Author: Eve Posen

Normal?!

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7 Sundays ago, my normal changed. I’m o.k…. but I’m wishing I was normal.
What I wouldn’t give to be normal. But i don’t even know what normal is anymore. I guess I was never normal, but now, I’m a part of this weird club, this group of people who’s normal isn’t what i want to be my normal. Now, i am without a parent, without my daddy, without a father. Now, my normal isn’t the same. Normal used to be waiting by the phone for that call, waiting to here from my mom about my dad, about my grandfather (papa). Normal used to be worrying, saying Misheberach. Normal used to be calling my daddy and discussing the texts I was learning, calling my Papa to hear the pride in his voice and the smile on his face (yes, you could here him smile when he spoke). Normal used to be wishing for the pain to stop, but appreciating the time I had.
And then, within a month, normal isn’t normal. I don’t have to have my cellphone with me 24/7. It’s freeing and terrifying. Normal used to be going home as much as I could because i didn’t know how much time I had left with them, and now, I know.
Now, Normal hurts, normal is being sad, is having flashbacks of those final moments in the hospital, of the days i sat staring at my phone, hoping for good news, and knowing it wouldn’t be. Now, normal is feeling alone, angry, sad, scared. Now, normal is wishing for the moment where i wake up from this terrible, horrible, no good, very bad dream.
Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. Now, normal is gone, and I know what i had. It wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t happy all the time or even fair, but it was normal. All I want is to be NORMAL!

Don’t Speak

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I feel like i am living in a world where I am not allowed to speak, where if I make a wrong move, don’t step too carefully, say the “wrong” thing, I will be despised, kicked out, alienated. Don’t speak, you can’t feel that way. who gets to decide how I feel? since when are feelings wrong? Don’t we each feel in our own ways because we are our own people, with our own minds, bodies, thoughts, sensations?
I am alone in my world, I am without my supporter, my teammate, my friend. I am trapped in a cycle of blame, of sorrow, of hate. I am trapped, nothing I do is right, nothing I do is fair, nothing I do matters. I am alone. Those who I thought cared for me, those who I thought would support me through crisis have turned on me. I spoke my mind, I acted out my feelings, I felt the world, I felt the changes, i feel the pain, I express myself, and it is all wrong.
Why do we have the need to critique other’s feelings? what gives someone the write to tell someone that they are wrong? that they’re words, unrelated to them cause pain? and for what? Wouldn’t we all be better off if we allowed individuals to feel the way they feel, to grieve the way they grieve, and work on ourselves. Wouldn’t we be better off without a holding a grudge? wouldn’t we be better off if we loved one another for our uniqueness, for our distinct experiences of the same things? Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we supported one another, if we tried to help, tried to understand another’s point of view?
Here I am, on the brink of a day when I am supposed to forgive, to ask for forgiveness, but, my heart is too heavy, my words blocked. I can’t act, I can’t move, i can’t connect. each time I try, I am wrong, I am the one at fault, my way isn’t right, my intimate feelings aren’t appropriate. How can I ask for forgiveness from someone who holds so much against me? How can I begin to ask to be forgiven if someone doesn’t see me for who I am, but only what I do, how i react in grief? And so I stand here, frustrated, empty, sad, lost. I stand here without love and support from those closest to me because i am wrong, I feel wrong, I act wrong.
This year has to get better, because it can’t possibly get any worse… ALONE!

30 days

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It’s been 30 days since i have seen you, thirty days since you were here with me. 30 days ago you were in my life, you were my life, you were here. 30 days i have cried, missing you, more each day. 30 days have gone by but everything feels so different, so broken, so chaotic. I still hear your voice in my head, smell your scent of cologne and cigarettes, see your face when i close my eyes. I miss you more than i have ever missed before. I am broken, lost in the world, lost without you. So many times I pick up the phone to call you, only to be greeted by your voicemail, and the realization that you’re not going to return my call. 30 days ago you were warm, breathing, in my arms, 30 days ago I held you, hugged you, kissed you.
So, what do I do? how do I go on? Life feels so different for me, but everyone around me is going on like nothing happened. For them, the world is the same, for me, the world is different, lonely, scary, the world is broken, my heart is broken.
30 days, and it doesn’t feel real, I feel like I am living in a dream, a nightmare, this can’t be reality. Only, I know that it is. 30 days gone by without you, daddy…

THE TEST

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Here is a copy of the D’var Torah i gave for Second Day Rosh HaShannah at my home shul! The actual presentation may have varied from the written text! ENJOY!

Indulge me if you will. Close your eyes. Picture yourself about to face the biggest challenge or test of your life. Are you scared? Nervous? Excited? Are you going to ROCK IT? Are you willing to do ANYTHING to pass? Hold those feelings.

Open your eyes. Here we are, standing on the starting line of a whole new test, a new year, a new challenge. Here we stand as the book of life is open wide, blank spaces waiting to be filled with our deeds. ARE YOU READY? Are you HERE?

Our torah reading for today, known as Akeidat Yitzhak, the binding of Isaac, details Abraham’s big test, his GRE, ACT, SAT, MCAT, take your pick. The portion begins with God putting Abraham to the test. He is told to take his son, his only son, his favored son, Isaac to a mountain and offer him up as a sacrifice. WHOA. This is quite the test. A voice comes from seemingly nowhere and informs Abraham that he is to sacrifice his own son, the one whom he has waited so long for, the one who was given to him as a gift (as we read yesterday).

I don’t know about you, but if this was me, I am not so sure I would be so eager to complete this test. But, Abraham, being the man of faith that he is answers God with a strong “HINEINI, Here I am.” Abraham is up to the task. He sets out with Isaac on the journey to Mount Moriah, and as they approach Isaac and Abraham take leave of their servants and begin father son bonding time as they hike up the mountain.

Now Isaac, being the inquisitive pre-teen that he was, starts to ask some obvious questions. Where is the animal for slaughter? Abraham answers in his own, faithful way, “God will see to the sheep for his burnt offering.” And Isaac accepts this as they continue on their way.

Abraham then prepares Isaac for the sacrifice, and just as he is about to commit the final act, taking the final test, an Angel, or messenger of God stops his hand. God calls out to Abraham and again he answers with “HINENI, HERE I AM!” What a close call. Abraham was about to make the ultimate sacrifice in his life for his faith, his belief in God. Abraham “Passes” God’s test and as a reward, is promised that He will be the father of a great nation, as numerous as the stars of heaven and the sands on the seashore.

The portion concludes with a genealogy of Abraham’s family. At first glance, the parshah appeared disjointed to me, first we read about this incredibly intense test of faith, and then, out of the blue we are thrown a genealogy. While I am still not exactly sure how this flows, I think the text hints at the importance of family. While Abraham was willing to sacrifice his own son, and while their father-son bond might never be the same, they are still family, they still have connections to one another.

So, why did the rabbis decide to read this portion on the second day of our new year?

Perhaps they chose this text to remind us of the challenges in our daily lives, to remind us that while life might be challenging, whereas we might be asked to do tasks we don’t want, don’t feel up to doing, there might be some greater purpose to these actions. maybe this is to remind us of our roots, our genealogy, our support system?

Perhaps this is our wake up call, our time to announce “HINEINI, HERE I AM” I am ready for the task, ready to face the year, ready to commit. These texts in our parshah today are challenging, they challenge the human nature, they challenge the boundaries of comfort, what are we willing to sacrifice?

This year, may we find the strength within ourselves to call out HINEINI, HERE I AM in the face of a challenge. May we find the strength to support those around us who are facing a challenge and may we be blessed with the gift of success as we fill the blank pages of the book of life.

G’mar Chatimah Tovah, may we all be sealed in the book of life!

Shanah Tova!

"Losing my Religion: The Challenges of the year"

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Below is a copy of the d’var Torah i gave first day Rosh HaShannah at my home shul. The actual presentation may have varied from the written text! ENJOY!

Shannah Tovah!

“That’s me in the corner/ That’s me in the spotlight /Losing my religion /Trying to keep up with you /And I don’t know if I can do it /Oh no I’ve said too much/ I haven’t said enough / I thought that I heard you laughing”

While the words are from the band REM, the message is all too familiar in our lives, and in our torah portion.

Losing my religion… Life, death, the tumultuous cycle of the year. We have completed another year and are beginning another one. Here we stand, a year later, about to read the same torah portion we’ve read so many times before. So what? One of the pieces of Judaism that I find most compelling is the emphasis on repetition. Some of you might be bored, reading the same words, the same torah portion year after year, time after time. I, however, love the quest of looking for something new each time I read the text.

Our torah portion this morning is from Bereshit, Genesis, the beginning of the Torah, we’ll read it now, and we’ll read it again in a few weeks as it comes up in our yearly cycle. So, you might be asking yourself, what makes it so special? Why was this picked for the Head of the year?

In rereading the parshah in preparation for today, I have found Some interesting life lessons from the words we will read in just a few moments.

The reading begins with some very powerful words, “V’adonai Pakad et Sara.” And the Lord visited, or in our translation, took note of Sarah. The lord took note of Sarah when she was in trouble. The Lord remembered the words he had promised to Sarah and Abraham in their desire for a child.

The portion goes on to speak about the birth of Isaac, the child of Abraham and Sarah, Abraham does as God asks, and circumcises his son. Then we learn of Isaac’s namesake, the laughter that ensued when Sarah learned she and Abraham would be given the gift of a child in their old age. The torah tells us upfront that, Abraham and Sarah, doubted God, in fact, they laughed in God’s face, and yet, they were still given this gift. They doubted their faith, and still, God took note.

As the tale continues, the saga of Abraham, Sarah, Hagar, Isaac and Ishmael unfolds and the intersection of their lives reveals aspects of human nature that aren’t necessarily appealing. The first, and perhaps, according to some, most important lesson: ALWAYS LISTEN TO YOUR WIFE. Sarah tells Abraham to banish Hagar and Ishmael from their home. Abraham is a bit hesitant, however, God reassures Abraham that the right thing to do is to listen to his wife’s voice.

IN this interaction between Abraham and Sarah, Sarah appears jealous, unsure of herself, wanting the best for her son. One might even argue, that the jealousy Sarah expresses is out of her deep, passionate love for her family, and her fighting will to do anything she can to keep it together.

On the flipside, Hagar and Ishmael are banished from the house, end up alone in the desert, without food, water or shelter. Hagar fears for the worst, perhaps she is “losing her religion.” But, the boy weeps and God takes note once more. Again, God comes through, not neglecting even those who doubt God’s presence.

As the portion for today concludes, Abraham makes an oath with Avimelech, who points out to Abraham that God is with him in all that he does. A powerful message evidenced by the encounters with God of Sarah, Hagar, and Abraham.

Our parshah emphasizes God’s presence in the world, in the best of times and the worst of times. Our lives are similar to those of Abraham, Sarah and Hagar, we all have moments of disbelief; our job is to believe, to laugh, and to live.

As we engage in this gift of a new year, may we be blessed to laugh, to trust in God, to experience feelings of jealousy, but only because they represent a strong passion to protect those close to us, those we love, may we recognize the ways God is with us, even when we feel like we are “losing our religion”,——when we can’t feel God’s presence. May we be blessed in the ways of Abraham and Sarah, in their ability to Laugh, even in the hardest of times, and with the gift of God’s everlasting presence.