At First Sight – Parshat Chayei Sarah 5776

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At First Sight

You hear that parenting changes your life completely, but obviously it’s a different feeling for every parent.  Over two years ago as Duncan and I prepared to welcome Shiri into our lives, we knew we were about to experience something intensely emotional, like nothing we’d ever experienced before.  At the same time we weren’t sure how that would manifest itself, and what it would actually feel like to become parents.  There was a certain expectation of an instant bond, an immediate love-beyond-anything connection. For me, having carried Shiri, that feeling was represented by awe, amazement, and gratefulness to God for this beautiful miracle that my body produced.  On the other hand, Duncan likes to take everything in and process it on his time, which for him has meant a love that has grown exponentially ever since that first day.  The more he got to know her, the more he loved her.

The notion that the more you know someone the uglier or prettier they can become is a very real phenomenon. Scientific research based on concepts like “propinquity,” which refers to the nearness of people to each other, suggests a person can become more or less attractive to you based on how much and how long you interact with them.

Our Torah portion this week, parshat Chayei Sarah, illustrates this.  In this part of the narrative, we read about Abraham and Sarah and their journey raising their son Isaac to the huppah and a life of good deeds.  Our reading begins with the death of Sarah, and Abraham looking for a proper place to lay her body to rest.  Immediately after the burial of his own life partner, Abraham sets out to find a mate for his son, hoping to ensure that he has comfort and support as he mourns his mother.  The text shares the story of Isaac and Rebekah meeting, marrying, and falling in love, and it ends with the death of Abraham. Within this section of text is also the building of a family for Rebekah and Isaac.  

The text is clear in chapter 24, verse 67: “Isaac then brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah, and he took Rebekah as his wife.  Isaac loved her, and thus found comfort after his mother’s death.”  In other words, Isaac comes to love Rebekah after he marries her.  Their love is the result, not the prerequisite, of their relationship.  

The Torah reminds us that relationships take time to blossom, and we are urged to take time to know one another, to truly engage face to face with those around us because that’s how meaningful connections grow.

The instantaneous attachment when parent meets child may be real, but it’s shallow and fleeting. Of course I love Shiri because she’s my daughter, but also because I’ve grown to love her as the bright, independent, beautiful spirit she’s becoming. And that’s a love that only gets bigger.

Leading By Example – Parshat Vayera 5776

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Leading by Example

As a parent I am often reminded that there are always little eyes and ears watching and listening to my every move.  Shiri wants to do everything we do, from my marching in place when I’m trying to get in a few extra steps for the day on my Fitbit, to eating the foods she sees us eating, to the way in which she models me on my phone. (Any object she picks up she holds to her ear and yells “Hi!”)  She is a sponge looking to me for what her next move should be.  As human beings we look to others as role models when we’re learning new skills.  We learn how to react by watching others, and we learn the appropriate behavior for a variety of situations by imitation.  This comes as a powerful mandate for the modeler.

The Torah is also filled with instances in which imitation is the mode of transmission for behavior and expectations.  In last week’s parshah, Lech Lecha, Abraham leads by example when he circumcises himself as part of a covenant with God.  Being a moral exemplar is a paramount role in the Torah.

This week we read parshat Vayera, in which Abraham and Sarah contemplate the son that will be born to them in their old age; Sodom and Gomorrah fall as Abraham bargains with God to save Lot’s life; and Isaac is born, causing a rift in Abraham’s house with Ishmael.  Abraham moves forward in making a deal with King Avimelech, and we end with the Akeidah, the test of Abraham as God instructs him to offer up his son, Isaac.

God asks much of Abraham in order to save his family and be a loyal adherent to God’s ways.  Throughout the narrative we see Abraham’s moral compass developing over time. As Abraham is called to take care of issues in Sodom and Gomorrah, he faces a moral dilemma when God’s solution is destruction.  Abraham asks, “Shall not the judge of all the earth deal justly?”  God has challenged Abraham, and now Abraham challenges God right back with the notion that even God is subject to the moral standards decreed for human beings.  That is to say, if God is going to command moral behavior, God must exemplify that behavior.

The flawed sentiment “Do as I say, not as I do” has no place in Judaism.  The idea that parents, teachers, and rabbis can expect one thing and model something else is utter nonsense.  Will my daughter embrace the beauty of Shabbat as an adult simply because I told her how important it was to me?  No.  The perpetuation of the traditions we hold dear will rely on us showing, not merely telling.

This Shabbat, and at every opportunity, let us look to Abraham’s definition of practicing what we preach.  Let us lead by example.

Enough Is Enough – Parshat Lech Lecha 5776

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Enough is Enough

I remember when I learned that the Hebrew word for “enough” was “dy.” I was just a little kid in Hebrew class, and when you’re young, it’s a little jarring when your teacher says, “Die, die!” As I learned, she didn’t actually wish me ill, although if you knew me as a child, perhaps the sentiment was fairly close.

You might know this word from the Passover seder, when we sing “Dy-dyainu,” about what would have been enough for God to do for the Israelites. There is something somewhat poetic about a word that in English means the end of a life and in Hebrew means an adequate quantity of something. Of course we all want to feel at the end of our lives that we’ve lived enough, to look back on a full, complete life.

This week we read parshat Lech Lecha, which is often noted as the true beginning of the Israelite nation as we know it in the rest of the Torah. In this text we are introduced officially to Abraham and Sarah. We learn of their marriage and their problems trying to conceive. More than that, we see Abraham lead his family into new territory (religiously and physically) and struggle with what it means to be an outsider. At the very core of this section of text is the narrative of God and Abraham coming to an agreement and bonding with each other for the future. This is the moment that marks the establishment of ritual and tradition that has evolved to become the Judaism of today.

In chapter 17 of Genesis we read, “When Abram was ninety-nine years old, the Lord appeared to Abram and said to him, ‘I am El Shaddai. Walk in my ways and be blameless. I will establish My covenant between Me and you, and I will make you exceedingly numerous.’” This is God’s call to Abraham (then Abram) to step up and take on the leadership of an entire nation.

Unique to this single passage is the name God uses here; “El Shaddai” isn’t a clear name for God. A midrash teaches that this is the phrase “El sh’dai,” which can be translated as “the God who says enough.” One possible interpretation is that God has had enough of people acting without righteousness, without responsibility. God turns to Abraham and says, “Enough of this!” and demands righteous behavior of them. Abraham accepts this decree, affirming the covenant with his circumcision, and he steps up to teach humanity what a God-ordained life can mean.

The Torah reminds us this week that exclaiming “Dy!” (Enough!) isn’t just about ending a negative action or a frustrating situation. It also signals the start of a positive one. History is filled with “enough” moments, from Moshe to Rosa Parks, from Hannah Szenes to Harvey Milk. A call for “enough” can mean standing up for what needs to change or taking control of a situation to make that change happen. May we have the courage to be able to say “enough” and the awareness to be able to know when.