Oh, We’re Halfway There, OOOOH, Living on a Prayer

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This summer, I spent a good amoutn of time grappling with Prayer, and how to pray extemporaneously. I struggled with this in the hospital, how could i reach patients if the only prayer I know is a set liturgy. And now, after moving away from the ability to open my heart each day with a personal, extemporaneous prayer, I reflect back on it? How can i mix the two together? How can they connect?

Prayer, what is prayer? What is it that I pray for everday? What are the prayers of my heart? The prayers that I desire to have fulfilled, to fullfill myself? What does my heart desire?

The liturgy speaks to me, opens my mind. I pray for Israel, I pray for peace, safety, knoweldge. I pray for the strength to make it through the day. I pray for health for my family, my friends, for those that I love. I pray for love, that one day, I willf ind it. That my love of Torah and Judaism will continue to be strong, to grow, to open my eyes to the world, to teach me and guide me. I pray that when it is Besheret, I will find my Besheret.

But, I always wonder, are these the prayers of my heart, or of my head? Are they what I truly want, what I truly need, or are they what I think I need? And, how will I know the difference? Does God know the difference? Does anyone know the difference?

How do I open myself to God, how do I reveal m inner most thoughts and feelings? How can I find the words to express myself, to open myself up to the world outside? How do I reach inside and find myself, find my true self, the inner me?

I wake up every morning and thank God for the fact that I woke up today. I am so thankful for the sun that shines on my face, for the warmth and beauty of the earth. I go to minyan and I pray- the prayers of my father, my grandfather, my ancestors. I pray the words they prayed. Somedays, I feel their presence, their wrods bring meanign to me. Other days, I feel empty, nothing to add, nothing to say. Some days, the connection is magnetic, I am drawn in, attracted and I can’t let go. Other days, I am like 2 magnets of the same charge, repeling, pushed away. Nothing grabs me, nothing holds me in. And then, what do I do? How can I connect? When my heart yearns for so much, how can I find myself?

Perhaps it is when I let go of the structure, when I let go of my fears that I am able to open up, that I am able to share all of my dreams, wants, wishes. When i sto trying and start believing. When I open my heart wholly to the world- maybe then I’ll know what I truly desire, what I need, where I belong.

May it be your will, great, compassionate loving God, that you continue to strenghten me on my journey. Help me to find my place, my center. Help tto strengthen those who support me, for without my supporters, I may not stand somedays. Bless me with health and happiness and bring both to my family and friends. Help me to know that I can do anything I put my mind to, but help me to also know my limits. Wrap me in your loving embrace and spread over me and those I love your shelter of peace. Help me to find personal peace- of mind, spirit and of HEART. I thank you for the gift of my life, and the gift of my family and friends. Thank you for the small miracles that work their way into my life- both those I recognize and those I fail to see. Open my eyes to see the small blessings of life. Thank you for the warmth of the sun, the beatuy of the land around me. Please God, hear my prayers, open yourself to me as I open my heart to you!

Familiar Faces, Familiar Places

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Recently, I have been blessed to have a slew of visitors. Familiar faces have come to me so very far away, taken me for a meal, given me a hug, relayed news from home, been tehre for me and so much more. It is very hard to be away from home, from the comforts of everything I know and to be in a society that is so complex, changing every day. Just a week ago I reached the 3 months in Israel mark, and I have mixed feelings. While I have done well, survived the changes, adjusted to the new life here, I have also begun to miss home. Normally, I’d be going home in the next few weeks from school and spending time with family, but this is not hte case this year. Instead, I am getting ready to pack a bag, get on a jet place and explore yet another unfamiliar place, Greece.
And so this all has me thinking about familiarity. I know that while the faces might be familiar, they will soon be different. Being away for so long, i know people iwll change, relationships change. Old relationships that seemed familiar become unfamiliar, and new faces become the familiar ones. So, what makes something or someone familiar? I dont’ know. I do know that I miss the familiar things in my life today. I miss the familiar faces, the comforts of home and the familiarity of Los Angeles and Detroit. But at the same time, Israel is becoming familia,r and one day, the lines will blur…
I’m tired, time for bed! LOVE!

The Times, They are a Changin’

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I woke up this morning in a very differnt world than I am going to sleep in, and yet, it is still very much the same. You see, today, a decision was made that will have a great impact on my life, I am just not sure yet. Today a decision or, many decisions were made that will need to be digested by me, by my movement, and the larger implications of this are not entirely known. What I do know is that I am proud to be a part of a movement that upholds the Halachic process, that values human dignity, inclusion and moral imperatives. I also recognize the fact that there is much work to be done in order to continue this growth. But hey, one foot in front of the other seems to work for me. I am interested to see what happens in the coming days, weeks, months and years, but proud to be where I am, proud to be studying to become a Rabbi. Tradition and Change are valued, held with the utmost respect, and guide my life.
I think I have a lot more thinking to do on this, but I got to sleep tonight knowing that while the world may be changing, and the next few weeks/months might be trying, I am happy with where I am, and that’s what matters in the end!

I am Alive

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Don’t worry, although I may not have been updating as regularly as I would have liked, I am very much alive and well! I am just extremely busy with midterms and projets and presentations, and school and life and my GREECE trip in a week. There is much to write about, but I seem to have writers block, so, just know I am alive, and we’ll talk soon!!

Achen Yesh Adonai B’Makom HaZeh V’Anochi Lo Dadati?!?!

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Surely God is in this place and I, I did not know it!! What a powerful verse. This verse is in our parshat HaShavua, and it is one of my favorites. It is written on the Aron at my shul in the States, and hs always stood out in my mind. After all, when I was a child I was taught that God is everywhere, so how could I not already know that God is there?!?! For me, the verse is talking about God MOments. Those moments in time where we realize that God is around us, surrounding us, suppoting us. God is everywhere, it is up to us, the individual, me to find God.

I was sitting in services this morning and it just struck me, God is in this place, and I knew it, I know it. I just choose sometimes not to see it, or sometimes, I have trouble seeing it. I think since I have been in Israel I have had more God moments, moments of awe, of love, of presence than ever before. I think it is my responsibility to recognize God in my life. So, Yes, GOD IS IN THIS PLACE, But I DO KNOW IT, I just need to take the time to recognize it a little bit more often!!