I had meant to post this earlier, when I wrote it, but time has slipped away, so here is my reflection after Yom Kippur in Israel, after many emotions and experiences in my life! I sit here, floodded with emotions and yet, I am empty-spiritually full, refreshed, but emotionally empty. What can i do? WHere does this come from? I think about Yom Kippur and the spiritual high that came with it. The joy of beginning and finishing and entire liturgy of special prayer and emerging new, changed, refreshed. What an incredible feeling. What a great place and yet, after all of that- after all the love, all the emotion, i sit here two days later, drained, empty, confused. Which is better than where i started, but where does this leave me? In the end, what does this do for me? How can I feel so much and so little at the same time? And I sit here, in teh beautiful sun, the warmth of Jerusalem, and know this is the last time for a while that I will be able to do this, that soon classes will begin, that I will again be a student with a set routine, with a schedule and I will long for the days of summe,r for the early fall when I sat outside in the sun, and with Jerusalem in all her glory, alone with my thoughts, my heart and my love. And i wonder what will become of these friendships, both strong and new when we don’t see each other all day every day. I will yearn for the simplicity, for the peacefulness, for the feeling of home. And the test begins- will I be able to hold on to the changes created in me this summer? The changes i created, found, loved? WIll I be able to hold on to the happiness, carefree, lvoing Eve I am now, or will i revert back to my old ways? Oh, how I hope, how I pray that I continue to change, to grow, to Love. I like the new me, the happy me, the beautiful me who has learned to embrace change, embrace life, embrace love, embrace the beauty I now see I have. Maybe this si the center I have been yearnign for? Maybe all of this is the spiral towards the pull of the center? I think i am more centered that I think, more here, more at home than I know, than i want to know. And all those expectations of travel, of exploration, would be nice, but are not necessary to my happiness. My happiness is contingent on me, on what I decided to make of my life. I have the power to be happy, I can regret or I can live. Whatever choice I decide to make will be the right one for me, the choice is mine and I know happiness is also mine. I need to decide, I need to take control, I need to believe in me! And I am here- emotionally drained, exhausted, but spiritually high and full. I am here, ready to embark on the journey, open and ready for what comes my way, and confident that I will survive, I will live, I will be happy. In the end, as long as I am proud of myself, confident and content- everything will be right, and I will be o.k…. OH THE PLACES I’LL GO….
Rabbi Eve Posen 