Author: Eve Posen

My First, My Last, My Everything

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It is the time of year where people are beginning to leave, things are beginning to change. Within the next month, my year in Israel will end and I will return to Detroit for a brief stint before moving to Chicago for my summer job and then back to LA for school. In this time, many of the people who became my family this year will begin to go their separate ways. Some I’ll see in a few short months when I return to LA, some I’ll see in a few months when I travel to their wedding, and some, I don’t know when I will see again. It is such a strange feeling. It seems like I just got here yesterday, like I just left Detroit a week ago. Yet, at the same time, it feels like I have been here forever. Perhaps it is the intense environment that I have been living in that allows relationships to grow and build much quicker than in a “normal” setting. Perhaps these feelings come from the incredible ups and downs I have felt this year. Perhaps this feeling comes from this in between place I find myself in.

Here I am counting down the days until I go home, as up until now, I counted the months since I left and the months I have lived here. I am constantly torn. I want to go back to my family, my friends, my community, to the places where I am comfortable. But at the same time, I don’t want to leave this community I have found here. I don’t want to leave this place that I love so much, the holiness and connection I feel in everyday activities. I don’t want to leave the learning, the rich environment, and the struggles. I don’t want to leave the ease of living in a place that is Jewish, with all of the challenges that come with it. I want to see my mom, hug her, and my dad, my sister, my dog. I want to share a Shabbat with my community, with those who helped me to get to where I am. But I don’t want to leave those who helped be become who I am this year.

And I find myself surrounded by lasts. Everyone has started to say “this is my last….” And many are having their “first last……” it is a very strange feeling to think about lasts when I feel like there are so many first still to be had. Just when I thought I had it figured out to some degree, it is all changed again.

Tonight I walked home from shul with my friend Matt, as we had our last walk home from shul together, I got nostalgic. It was very much Matt and his wife Jen who helped build the community I have loved being a part of this year. And I will see them again soon in Los Angeles when we learn together. They are 2 people who I am very lucky to have in my community this year who will continue to be a part of my life. I think I would have been lost without them this year. It is then very fitting that I have a “last” with them, as I also had many firsts with them. My first Shabbat in Israel, the day I arrived I was whisked off to their home for an incredible Shabbat dinner, I had my first nap in a park on Shabbat with them, my first visit to the Kotel on this visit, my first amazing waffle and the waffle bar on Aza with them, my first trip to the mall, and so many more.

It is strange to think that in the next month I’ll have many firsts and many lasts. But, maybe they are not lasts. I hope that they are not lasts. I hope to return to this amazing city, to this land that speaks to me so beautifully and clearly, and have many more experiences. Instead of focusing on the “last…” I think I’ll focus on the “firsts.” Perhaps I’m in denial that I am leaving, or perhaps I don’t want to think about the finality of this year. But, I think it is more than that. I think I am trying to find a way to take this with me. It is not a last, but a new beginning. This year was a first in so many ways… this year was a first, a last and SOOOO MUCH MORE!! And for all of that I am grateful and proud.

Don’t Judge a Book by its Cover!

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As a rabbinical student, and an avid reader, going into a book store of any sort is like entering a playground and not knowing what to play with first. I often have to hold myself back from even entering for fear of sensory overload and exhaustion. But, here in Israel, how can I resist. I often wander into stores, pick up a book that has a beautiful maroon and gold cover and binding, and hold it in my hands. Knowing very well that the pages within it are pages written by those much wiser than me, much more learned. The pages are filled with the wisdom, thought processes and teachings of the rabbis that came before me. Sometimes the book has a beautiful cover, and sometimes it looks very plain. Either way, I pick it up, read a page or two, and put it down.

It is intimidating to pick up these books filled with so much. But, I know I can handle it now. My Hebrew has improved by leaps and bounds this year. My textual skills are honed, my reasoning about as logical and illogical as the Tanaim and Amoraim. I am ready. But still, I find myself so intimidated by these books. I have the keys to unlock their secrets, but am I ready? I think I am ready, I am able, now, I just have to decide which ones to open first.

Last week, as part of my packing and finalizing my year in Israel, I took myself on a book buying adventure. I had done my homework, emailed rabbis and asked what books to buy, what books would be helpful, what books they love. I had made a list of all the books I wanted to buy, in order of importance to me. I made my list and then shopped out the prices, checked them out in the stores, made appointments to check them out again, and eventually purchase. And, on Wednesday I went to the store that offered the best prices and confidently announced that I was ready to make my purchases.

The owner advised me to meet with his seforim specialist, but I, having done my homework politely declined and began to tell him my list of purchases. The first few were no problem, a Mishnah with Bartenura commentary, Otzar Roshei Teivot, Alkaly Hebrew to English, a Tal-man version of the Vilna Shas (full set of Talmud), here is where my problem was. Did I want the big size or the slightly smaller size? Did I want the extra “Boys in the back” (commentators)? Did I want the 36 volume set or the 20 volume set? With this, I was lost. In all my research, all my question asking, no one even brought this up to me. I had no idea what to do. I guess I needed to think more. I met with the specialist, and decided on which set to get. The larger sized, extra “boys in the back” 20 volume set.

And like that, I OWN AN ENTIRE VILNA SHAS!

An overpowering and overwhelming experience to be sure. I couldn’t help but tell everyone I talked to for the rest of the day. I did it, I bought myself a shas. I own it.

When I first began rabbinical school 3 years ago, I was terrified of the Talmud, scared of the Mishnah, overwhelmed by the Aramaic, Hebrew, logic, structures. And now, not only can I figure it out, I have the tools, skills and confidence to wrestle with any text. And so, I feel ready to own the Shas, not only physically, but mentally, emotionally. Now, I have grown, now I have learned. Now, I am getting there.

From the narrow I called, I was answered from the Expanse

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Last Tuesday was the last session of Rav Siach, the interdenominational conversation group I have been a part of this year. Throughout the last year we have met on Tuesday nights and discussed with each other a variety of issues. Mainly though, we got to know one another, networked, discussed and grew as individuals. At the closing session we discussed the notion of calling from a narrow place and receiving the expanse.
Is it necessary to call out from a narrow place, from one’s own narrow place? Does one need the expanse? During this conversation I found myself wondering where I was? Am I in a narrow place? Is this narrow place within my movement? within my social group? is it me alone?
and then, what is the expanse? Is it the movement? Is it my peers? Is it world wide Jewry?
Big heavy questions to be asking myself so late at night. I didn’t come to any conclusions, other than I needed some sleep. What I thought about was the place I call from, and to whom am I calling? I don’t think that there is one answer. Some days, I am in a very narrow space, and the entire world is the expanse. Other days, I am in that narrow space with my colleagues and the Jewish world at large is that expanse. What I thought about is that throughout this incredible experience I have learned how to define myself better. And, It is o.k. to call out to the expanse, because it will answer. Rav Siach, rabbinic conversation, much conversation, we certainly did both with each other.
But, I think the work now is to have that Rabbinic Conversation with myself. I must reflect on this experience, reflect with my colleagues, and continue the conversation. This program was a great start, but if I don’t now call out from my space and receive an answer from the expanse, the conversation has ended. I will miss my Tuesday night conversations, and I will hold dear the uniqueness of our group. There we were in Jerusalem, in a city and a state that has so much inner strife, and we were dealing with the divisive issues, in our own little space, we began the conversation so many have run from, now, we must continue it!

Ein Kerem-I see my reflection..

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Last Friday, as part of my Ta Shma Rav Siach program we went to Ein Kerem, a Christian village on the outskirts of Jerusalem. The town is beautiful, with fantastic architecture, wonderful little houses and shops, and many different churches. Our visit was one that allowed us to see the vast parts of this country and even city that are not fully Jewish. We visited a few different churches, understood a bit of the plight of John the Baptist. We met iwth a Franciscan Father who allowed us to enter into his world.
His view brought me back to earth, his way of life grounded me. Father Furguss owns nothing personally because he will then depend on God for everything. He took a vow of Poverty, not that he will always be in want, but that he will live with the basics. His words shook me, made me realize how much I take so many things for granted. How, I spend so much of my time searching, looking, wanting, yearning, but perhaps is i spent some time reflecting on what I have, what I use, I would see that I have enough.
Father Furguss also said “one can loose faith unless they reflect on what they believe in.” So often I forget to take a step back and reflect on what I believe in, on what is happening in my world, on what I feel. So often I get caught up in the moment, in the future and forget to reflect on the past, on what was, on what made me.
This call out on a Friday brought me back to my roots, made me reflect, find my center, and long for some good quality time in AB West. It is true, without reflection, I would be lost. The lesson learned fit so well with the purpose of Rav Siach. we engaged in conversation with those whose outlook on the world varies widely from our own, yet we found common ground, we opened the discussion, we engaged.

You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone!

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I think this is very true. Not that I have lost something, but that I am realizing how quickly this year has gone by, how soon it will end, how much I have fallen in love with this country despite all the irritants, how sad I will be to leave. Everyone knows I have had points of wanting to leave this year, but I really have loved almost every minute of being here. LIfe here is hard, challenging, frustrating, but it is also beautiful, simple and perfect.
I love that the country shuts down for Shabbat and holidays. I love the kosher food everywhere. I love the coffee shops that are so unique. I love the walk to school, the beautiful blue sky and sun that shine down upon me each morning to wake me up. I love the air, the hustle and bustle, the language, the culture. I even think I’ll miss being pushed in line, being told No, and all the difficulties.
I have found myself a home, and Israel has a home in my heart. Jerusalem is a tough city, but a beautiful city. It is hard to imagine walking around in a few weeks, not surrounded by history, by my heritage, by my history. There is a connection to this land, that I dont’ feel in America. this is my land, this is my place, these streets have so many stories to tell.

This year I have done it on my own, I have survived, I can do it. I made decisions and stuck by them, I took control of my learning, of my life. I have met and made some incredible friends, who will be with me for the rest of my life. I have had some friendships change, some end, but they have taught me what I needed to learn from them, and I have moved on. I have learned about what I value, and how I want to be with those I love. I have learned to be in the world as Eve, and how Eve fits into the world.

But I guess all good things must come to an end. So, from here on out, I will make the best of each day! I will love my studies, but spend time taking in the land, the cities, the culture, the language, the beauty. I will be back, soon, I cannot stay away from a place that speaks to me so fully… So, here I go, booking my ticket back to America, a new person, a changed person…