Author: Eve Posen

EMPTY, HIGH, HERE, ME

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I had meant to post this earlier, when I wrote it, but time has slipped away, so here is my reflection after Yom Kippur in Israel, after many emotions and experiences in my life! I sit here, floodded with emotions and yet, I am empty-spiritually full, refreshed, but emotionally empty. What can i do? WHere does this come from? I think about Yom Kippur and the spiritual high that came with it. The joy of beginning and finishing and entire liturgy of special prayer and emerging new, changed, refreshed. What an incredible feeling. What a great place and yet, after all of that- after all the love, all the emotion, i sit here two days later, drained, empty, confused. Which is better than where i started, but where does this leave me? In the end, what does this do for me? How can I feel so much and so little at the same time? And I sit here, in teh beautiful sun, the warmth of Jerusalem, and know this is the last time for a while that I will be able to do this, that soon classes will begin, that I will again be a student with a set routine, with a schedule and I will long for the days of summe,r for the early fall when I sat outside in the sun, and with Jerusalem in all her glory, alone with my thoughts, my heart and my love. And i wonder what will become of these friendships, both strong and new when we don’t see each other all day every day. I will yearn for the simplicity, for the peacefulness, for the feeling of home. And the test begins- will I be able to hold on to the changes created in me this summer? The changes i created, found, loved? WIll I be able to hold on to the happiness, carefree, lvoing Eve I am now, or will i revert back to my old ways? Oh, how I hope, how I pray that I continue to change, to grow, to Love. I like the new me, the happy me, the beautiful me who has learned to embrace change, embrace life, embrace love, embrace the beauty I now see I have. Maybe this si the center I have been yearnign for? Maybe all of this is the spiral towards the pull of the center? I think i am more centered that I think, more here, more at home than I know, than i want to know. And all those expectations of travel, of exploration, would be nice, but are not necessary to my happiness. My happiness is contingent on me, on what I decided to make of my life. I have the power to be happy, I can regret or I can live. Whatever choice I decide to make will be the right one for me, the choice is mine and I know happiness is also mine. I need to decide, I need to take control, I need to believe in me! And I am here- emotionally drained, exhausted, but spiritually high and full. I am here, ready to embark on the journey, open and ready for what comes my way, and confident that I will survive, I will live, I will be happy. In the end, as long as I am proud of myself, confident and content- everything will be right, and I will be o.k…. OH THE PLACES I’LL GO….

The Hills are Alive…

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With the sound of my Ipod, with the sound of change, with the sweet smell of fall, with the beauty of the land. I am in awe of a country to small with such a variety in the landscape, climate and culture. Yesterday, as part of orientation for Schechter, we went up north by bus for the day. Our bus pulled out of Schechter at 7:50am and by 10:30 we were up north. We spent the day tyourning different sites of the earliey zionsits, the second Aliyah and the 1920’s. The point of our first two tiyulim were to understand the complexities of the country, see the dream and the reality, ideal and truth. And we certainly have seen that and more. This did not stem only from this trip, but from living in Israel. Ideally, the Jewish country would be run with Jewish morals and values, human dignity and respect would be paramount. This is obviously not the case given the recent governmental issues, the probelms with the religious vs. secular Jews and so much more.
It was wonderful to finally exit Jerusalem and see more of the country. In order ot go north, we first drove south, and into the west bank and then continued our way up north. My day entailed gorgeous views out the widnow of the desert, the barren land, small settlements, camels, cows, and then as we moved north, greenery and mountains. The beautiful flowers of the north, the full kinneret in all her majesty and so much more. The land so rich with beauty, with lessons, with love. I sat on the bus, absorbed in the sounds of my ipod, and the wonders of creation. I saw how much I have grown since I last sat on a bus and traveled the country, how much I have changed, and how much I am still so deeply in love and enamoured with the country. This country has brought me so much, and i feel as though i have given so little back in return. I have grown as an individual in the last 6 weeks I have been here, I grew as a Jew here, I grew into myself i this land, found myself. So many firsts were had in this special place; my first kiss, my first relationship, my first pomegranate, my first time living completely on my own, my first time putting on tefillin in the old city. Each day brings with it a new first, and I can’t wait to experience them, feel them, grow with them.
I had meant ot write so much more about the experience, but I am feeling exhausted, rushed and overwhelmed with emotion these days. In a nut shell, School will probably be an incredible experience. The JTS people are overwhelming, but a wonderful group. It is really great to hav such vast personalities and new faces and opinions in my learning. I am excited for the year, ready for what it brings, open to the beatuy it will bring me, the change that comes… I stand here, Hineni in Eretz Yisrael, ready for it all!

Back to Life, Back to Reality… Tefillin at the Kotel

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So, I write this as I try to process my first day of school at Machon Schechter in Jerusalem. Today, I ventured with my classmates to our new school for the year, filled with anxiety, excitement, smiles and fears. We knew the day would be long, filled with information, we knew it would be intense, we knew there would be a lot of Hebrew… but what did I expect? Today was very symbolic in many ways. First, it was my first day of school, the beginning of a new journey. This was coupled with the reading of the torah (more on that later) and parshat Beresheit, the Torah is also being read from the beginning again. And so, my journey begins!!
The first day of school began with a special treat. Bill Davidson from Detroit, owner of the Pistons and great philanthropist was in town today in order to dedicate a Torah he had written. The special piece of this is that it was written for the purpose of being used at the Masorti Kotel, at Robinson’s arch, the southern wall of the temple! We were the group that got to use it for the first time, dedicate it, dance with it, celebrate it. Celebrate the Torah, celebrate our learning together, and all right there and the site of our History. And there, I got to be, at a holy site, at the place where my ancestors gathered, adni was able to freely express my faith.
One of my goals for this year was to put on my Tefillin and daven outloud at the Kotel, or at least in the old city. This time instead of doing to be a rebel, to show my disapproval for the way the Orthodox community treats the masorti community, I wanted to do it for myself. I put on my tefillin because iw anted to, because I could, because it was a spiritually intense moment for myself. I stood at the wall, prayed with such spirit, such kavanah, that all else seemed trivial. there we were, begining our journey together, the sounds of a bar mitzvah with drums, shofarot, dancing in the distance, and the modern sounds of the cars honking surrounded me, but all i was able to pay attention to was the beauty of the moment, the warmth of the sun, the warmth of the love of Torah that surrounded us!
After that, we all quickly boarded the bus to head back to Machon Schechter where we listened to a variety of speakers and presentations on the year, all in Hebrew. Surprisingly, i understood most of it, although, it is quite hard because I cannot zone out even for a second, otherwise, I was totally lost!! We took placement exams and I placed into the Level 4 Talmud and Level 3 codes. Today we have some more advising at the school, but the rest of the day is mine. I think I will walk around and do some other mind clearing tasks before I really get into school mode!
I came home from school completely overwhelmed by all the information, but enthused and excited about the possibilities of the year. My JTS classmates seem like an incredibly enthusiastic and fun group, and a bit overpowering of the mere 8 UJ students and 24 JTS students. All in all, I am incredibly excited abou tthe year, about the possibilities it holds, about the growing, learning, experiences. I cannot wait to see what it brings!

On another note, I want to just marvel at the fact that on Shabbat we said the prayer for rain and for wind, and on Sunday, it actually rained. The weather is actually completely different from last week, it’s cool out, chilly even, snuggle weather at night. It is amazing to live in a land where prayers are actually answered. Amazing to see the conection the rabbis had with the land, with the weather, with their environment, and watch it all happen miraculously before my eyes!
And on the note, I need to get ready for my day!! I am looking forward to all that it will bring me!!

V’zot HaTorah, And This is the Torah, The End of the Beginning

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I sit here, Shabbat just ending, the chaggim are over, and I am so overwhelmed I do not even know where to begin, how to describe what I have experienced. More so, I want to capture the feeling, the engergy, the love, the emotion, everything I felt these last 25 hours and I don’t know how. Having the end of Sukkot/Shemini Atzeret/Simchat Torah all take place in one day, and on top of that, the day being Shabbat has been a gift to me. I have experienced a love of Torah, awakened my senses to the love that lives inside of me for celebrating my Judaism, exalting in the Torah, the love of learning, dancing, loving and laughing.
What a gift it is to end something, to finish the Torah, and then begin it all over again. Last year, I read the torah with a lens that allowed me to see it in a new light. I pushed myself to examine the words of the Torah in ways that they were applied to me personally, to my life, my world, as well as to our youth, I learned torah last year by teaching, making it relevant. This year, I want to learn Torah out of love, compassion, finding for myself the signs of God’s love for each of his/her creations. What a gift to be able to learn again, reexamine all that I have. I was struck sitting in services with the idea of being married to Torah. In parshat Bereshit it says that God said “It is not good for man to be alone.” This line is commonly used at weddings, when one finds their besheret. And while I fully believe that this is an accurate usage of the verse, I have found a new meaning as well. In my search for love, in the quest to quench my thirst for Judaism and learning, I have in a way become married to Torah. Just as it is not good for man to be alone, without a mate, so too, it was and is not good for me to be without torah, without learning in my life. As the hatan Torah and Kalah Bereshit came to the torah today, they created an image for me in which i felt as though I was connected to the Torah in a way I never have been before, one I cannot describe.
So, you might be wondering, what did i experience to make this so meaningful? Where did I go? How does Israel celebrate a two day chag in one day? Well, I will tell you! With incredible energy and excitiment, with family and friends, with singing and dancing, with laughter and love.
I began the holiday by going with my friends to a minyan called Yakar, which meets about 20 minutes from my apartment. Yakar is an orthodox minyan that has a mechitza (separate seading for men and women), and davens with remarkable intention and melodies. I usually love the Kabbalat Shabbat service there, but there wasn’t one that met my needs last night. That is, until we began the Hakafot (dancing with the Torahs). All of the sudden the men left the room, and the women took over. We danced with the Torah for more than an hour, singing, jumping, dancing, loving. There was something so beautiful about being and a room with probably close to 200 women dancing with the Torah, not worrying about what the men think, not showing off, looking to see who is there. Just dancing with each other, holding the Torah, some for the first time. Loving the torah. And then, I held the Torah, i danced with the Torah in my arms, sang my heart out, and found myself in a place i had not found before. I was at home in an environment that I would never have thought i could be at home. And so my holiday began with dancing and singing, Seeing people i haven’t seen in years, and connecting more with my close friends here. Watching my friend J find herself uplifted and moved by the dancing, ready to engage with Judaism, engage her soul with the life she is choosing, was a blessing. The gift is that I am able to help her, guide her, watch her as she begins her journey! The evening concluded with a long but yummy dinner with the rest of my friends at Steve’s place. I was in bed by midnight, gearing up for today.
This morning I met J at 8 and we walked to Kedem for davening. Kedem is an egalitarian minyan that meets in Jerusalem every Shabbat and Chag. This minyan is unaffiliated with a movement and completly lay led. The davening began at 8am and ended around 1:30ish. Again, i found myself inspired by the davening, the songs, the dancing, the love of Torah, of each other. WE began to dance with the torah, men and women together, embracing the Torah, embracing love of learning, Judaism, life. We sang and dang and dnaced until our feet hurt and then continued on. We combined so many services into the day, and each folded beautifully into the emotions i was feeling. We rejoiced with Hallel, Danced with the Torah for Hakafot, read the Torah, ended a journey and began anew (just like me), prayed Yizkor and remembered those whose spirit guides us but no longer physically walk this earth (a blessing in disguise. I miss my grammy, Zayde, Nana and so many others who have left me, but always find ways to bring their memory into my life each day, it was wonderful to have them with me!), Prayed for the rainy season to begin (at the exact moment we prayed, the weather began to change, it’s cooler, fall is here!), and sang our hearts out with Musaf. The entired day was filled with energy, with intention, and with Love.
And now, I feel alive, invigorated, ready to take on the world, take on my year, take on myself. I will change this year, i will continue to grow. I will love this year, more than i already do, I will love my family, my friends, myself. The year moves in a circle, sometimes, it is repetative. The trick, the key is to find meaning, find differences, find the love. This is the challenge of living year to year, month to month, week to week, day to day, hour to hour…. This is what I will do!
School starts on Monday, enjoying my last day of my 5 months of summer!
“Turn it over and over, you will find everything in it!” ~Rabbi Ben Bag Bag, Perkei Avot 5:24

We’re Going to the Zoo, Zoo Zoo, How about You, You, You?

Eve Posen1 Comment

Over sukkot I spent my time enjoying Jerusalem, running errands, and being free before classes start! Part of this was meeting up with my friend Ayelet, who worked with me at Tamarack. It was so wonderful to reconnect with an old friend, speak in Hebrew, and just be with someone who knows me, understands me. We ate dinner together and then she wanted to show me one of her favorite plces in Jerusalem (She grew up here!). We got in her car, and headed off to Yemin Moshe, the first neighborhood built outside of the old city. The neighborhood is marked by a big windmill. We walked the streets of the quiet neighborhood, took in the views, the smells and the wonderful, peacefull feeling as we took in the old city, and an old friendship. This was the perfect end to a perfect day of peace in the Old City.
The next day, my friends Matt and Jen and I went to the Jerusalem Zoo/biblical Zoo. Now this was an experience. The animals were great, very active, and the people were interesting ot say the least! Because it is sukkot, the zoo was filled with families off from work and school, religious and secular, and everything in between. I spent the day hanging out with the lemurs, where you can actually go into their habitat, and have them come right up to you, AMAZING!
And that is the story of the zoo in Israel, and my israeli adventures.
Now, I am about to enter into probably one of the most chaotic and busy shabbats of my life. This shabbat marks the end of Sukkot with Shemini Atzeret and Simchat Torah all in one day here in Israel because there is only one day of chag instead of two! For Shabbat morning, services will be packed with all the additions for Shabbat and also a chag, but I am looking forward to watching Israel combine the many elements of services, but also life into a beautiful blend and allowing that blend to to embrace me and me it. Shabbat Shalom, Chag Sameach, and LOVE TO ALL!! I MISS YOU!!