Today I was driving home from school after an intense week involving many conversations about where we will be in a year, what the future holds, many unknowable ideas and grappling this morning with my own struggle with God a song from my past came on the radio.
“Another turning point a fork stuck in the road. Time grabs you by the wrist directs you where to go. So make the best of this task and don’t ask why. It’s not a question but a lesson learned in time. It’s something unpredictable but in the end it’s right, I hope you had the time of your life.” ~Green Day
This song used to be one of my favorite songs, it provided me some sense of calm and comfort when it seemed my life was out of control, out of order, strange, frustrating. And today, it came on the radio as all these thoughts of change and moving were on my mind and once again I was calm. I am here at another turning point, a fork in the road. I don’t know where I’ll be 9 months from now. For the first time in my life I have no idea what comes next. Will I work in a pulpit, will I work in a school, will I combine the two? Will I stay in LA, will I move back to Michigan, Texas, the east coast? Will I have friends there? So many choices need to be made, some of which I have no control over other than trying my hardest, putting my best foot, face and mind forward and being totally fit for the job.
And then I was thinking about rabbinical school, what a strange, incredible, long, exhausting, exhilarating journey I have been on for the last 6 years. I have grown, changed. I have fallen in love, made a new community for myself. I have lost many loved ones. I have gained weight and lost weight, smiled, laughed, cried, screamed and argued my way through so many pages of Talmud. Through the history and tradition that I love so dearly. It has been an incredible journey and I would be lying if I said I was glad it is ending. I am terrified, but excited, certain it will be an experience like none other.
And I have learned. I learned a little bit about who I am, about what motivates me, about what terrifies me. I wrestle with God daily, with the question of God, with the relationship I have with God, with what I used to know to be true and can no longer believe. I learned about traditions, law, philosophy, and I only hope I can remember it all.