The title of this entry came to my head, partly because the song was on my ipod, but partly because I’m wondering how true it is. The hardest to learn is sometimes the least complicated, but sometimes the most. I’m learning lately, that life is more complicated than i would like, and less complicated than I think all at once. Growing is complicated, relationships with others are complicated, living is complicated. But I’m learning from it. The past month, and year have showed me so much about myself, and taught me so much about those around me. I have watched relationships grow and blossom, friendships rekindle and for that I am so grateful, I wold be lost without those. And i have seen some friendships grow and die, some people become close ot me and then push me away without explanation. And i have accepted this, dealt with the pain and am trying to move on. I have grown in my love of Judaism, in my relationship with God, and I have grown with my relationship to myself. I have learned that it is o.k. to be me, that my smile is beautiful and I feel so much better when I’m smiling. And i have learned that I can do it, I can be alone, I can live and take care of myself, I have spread my wings and flown, and surprised myself. AMAZING! And I thank God, for all these lessons and more, I thank my friends, new and old, ones who are still with me and those who have left me, because without them, I wouldn’t be able to have learned who I am. And i thank my family for their undying support, laughter and love.
This past Tuesday, at my interdenominational learning session, we had to describe our theology of God. A challenge for me. This summer I spent a lot of time evaluating and reevaluating my relationship with God, my thoughs, ideas, beliefs. They grew and changed with the learning from my peers, the wonderful people who supported me, challenged me, pushed me and helped me grow. These are the people who told me it was o.k. to be angry with God, it was healthy. Something I’m not used to hearing, something most clergy or clergy to be don’t really get to express. So, with this on my mind, and all the challenges of late, i created a theology, that is changing every day. Before I post it, i want to say that it is changing, and that my theology is influenced by my today and my immediate yesterday, and will probably change tomorrow. My “God image” reflects my image of a good friend, of something I think I’m yearning for more every day.
Eve’s Theology of “God” today: For me, God is the ultimate chevruta and sounding board. Some days my relationship with God is strong, loving, admiring. Others it is filled with resentment, confusion, frustration and anger. God knows, and sometimes God shares the answers. Sometimes it is yes, sometimes it is no, and sometimes I have to wait to find out. Sometimes i need to wait, fight, yell and scream at God, and I know that is o.k. I knwo that is part of the relationship, part of the emotion. God is forgiving, God knows. God sets struggles and challenges for me to overcome and grow from. My expectations of God are high, unreachable, but they are also low, expecting nothing more than to recognize God’s presence and support in my everyday life. “God is in this place and I, I did not know it.” “Not everyone believes in God, but God believes in everyone because God created them.” God is a healer, or helps us to heal those who need it. It isup to me to help others, and sometimes “Godliness” is manifest in me and through others. Adonai Li v’lo Ira- God is with me, I shall not fear. Blind faith leads me to belief, life experience. I believe in a God who is understanding of my needs. It is o.k. to be angry with God, it is healthy. Sometimes I feel like I am on God’s “shitlist” but this is o.k. beause sometimes God is on mine! God is in nature, God is in the seasons, the beauty of the wrold aroudn me. God is the perfect song at the right moment on my ipod, and God is in the chance meeting of an old friend in a new place. God is individual, God is there, God listens. God is….
so? more to come!