff done. One day! In the mean time, I have lots of work to do, but have no fear, Israel is still quite the experience. And when finals are over, I’ll tell you all about it!
In the meantime, most of school was sick, so the teachers somewhat held back on their teaching. In my Hebrew class of about 10, only 4 people were there one day. I guess it’s “going around.” I did everyone a favor by staying home. Although, I wish my teachers would do us a favor and spread out the work a little more farily thorughout the semester so we’re not all pulling all nighters and tearing our hair out to get stuff done. One day! In the mean time, I have lots of work to do, but have no fear, Israel is still quite the experience. And when finals are over, I’ll tell you all about it!
Yehi Shalom Beheilech…
I was walking home otnight, thinking about the world, thinking about my week, my life, and I know it iwll all be o.k. This past week has presented me with many many challenges. The biggest beign my computer’s near crash, and the smallest being the lack of sleep, with my massive amount of homework spreading it’s way slowly though my week! I was thinking about how wonderful it is to be in a place where I can go for a walk and just clear my mind. Sometimes, i walk and something happens and I’m out of my funk. sometimes it is when the perfect song comes on my ipod at the perfect time, sometimes it is when i run into a friend who smiels at me. Sometimes it is when i run into someone I have not seen for years. I think this is what makes this city so magical. I was walking aorund with a visiting frind tonight and i see someone who looked familiar, like one of my childhood friends, and it turns out, it was one of my best friends from third grade. AMAZING! We are both living here, and we reconnect on a street corner. I dont’ know about you, my loyal readers, but I know that doesn’t usually happen to me in America. But here, in this magical city, it happens all the time. And I am SOOOO Happy it does!
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It will be good, but sometimes I am broken. As i was walking around town this evening, getting some air before locking myself in my room to do the homework I have been putting off, I started to think. Why is it that good intentions are always misunderstood, that wanting to help and be a good friend is always thought of as wanting something in return, wanting to be mor e than friends, or something else? I’ve seen this a lot recently. Sometimes, all I want to do is be nice, help out, be there for my friends, and nothing more than have a nice friendship.
I’ve found that lately, I am bothered because I give my heart to so many, put my heart into so many frienships because I truly care about people, and they don’t get it. I would do almost anything for anyone I consider my friend. I put my heart into it, I want people to be happy, I want to help. But, I think that’s my fault for caring too much, for putting too much of me into it, for trying to be a nice person. Is it so hard to ask how someone’s day is, to call someone back, to be a friend? Dont’ worry, I’m not talking about anyone in particular, I’m just thinking about events I’ve had in my life, feelings I have, things I’ve seen. I think it’s society, going back to “When Harry Met Sally” and the famous line: men and women can’t just be friends. Maybe we can? I think it’s possible, I really do. Who knows, i guess I’ll just have to go on testing my theory!
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It will be good, but sometimes I am broken. As i was walking around town this evening, getting some air before locking myself in my room to do the homework I have been putting off, I started to think. Why is it that good intentions are always misunderstood, that wanting to help and be a good friend is always thought of as wanting something in return, wanting to be mor e than friends, or something else? I’ve seen this a lot recently. Sometimes, all I want to do is be nice, help out, be there for my friends, and nothing more than have a nice friendship.
I’ve found that lately, I am bothered because I give my heart to so many, put my heart into so many frienships because I truly care about people, and they don’t get it. I would do almost anything for anyone I consider my friend. I put my heart into it, I want people to be happy, I want to help. But, I think that’s my fault for caring too much, for putting too much of me into it, for trying to be a nice person. Is it so hard to ask how someone’s day is, to call someone back, to be a friend? Dont’ worry, I’m not talking about anyone in particular, I’m just thinking about events I’ve had in my life, feelings I have, things I’ve seen. I think it’s society, going back to “When Harry Met Sally” and the famous line: men and women can’t just be friends. Maybe we can? I think it’s possible, I really do. Who knows, i guess I’ll just have to go on testing my theory!
Rabbi Eve Posen 