Choose Life, Choose You!

Eve PosenLeave a comment
*Text of the Drash I gave on first day Rosh HaShannah at the PicoEgal Minyan before Musaf… delivery definitely varied from the written word! Enjoy!*

A very wise man once wrote to me: I just want you to know that careers and life are not the same. You can change careers and you can change locations but your life is whatever you are and wherever you are. I am not sure I understood what he was saying when I first read this as I was a senior in College, but now, this year, it suddenly makes sense.

This past Shabbat, we read from Parshat Nitzavim Chapter 30 verse 19-20 states:

I call heaven and earth to witness against you this day: I have put before you life and death, blessing and curse, CHOOSE LIFE- if you and your offspring would live, by loving the Lord your God, heeding his commands and holding fast to him, for thereby you shall have life and shall long endure…. ETC.”

The parshah we read leading up to Rosh Hashannah and this new year implores us to choose life. This implies that our destiny is in our hands, we have the choice- CHOOSE LIFE!

This seems fitting as we enter into Rosh Hashanah and a new year. As we will read shortly, today the world was born, HaYom HARAT OLAM- we have a clean slate, a clean beginning. We have the choice to choose how our world will shape up in the next year.

And yet, The text of the Amidah for Musaf states in the Unetanetokef prayer- on Rosh Hashannah it is written and on Yom Kippur it is sealed- God determines the destiny of living creatures- Camah Ya’avorun v’chamah yibarun, Mi Yikyeh u’mi Yamut, Mi B’kiso u’mi lo bkiso, mi ba’esh u’mi ba’mayim, etc. How many shall leave this world and how many shall be born into it, who shall live and who shall die, who shall live out the limit of his days and who shall not, who shall perish by fire and who by water, etc.

This implies that the choice is not in our hands, but God’s hands- our fate is sealed. Since I moved to Southern California, it seems even more real with the fires, earthquakes, mudslides, maybe I don’t have the choice.

So what do we do with these two seemingly contradictory pieces in our texts. As we enter into this task of spending time with ourselves, taking inventory of the past year, trying to seal ourselves into the book of life, we have this task- choose life, choose to live, work on yourself.

The Slonim Rebbe had some of the same questions that I had- is it in our hands, or God’s hands? How can I choose life if it says in the liturgy, God will decide? He teaches that there is a difference between the spiritual and the physical- the text of the unetanetokef- we will live and who will die? is speaking of the physical, those things which we all realize we have little control over. While the text in Nitzavim teaches us on the spiritual, CHOOSE LIFE- it is we choose to live a Godly life, we have the power to choose how our spiritual life will pan out.

It seems to me that these texts always come hand in hand, we have the choice to live, and when we aren’t strong enough to make that choice, God will help us along. We are living in a partnership, to choose life is to choose our own path, to believe, to pray.

That wise man was reminding me that the choice is mine. As we enter into the Musaf, we stand before God, vulnerable, open, exposed, take a moment to make your own choice, with the silence left by the lack of the shofar, take the time to choose life, which direction will you go? With this gift of time, which will you choose? Life? Change? Blessing? Here we are given a gift, the lines to God are open. We are here in this place with one task at hand. We are to take stock in ourselves, open our minds and hearts, speak to god. What is your choice?

Justice Justice

Eve PosenLeave a comment
I am spending this summer working at an organization in Chicago that works with seniors on issues of affordable housing and home care for the older adult population. I spend my days working with people who have worked their whole lives, who have given their all to society, and yet, their pensions don’t cover rent, their social security barely covers the basic needs of a month. I work with individuals who deserve to live their lives with dignity, who have only ever treated others as honorable human beings, and yet, they are in a fight with the world to keep their homes, to keep their buildings affordable.
A week ago, one of the members stated that they must stand up for themselves since no one else will do it for them. I’m not sure that statement is true, after all, I spend time with them, I’m fighting for them. I think, rather, they need to stand up for themselves because each individual has a story, a history, a voice that can will you to listen, help, hope with and for them.
I have been thinking about the injustices in the world, which i know are too many to mention. What strikes me the most is that the government thinks I need xx dollars to live on every year, and yet, this amount is at least $10,00 above the poverty line for a family of 4. That’s right, I need xx to live on, as a single, working student, and the family of four is expected to live on less than that. I dont’ understand the math. I learned that I am expected and asked to live on $xx a month and yet, a social security check, for a woman who has worked since she was 16, is nearly half that. how is that fair. Yes, I can pay back my loans, God-willing one day, but what happened to the value of a life’s work? what happens to the widow who has no one to take care of her? what happens to the man who needs a nurse to help him with his daily life but can’t afford to pay her with the raise in wages? what happens to the family who is expected to live on $xxx a month, after they’ve worked three jobs and can’t make ends meet?
I dont have the answers, I have an idea as to where to begin- with a relationship, a meeting, getting to know the neighbor you never spoke to. Writing a letter in support of those who helped build our country so we can have the freedoms today. Sometimes, it’s hard to find the Justice in our world, the justice in working hard… these are the glory years?!

Alligator Tears

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Here I am, back in Chicago, ready to spend my summer making the world better, and my tears are the big droplets, like the raindrops that fell on my head in the storm this morning. They come and go, they are strong, steady, filled with rage, sadness, uncertainty. My life is full of uncertainty, what will happen next? I thought I had it all planned out, thought I knew, and last summer, my life flipped upside down, everything changed, my plan was called into question, my mind forced to go places it never wanted to go, my heart torn clean in two.
And then, i started to heal, started the long, tedious process of stitching my heart back together, of building a new plan, a plan with purpose and meaning, a plan that would fulfill me, a plan that would make my dad and my family proud. A plan i could fulfill. And life went on. I was surprised on the journey, on how strong I could be on the outside and how weak i feel on the inside. I was surprised by how much i could love, how trusting i could be, and scared at the what ifs of love. Excited by what was coming and hurt by indecision and waiting.
I finished my masters, i finished a stage in my plan, and now, my plan is back at zero, I don’t’ know where i’m going. I am back where I started last summer, my heart’s a little healed, but my foundation is shaky, and I am TERRIFIED of the uncertain future ahead of me. and so, I’ll cry, big alligator tears, they flow from my inner being, filling pools with my innocent tears, tears of fear, love, uncertainty, sadness, happiness, pain, guilt, a flood of anxiety over a bright future with too much uncertainty.

Days Gone By

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I haven’t written in a while, partly because of the craziness that comes with graduation (yes, I completed the course work towards my Masters of Arts in Education) and part of it has to do with the numbness I have been feeling towards the world. I guess at this moment, I’m 9, nearly 10 months through the mourning process, and some days I still feel like I did at the beginning, missing him, them more and each day. And some times, i forget it happened, for that brief moment, my life is as I felt it should be, happy, fulfilled, loving every minute. And then something happens, and I want to call them so badly.
A year ago, I stood, ready to receive the Torah, to stand at the mountain for Shavuot a different person. I stood, less strong, more unsure of myself, now i stand, unsure, but strong.
Now I stand, hurting in my very core, craving normalcy, routine, as I did a year ago. I stand here, waiting for the Torah, for direction in my life, for a 5 year plan. I hurt at my core for my family, for those lost in the last year, conversations never had, conversations that can’t be had now, that can’t ever be had again.