Author: Eve Posen

When I Was Younger

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It’s times like the holidays when I wish I was younger. I miss the carefree days where Hanukkah was about the miracle of the oil and the Maccabees weren’t such a historical entity, but a childhood story. I miss the family Hanukkah parties where my cousins and I all got together, when we went shopping for gifts with my grammy and zaide, the latkes my nana made that were lacy and crispy on the outside. I miss the dreidle game my dad made, and the grab bag Hanukkah party with the cousin’s club. I miss the past, I am clinging to my memories, trying to make them as vivid as I can, trying to make them real. What I wouldn’t give for another taste of those latkes, another family gathering.

I am mourning the past, I am mourning my childhood. The innocence and simplicity that was, is no more. Everyday, I face these memories that haunt and enlighten me. I miss them, I miss my family.

So Much to Do, So little time

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IN the last few weeks I have been touched with a bit of writers block when it comes to my obligatory school work, and a insurgence of creativity in my aspirations for the future and my programmatic ideas. And now, as finals are approaching, I have no creativity to writ emy papers and an overwhelming sense that I am stuck, with not quite the resources to move forward in my aspirations for the Jewish world, and at the same time, so energetic I want to go run right now and start making a difference.
I want to creat etwo video games, write a book, change the face of Jewish education, educate on grief, create programs that bring people into Judaism and excite them about all the possibilities that the future holds for us. I want to ignite the flame in someone else, and have that flame pass from person to person and burn as a torch for Judaism. And, SOOOO MUCH MORE. I want to create a family haggadah that will enable my family to move forward out of theses months of tragedy and into a new phase, of life, tradition and change. I want to strengthen my father’s memory in my life, and make him proud. I want to make myself proud, I want to grow, I want to live, I want to laugh, I want to love.
I have all of these wants, wishes, dreams, and then all of this school work that will help foster me to get there and at the same time feels like it is holding me back from getting on with my work in the world. The daily dilemmas of my life these days… of to write another paper!

Death is about the living

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Yesterday morning a close friend and classmate passed away after a year long battle with Lukemia. He fought valliantly, but no amount of effort or modern medicine can outsmart God. He leaves behind three small children and a wonderful life.
All of this comes close to the 3 month anniversary of my own father’s death. His death after 7 years of fighting various illnesses and in the end losing his battle in a similar way to my friend. Both of them died of septic shock, both of them had too many illnesses and challenges to overcome. Both of them fought as hard as they could, and lost.
So, what is this all about? this is about me struggling the last 3 months to matter in a community who nearly turned their back on me when I needed them the most. I know there are differences, my friend was an actual member of the “community”, my father never was a part of the community. BUT, I AM, and I needed support and never received it.
Last night, someone asked me what do we do now? I responded, take care of the living. LIFE, CHOOSE LIFE the torah commands us… SO, CHOOSE THE LIVING, SUPPORT THEM, LOVE THEM, TALK TO THEM. Death is the end of one life, but without support, those who are left behind can’t go on, can’t live and honor the person who has passed.
Maybe now, instead of ignoring me, people will talk to me, support me? Support the living, support those of us who can be helped, support the future. TALK, ASK IN A MONTH, A FEW MONTHS, HOW ARE YOU? DON’T STOP!

the NON-KADDISH MINYAN

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There is a phenomenon known as the Kaddish Minyan, the space, where a majority of those who make up the minyan, the community are mourners or recent mourners. There is a sense of shared experience, shared pain, a sense of belonging and welcoming. In a Kaddish Minyan, the mourner, the Kaddish sayer is not alone, they are supported, uplifted by the community, they know others have been there, and understand the importance of the experience.

I go to the Non-Kaddish Minyan. I go to a minyan for people who go for themselves, to pray for themselves, to fulfill an obligation to a greater power. I go to a place where I am the only voice when I say Kaddish, Me, and me alone. Sometimes, the community is so lost in their own place, that they don’t respond to the kaddish. What’s the point of saying Kaddish in a minyan if that minyan doesn’t respond, neither to the words of the Kaddish prayer, nor to the needs of the mourner. In the Non-Kaddish Minyan, no one shares my experience, no one is willing to reach out, acknowledge the toughness of my days. Not to be “ME” centered, but very few people in this minyan are there for me.

My Non-Kaddish Minyan is in a space that is convenient for me, in a place I frequent daily. Perhaps a minyan of convenience isn’t the minyan for a Kaddish Sayer who wants support. This minyan espouses the values of community, but rarely acts on it to support one another through a challenging time. Given a celebration, that’s another story. In this minyan, the focus is on the davening, the praying, doing it right, getting it done, checking it off the mitzvah list, not on supporting one another, helping one another, growing together. What is so hard about this is that in this espoused community, we are growing the future community leaders. Leaders who can’t find 10 minutes on a Sunday evening to support a fellow member of their community. Leaders who are into their davening, but not into their hearts. Leaders who create a “community” of emptiness, of cliques, of alliances, of levels of importance for people. Not, leaders who create a space to help each other mourn and grow, who help one another to become stronger, out of the tragedy and into a triumph.

This is the Non-Kaddish Minyan. Perhaps I’ll say Kaddish alone, in a space where I can live with myself, support myself, grow with myself, and feel included, instead of in the space where I am on the outside, shunned, that girl whose father died… that girl who wanted to teach people.

Perkei Avot reminds us not to separate ourselves from the community, but I wonder, what happens when the community separates themselves from you? What happens when you try to be apart of the community that doesn’t want you, that doesn’t support you, that doesn’t create a space you want to be in, or can be in?

Separate not thyself from the community? This is only possible in a community that recognizes itself as a place to be and grow- this is not the Non-Kaddish Minyan.

D’var Torah: Pico Egal Parshat Vayera

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Do you ever feel alone?Traveling on a journey with no guide?Going into the unknown?Or, do you sometimes feel like someone is watching you?Silently guiding you?Do you feel like you’re being followed?If Abraham were to take the MMPI, that wonderful personality inventory, his answers might be troublesome for the program he was applying to.These are questions Abraham might have grappled with in our Parshah.In parshat Vayera, God’s presence is known, only when God calls out, and acts from behind the curtain.Abraham journeys, with a silent partner, God, lurking in the bushes, calling out from the sky, silently guiding the journey.

Our parshah has many different images of God accompanying Abraham, Sarah, and Hagar.It begins with Abraham and Sarah minding their business in the desert as Abraham heals from his recent circumcision, and all of the sudden these three messengers from God appear, are welcomed in and invade their space.Next, we come upon the events of Sodom and Amora, God puts Abraham to work again, but the task is not easy, and the righteous people are nowhere to be found.

Abraham must have known he was special before this, All this God calling out to him, special directions, fathering a child at an incredibly old age, and yet, there is no mention of his acknowledgement of this.Abraham continues on after the failed attempt at saving Sodom and Amora and moves onto his encounters with Avimelech.Abraham and Avimelech make an oath, who points out to Abraham that God is with him in all that he does.A powerful message evidenced by the encounters with God of Sarah, Hagar, and Abraham.

Once again, Abraham moves on with his life, as God Calls out to him to take his son, his only son, the son that he loves, Isaac and sacrifice him. Abraham exhibits an incredible amount of faith and takes Isaac with him to Mount Moriah. And then, as he is about to commit the aultimate act of trust in God, God calls out to him once more, and this time, Abraham answers HINENI, HERE I AM, I AM HERE, READY, I BELIEVE.

God calls out, and Abraham answers, ready to serve, ready to follow his leader. Abraham is not alone, on every task, God accompanies Abraham, a silent partner, until the time is right to intervene.

“You are not alone, I am here with you” Michael Jackson may have made these lyrics popular, but parshat vayera, our portion, this week teaches us more about this concept and God than any Michael Jackson song ever could. When we are alone, or feeling alone, perhaps we need to take the time to look for the HINEINI moments in our lives. Perhaps God Is calling out to us, we just can’t quite hear it. Perhaps, we must engage in this dialogue, and take a second to recognize as Avimelech did: God is with you in all that you do!

As we enter into Shabbat, Vayera, may we be blessed with the strength and ability to see those things we are too busy to see during the week, to hear those subtle voices of a silent traveling companion, and to stand up with courage and say HINENI, HERE I AM, ready to do my part in the world. May we never feel alone, and recognize that God is here with us.

SHABBAT SHALOM!