Month: September 2006

Ma Tovu, Ma Gadlue, Ma Yafeh: How good, How great, how beautiful

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Is your love, your world, your being. How beatuiful and good is this life. Is this city. How amazing are the gifts of the experience I have. How wonderful is it to be alive, to suck in the sweet smells of Jerualem, the shuk, life. How grand to bathe in the warmth of the sun, to take in the clear blue sky. What a gift is the world of God’s creation, and the gift of my life. How beautiful is it to breathe, to feel, to love, to enjoy the world around me.
My mind is clouded with thoughts, concerns, wonders and I am still struck with the beauty of the world around me. Each day, a new adventure, a new feeling, a new fear. Each day i question myself, question what I am doing, who I am, what I am feeling – and i believe this is the best thing for me. As scary as it is, i know it is all a apart of the growing experience, and i know I will b ebetter for it in the end.
SOmetimes I wish life would figure itself out, that everything would be in its place, that i would be happy, sound, comfortable. But i know that is not where I am right now. I am happy, I am content, but i’m talking about that eternal place of happiness. I know i need to push through the rough stuff, push through and find the next stop on my journey, on my roller coaster thru life. I know that when it is right, I will be there.
There are some days when I feel alone, I feel like I am doing this adventure on my own. Yes, i have the support of my family, of my friends, of my family of friends, but I can’t help feeling alone, lost in the world around me, trying to find my place, the place I belong, find love, find that true companion. And I am playing the watiting game. I am happy where I am, i am content, I am in love, with this land, with my family, with my friends, but there will always be that little part of me (or maybe big part of my heat) that is craving the companionship and relationship of true love. perhaps, I will find this in Jerusalem, perhaps this is the waititng game… only time will time.
And then, i drift back to the prayers, how good, how great, how beautiful is this world, this life, this love, and I feel at peace. There are days where the questions: what is love? What is the love I am looking for? Why is this city so romantic, beatufil full and yet so lonely and scary at the same time? When will i find personal peace in Jeurslaem? When will Jerusalem find peace? When will it all make sense?- they could my mind, they take over my being , and they push me to move on, to continue on the journey, to search for the answer, or at least the beginning of the journey to that place.
There are days when i miss the comforts of home, miss the stability of last year, days when i miss home, miss the simplicity of college, and then there are days when I know that it is because of this experience that I have grwon into who I am today, and I am so much better for it. How great is the God’s love of us, and my love of God. How Grand is the world of God’s creation. How beautiful is the life that we are living, and the gifts that it brings. And when it comes down to it, this is all I need!

Bareka’s with the Ben Yehuda’s and I live in Israel

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Shavua Tov L’kulam, And what a week it promises to be! I have many mixed feelings as we enter into Yom Kippur, the day of atonement. Surprisingly, i have found myself struggling ot find the kavanah, the intetion that i crave for this tiem fo year. It seemed as though i had my best Kavanah last year when i davened with the Neshama Minyan, and have yet to find the same attachment and connection to the davening. This surprises me as i am in one of my most favorite cities, I am in the “holy Land”, the land of my ancestors, the land of Israel. Afterall, I am but a 40 minute walk from the “temple” from the place where the ulitmate sacrifie took place. My first mishnah i learned in Rabbincia l School, Yoma 7 talks about the actions of the kohen HaGadol, the high priest on the days preceding Yom Kippur, and now, I have the visual to actually go to that place, envision it happening, yet there is no Kavanah, i don’t feel different. Perhaps, I am not meant to feel different this year, or perhaps, I am trying too hard, either way, there is nothing there.
I do, however, feel as though I am beginning to make a home here in Jerusalem. As i was walking to shul last night, davening at Yakar, finidng my kavanah and my spirit, i realized that I am in Israel, that i made it, that I am home. I davened in the palce the I used to go to when I was in high school, and my, how I have changed. I have grown, i have become a woman, and I have become more confident in myself. It was strange to be back in a place with so many memroeis, and yet, feel as though I am a compeltely different person. I remember going with my friends, feeling like a rebel wearing a skirt that didn’t cover my knees, proving that I am a woman who can do what she wants. Now, i realize that it is not dependant on my clothing, but rather my attitude. I know myself that I am capable, and it doesn’t matter if any man or organziation doesn’t think so. I know I can do it. As i heard the shabbat siren last night, I was drawn into the awareness that it is Shabbat, that I am in a place that values that day of rest, and I am in a place where I am able to equally value the importance of the day. The entire city rests on Shabbat, there are no cars honking outside my window, rather there is an energy of excitement and relation around me. I feel comforted, i feel at home, i feel at peace.
As i walekd to shul this morning, i realized that I live in Israel. There are some days where i am around so many American’s that it is hard to remember that I am in Israel, and then there are days like Shabbat where it is very clear that I am in Israel, that I am in a place that values Judaism, Jewish values, Jewish living. I walked to Shul, surrounded by so many people who were doing what I am doing, and it was a wonderful feeling!! And then, there are the Ben Yehuda’s. That’s right, the family of Eliezer Ben Yehuda, the man who recreated the hebrew language attends the Masorti Shul I daven at. I lean Musaf today, and while i did a fantastic job for myself, and I am growing as a davener, I was also so excited by the fact that this family was there… I know, I’m strange!
And on that note, there is more reflecting to be done before the night is over. Look for a new reflection or two in the next few days, and keep commenting!! SMILES TO ALL!!

1 MONTH

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I arrived in Israel 4 weeks ago, i have spent 4 weeks here, living on my own, exploring (in a way) my new surroundings and myself. I can’t beleive it has already been a month, and at the same time, it’s only been a month. I embarked on this journey terrified and excited about what lay ahead, and I am now, a monht into it, excited, nervous and energized by the thrill of the journey. I made it here, i survived on my own, I am doing it. A month ago, when I arrived in Israel, i had no idea what to expect, where i would meet people, what i woudl do until school started. And much to my surprise, i found a wonderful new community, some truly incredible people who have become my family. I am amazed at how close people can become after such a short period of time. My firend Jean has been sick lately, so i have spent a lot of time taking care of her, and my other new friends matt and Jenn have been life savers in making sure I’m well fed, and having fun. Life is good here in Israel!
This week has been one of self exploration, i have ventured into my soul and tired to open my eyes to what i want to offer the world, and what i want to take from the world this year. More reflections on that will come when Shabbat is not as near!
In the meantime, I have had a few visitors in the apartment. Starting last week with two high school girls who needed aplace to stay for the chaggim and now, my friend and ex-chevruta Josh, is staying with me until he finds a place to live for the year. It is really nice to have someone else in the apartment with me after a month alone. Josh has moved to Israel for the next two years to study at the Hartman Institute. As sad as I am that he is not going to be my chevruta anymore, i am very happy that i will have time to have fun with him in Jerusalem. Last night we went to a bar and met some friends. and aside from having ot give up m free reign of the apartmetn and the bathroom, it’s working out alright! Now, i’m really excited for Aviva, my roommate to arrive in just a few short weeks. And with that, there is more to come, but i must go get ready for Shabbat, and atone for all my sins in my last few days before Yom Kippur. I promise to try to write more before Yom Kippur on Sunday night!
Shabbat Shalom, G’mar chatima Tova, and lots of love from the holy land!

I FEEL LIKE I AM TALKING TO A BRICK WALL

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Yes, that’s right, today, I made my first visit to the Kotel since my arrival in Jerusalem nearly a month ago. And, I must say, it was well worth it. Aside from the obvious frustrations about the inadequate space given to women at the wall, the experience was as memorable as ever. I realized today, that the last time I was at the kotel, I was merely beginning my journey toward the rabbinate. While, I suppose I have been on this journey for a while, today was the first time i had been to the Kotel since I consciously began this journey in the winter of 2004. As I approached the Old City, and specifically the Rova, I was flooded with emotions. I felt in the right place, and also so foreign. While the kotel is a meaningful place for me, the politics and religious fervor that surround the area are not my cup of tea. For me, the experience is one of intense emotions, of connection to my family, my ancestors, the story of my life. I think back to the first time iw as at the Kotel nearly 9 years ago, and i think about how different I am now, how much more of an individual I am, how much happier I am, how much more mature and grown up I am. I feel as though each visit to the kotel is another tick mark on my accomplishments and growth as a human being.
The Kotel, the place of the Temple, the place where seven days before Yom Kippur the Kohen Gadol was taken into the sacred space and prepared fro the most holy day of the year. The Kotel where my graandparents tood when they visited Israel, the Kotel, where i sat with my Parents and talked about life. The Kotel, where I knew i would be a rabbi one day… this wall, this brick wall, who has held my tears, my notes, my love for God, has become a wall that supports me, as it supported the temple. And so, another leg of my journey begins, here I stand, at the Kotel, the wall, begining my new journey, a new phase in my life, and suddenly, it all seemed clear for one split second, and then I spun back into the chaos, politics and frantic pace of life in Eretz Yisrael, my life… moving in and out from a brick wall.

The Chicken Died for MY SINS

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Why did the chicken cross the shuk? TO AVOID KAPAROT!! Yesterday, I had the unique opportunity to attend a ceremony and partake of the ceremony at the shuk that is part of the tradition to rid us of our sins during the 10 days of repentance. During this ceremony, one takes a live chicken, swings it over one’s head while saying a series of formulas and prayers. At the end, the chicken is then slaugthered and in this case, given as food to the poor. This was my first time taking part and even witnessing the ancient tradition, and i have to say it was quite amazing. It was wonderful to be able to take part in a tradition that my ancestors had done for so many years, but it was also amazing to have a more physical act of ridding myself of sin than tashlich. I can’t say that it is an experience that I would repeat, as there are definite animal cruelty issues, although it did look painless, but I am glad that I went. This is all a part of my plan to have as many unique and interesting experiences as possible during my time in the holy land. And so, I start the year, sin free… well, at least symbolically!