Rabbi Eve Posen

Flashback: His face, smiling, Flashback: his hospital room, Flashback: calming him, Flashback: Dr-“he’s dying,” Flashback: the tubes are gone, Flashback: maybe he’ll wake up?, Flashback: hard, heavy, labored breathing, Flashback: 6:50am, her voice, “HE’S GONE,” she screams.
Flashback: his peaceful body, drapped in his talit, his look serene, his body-at peace, but his soul is gone. Flashback: his funeral, tears of despair, pain, grief. Flashback: Silence, no words, nothing can be said, nothing can comfort. Flashback: a flood of childhood memories. His voice resonates in my head, “sweetheart, I love you,” “Motek Sheli, My beautiful redhead, I miss you,” He says over and over again. “I miss you too, Daddy, I love you too!”

Only now, these are flashbacks, images and sounds that flood my mind, cloud my thinking, disable me momentarily from participating in the world. Flashbacks that hit me when i least expect them. Flashbacks that haunt my dreams. How do I move beyond these flashbacks, these moments that hurt so bad? How do I move forward, to a place where the memories are strong, pleasant, helpful? Flashbacks, of a time of so many emotions, so much healing ot be done, so much grieving, so many emotions trapped inside, trapped in my heart, in my head, afraid to come out, suppressed. Flashbacks that reveal so much of who I am and mark so many moments in time. Flashbacks, that are so real, so vivid, so promient that I feel them, feel what i fel tthen, see what iw as wearing, see who was thee, feel the feelings, smell the room, see his face. Flashbacks that feel more real than life itself; flashbacks that are my reality.

I want to remember, I want to smile, laugh, feel his warmth in my life. I want to forget the pain and feel the love. I want him back, but I know that will never happen. But, when do I get to feel his presence, feel like he is with me, when do I stop feeling alone and abandoned and start feeling his presence again, watching me, guiding me?

It’s like a bad detox, flashbacks, chills, nightmares, when have I passed the point of pain, of struggle, of withdrawl, when do I begin to heal?