Author: Eve Posen

The Hardest to Learn is the Least Complicated?!?!

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I was walking home today, thinking about my life lately, thinking about the world, thinking about my learning. ANd i started to think about all the hardship, all the struggles, and what I’m supposed to be learning from it all. My life this past month has been a challenge. I have been through more emotions than I can count, more tests, more challenges, but I am o.k.!

The title of this entry came to my head, partly because the song was on my ipod, but partly because I’m wondering how true it is. The hardest to learn is sometimes the least complicated, but sometimes the most. I’m learning lately, that life is more complicated than i would like, and less complicated than I think all at once. Growing is complicated, relationships with others are complicated, living is complicated. But I’m learning from it. The past month, and year have showed me so much about myself, and taught me so much about those around me. I have watched relationships grow and blossom, friendships rekindle and for that I am so grateful, I wold be lost without those. And i have seen some friendships grow and die, some people become close ot me and then push me away without explanation. And i have accepted this, dealt with the pain and am trying to move on. I have grown in my love of Judaism, in my relationship with God, and I have grown with my relationship to myself. I have learned that it is o.k. to be me, that my smile is beautiful and I feel so much better when I’m smiling. And i have learned that I can do it, I can be alone, I can live and take care of myself, I have spread my wings and flown, and surprised myself. AMAZING! And I thank God, for all these lessons and more, I thank my friends, new and old, ones who are still with me and those who have left me, because without them, I wouldn’t be able to have learned who I am. And i thank my family for their undying support, laughter and love.

This past Tuesday, at my interdenominational learning session, we had to describe our theology of God. A challenge for me. This summer I spent a lot of time evaluating and reevaluating my relationship with God, my thoughs, ideas, beliefs. They grew and changed with the learning from my peers, the wonderful people who supported me, challenged me, pushed me and helped me grow. These are the people who told me it was o.k. to be angry with God, it was healthy. Something I’m not used to hearing, something most clergy or clergy to be don’t really get to express. So, with this on my mind, and all the challenges of late, i created a theology, that is changing every day. Before I post it, i want to say that it is changing, and that my theology is influenced by my today and my immediate yesterday, and will probably change tomorrow. My “God image” reflects my image of a good friend, of something I think I’m yearning for more every day.

Eve’s Theology of “God” today: For me, God is the ultimate chevruta and sounding board. Some days my relationship with God is strong, loving, admiring. Others it is filled with resentment, confusion, frustration and anger. God knows, and sometimes God shares the answers. Sometimes it is yes, sometimes it is no, and sometimes I have to wait to find out. Sometimes i need to wait, fight, yell and scream at God, and I know that is o.k. I knwo that is part of the relationship, part of the emotion. God is forgiving, God knows. God sets struggles and challenges for me to overcome and grow from. My expectations of God are high, unreachable, but they are also low, expecting nothing more than to recognize God’s presence and support in my everyday life. “God is in this place and I, I did not know it.” “Not everyone believes in God, but God believes in everyone because God created them.” God is a healer, or helps us to heal those who need it. It isup to me to help others, and sometimes “Godliness” is manifest in me and through others. Adonai Li v’lo Ira- God is with me, I shall not fear. Blind faith leads me to belief, life experience. I believe in a God who is understanding of my needs. It is o.k. to be angry with God, it is healthy. Sometimes I feel like I am on God’s “shitlist” but this is o.k. beause sometimes God is on mine! God is in nature, God is in the seasons, the beauty of the wrold aroudn me. God is the perfect song at the right moment on my ipod, and God is in the chance meeting of an old friend in a new place. God is individual, God is there, God listens. God is….
so? more to come!

Sick

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First, I should apologize for the lack of posting lately. School has really picked up with finals only 2 weeks away, and I was sick. Sick, as in I missed school for the first time since probably middle school because I was sick. So sick I ended up in the Doctors office for my first Israeli doctor experience. I’ll say nothing more than, when Im sick, I miss being in America a lot. I miss things like Gatorade, heat all day long, gloves on the dr. when they take blood, instant sick scheduling, etc. Since I never get sick, I don’t know how to ask for help. I very much appreciated all of my friends support and offers to help me out, but i didn’t know what to do, so I sat home, tryingto figure out what i needed. Next time I get sick (hopefully not for a long time) I think I’ll take some orange juice and chicken soup, don’t ask, just bring it over!
In the meantime, most of school was sick, so the teachers somewhat held back on their teaching. In my Hebrew class of about 10, only 4 people were there one day. I guess it’s “going around.” I did everyone a favor by staying home. Although, I wish my teachers would do us a favor and spread out the work a little more farily thorughout the semester so we’re not all pulling all nighters and tearing our hair out to get stuff done. One day! In the mean time, I have lots of work to do, but have no fear, Israel is still quite the experience. And when finals are over, I’ll tell you all about it!

Yehi Shalom Beheilech…

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I was walking home otnight, thinking about the world, thinking about my week, my life, and I know it iwll all be o.k. This past week has presented me with many many challenges. The biggest beign my computer’s near crash, and the smallest being the lack of sleep, with my massive amount of homework spreading it’s way slowly though my week! I was thinking about how wonderful it is to be in a place where I can go for a walk and just clear my mind. Sometimes, i walk and something happens and I’m out of my funk. sometimes it is when the perfect song comes on my ipod at the perfect time, sometimes it is when i run into a friend who smiels at me. Sometimes it is when i run into someone I have not seen for years. I think this is what makes this city so magical. I was walking aorund with a visiting frind tonight and i see someone who looked familiar, like one of my childhood friends, and it turns out, it was one of my best friends from third grade. AMAZING! We are both living here, and we reconnect on a street corner. I dont’ know about you, my loyal readers, but I know that doesn’t usually happen to me in America. But here, in this magical city, it happens all the time. And I am SOOOO Happy it does!
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It will be good, but sometimes I am broken. As i was walking around town this evening, getting some air before locking myself in my room to do the homework I have been putting off, I started to think. Why is it that good intentions are always misunderstood, that wanting to help and be a good friend is always thought of as wanting something in return, wanting to be mor e than friends, or something else? I’ve seen this a lot recently. Sometimes, all I want to do is be nice, help out, be there for my friends, and nothing more than have a nice friendship.
I’ve found that lately, I am bothered because I give my heart to so many, put my heart into so many frienships because I truly care about people, and they don’t get it. I would do almost anything for anyone I consider my friend. I put my heart into it, I want people to be happy, I want to help. But, I think that’s my fault for caring too much, for putting too much of me into it, for trying to be a nice person. Is it so hard to ask how someone’s day is, to call someone back, to be a friend? Dont’ worry, I’m not talking about anyone in particular, I’m just thinking about events I’ve had in my life, feelings I have, things I’ve seen. I think it’s society, going back to “When Harry Met Sally” and the famous line: men and women can’t just be friends. Maybe we can? I think it’s possible, I really do. Who knows, i guess I’ll just have to go on testing my theory!

Birthright,

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Alright, so I’m blogging instead of doing homework, but I think this is productive too. It seems like it is well into the second tourist season of the year here in Jerusalem. I am longing for the quiet days, but thrilled to see so many people taking over Ben Yehuda, the stores, the eateries, the cabs! I hear English all over the place, stores have great sales, and you never know who you know that will pop up around the next corner. But, I was walking home tonight, thinkinga buot Birthright, and the land of Israel. It seems that a hot topic of discussion lately is Judaism in Israel. Many of the speakers who have come to my school to talk with us about Israel and religion within the state have emphasized the fact that Israel is a Jewish state. that Jews can live freely here, more freely than they can anywhere else in the world. They talk about how the shabbat environment here is unbeatable, kosher food is all around, etc. But, I’m still wondering if this is really true. And, what is my birthright. Is by birthright to the land of Israel? is it to religious freedom in that land? Is it the tradition and law I live my life by?
I dont want to talk about politics, the land, etc. I want to talk about my “birthright” and the State of Israel. I want to talk about the contradictions in the “Jewish State.” It seems more and more that although the state is Jewish, it is a place where only certain types of Jews are welcome. Where, the speakers, former supreme court justice’s, politicians, rabbis, come and talk to us about how Israel welcomes all Jews, but in reality, my Judaism isn’t recognized here. I have actually found that it is easier to be the Jew that I am, to be Jewish and live my Jewish life outside of Israel. Kosher food all the time is nice, but when I am ostracized for showing my hair, or told what i believe in isn’t Judaism, told I can’t perform a marriage here, or someone who converts into my movement will not be considered a Jew; I am sad, upset, and angry. Israel may be a Jewish state, but lately, i’ve found that it is a long way from being a Jewish State who accepts every Jew for who they are, for their Birthright.

New Year, New Me?

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I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the “New Year,” especially living in Israel for the year, where, well, this isn’t exactly the begining of a new year, in fact, it’s not the middle of the year either. Right now, I’m just experiencing another day in my life. My official New Year as a Jew is at Rosh HaShanah, already 4 months ago. And I could just see tonight and tomorrow as just another day. While Israel is a Jewish State, I have enjoyed living a Jewish year cycle. There was no hype or excessive music, shopping, etc. over christmas, halloween or Thanksgiving. And, I have to say, I am enjoying it. My life is much less focused on commercial holidays, and I feel more focused on what is important to me, figuring out who I am!
And, so, I got to thinking. What does this New Year mean to me? I often think about how lucky I am to be in a world where I have more than one new year. My birthday is a new year, Rosh HaShanah is a new year, January first begins a new secular year, and I could go on. What I really focus on is a new start, a refresher, a new me. Having so many new beginnings, I am able to focus on little steps, and check in with myself along the way at each new begining.
So, what am I hoping for, wishing for, resolving for this new year? I think, I hope this year, to listen to my heart, and to find out who I am. I need to take some time for me, to figure out what i want, and do what is right for me. I need to take care of my heart, and nurture my soul. This year, I want to be in power of my life, make the changes I want to make. This year, I hope and pray for health and happiness for my family, my friends and all who are in my heart. This year, I hope for continued growth and learning for myself. This year, i want to be me!