All I Ask – Parshat Yitro 5778


Last year as Shiri rounded the corner of three-and-a-half, we realized we were in for trouble. She’s a wonderful, energetic, and fairly typical kid, which means big emotions, a strong will, and a pretty strong desire for autonomy. Any one of these qualities is a lot to handle in an emerging human who doesn’t quite yet possess the ability to self soothe or hear the word “no.” Now put them all together, and Duncan and I were exhausted and at a loss as to how to reign in this behavior.

After a particularly stressful week when we felt like all of the boundaries and rules we thought we had set were at best ineffective and at worst causing more harm than good, we sought outside help. We discussed the situation with her preschool teachers. Their suggestion? Create a list of expectations together as a family and mount them on the wall.

It was brilliant advice, and it was helpful to hear it from another source even if I’d thought of it myself a hundred times before putting it into practice. The Torah this week offers the same brilliant advice. This week we read Parshat Yitro, perhaps one of the most famous portions in the entire Torah. The central piece of the portion is the giving of the Ten Commandments by God to Moshe and the people Israel. We now have a set of laws to live by, a guide to being a people living outside the confines of slavery.

Parshat Yitro comes as the Israelites are still adjusting to their newfound freedom. Their attitudes and behaviors aren’t that far from a very strong-willed three-year-old. There are outbursts at perceived injustices, complaints at the choices that don’t seem to cater to their needs, and a whole lot of whining. God invites them to unify under ten simple rules on which to build their society, and the expectations were set and mounted for all to see. And it’s not really about the number. Ten might seem like a lot of rules or barely enough, depending on how you look at it. The one overall theme is about taking responsibility for our actions.

Perhaps the personal struggle I mentioned brings back memories of raising your own children or reminds you of a challenging moment as a teacher or friend. The bottom line is sometimes we need to be told to make good choices . . . and a visual aid never hurts.

Laws and In-Laws – Parshat Yitro 5777


Marriage isn’t just a union of two people, it’s a union of two families. One of the challenging parts of getting married is establishing a new relationship with your partner’s family. Best case, your new in-laws are supportive, but considerate and respectful of your boundaries. Or you may have in-laws who mean well, but are unaware of their overbearing, overreaching presence. Most of us probably fall somewhere in the middle, and just as we have with our own parents, there are wonderful, close moments and moments when we need space.

Moshe, the great leader of the Israelite nation, is tested with the ultimate in in-law relationships in this week’s Torah portion. This week we read Parshat Yitro, perhaps one of the most famous portions in the entire Torah. The central piece of the portion is the giving of the 10 Commandments by God to Moshe and the People Israel. We now have a set of laws to live by, a guide to being a free, self-governed people outside of slavery. But before the Torah gives us these laws, it reminds us of the family relationship Moshe has with his father-in-law and how he sets up a legal system.

Moshe is the leader of a nation, attempting to please the people and God, and the last thing he needs is a nosey, bossy father-in-law to tell him how he should be running the nation. Turns out that is exactly what he gets. When it comes to adjudicating the nation’s problems, Moshe is still somewhat lacking. Unfortunately, he has created a system of long lines and dissatisfied customers. In comes Yitro, his father-in-law, with a plan, a plan that ultimately works to perfection and helps save Moshe as the leader of the nation.

For this to have worked, Moshe needed to have in place a trusting – or at the very least honest – relationship with Yitro. Clearly, there was some work that went into building this relationship for the situation to play out the way it did.

All family relationships have their fair share of difficulties, and sometimes in-law relationships can be some of the most stressful, simply because of the number of people to please and appease. However, if Moshe, the great leader of the Israelites, with all the stresses he must have endured could have this level of partnership with his in-law, certainly there’s hope – and room to grow – for all of us.

Do It Or Else – Parshat Yitro 5776

Do It Or Else

Raising my “threenager” (though she won’t be three until September, I’m pretty sure this term applies), I am constantly straddling the line between coercion and freedom of choice. In some circumstances it’s totally acceptable for my daughter to have the final say. Does it really make a difference if she wears the purple socks or the rainbow socks to shul? No, not as long as she’s wearing socks.

Of course there are times when Mommy has to put her foot down. As parents, we have to have our bottom lines. I’ve made peace with this, and I don’t mind standing firm on an issue that’s for my child’s own good. Rather, it’s the persuasion game that I don’t care for. We each develop our own bag of tricks (and threats) to use in cases when you need your child to do something you know she doesn’t want to do. I can tell myself a thousand times that I have her best interests at heart, but I often end up feeling guilty when I’ve tricked or threatened my toddler into following the rules.

Our Torah portion this week, parshat Yitro, paints a familiar picture of God as the parent. The text begins with the Israelites arriving at Mount Sinai and the preparations for the presenting and accepting of the commandments. As a side note, this event is sometimes called a “theophany,” which is a term of Greek origin to describe a manifestation of God. Following this momentous event, the Israelites are able to move on in their journey in the desert, now in possession of the laws meant to help them build a healthy society.

Chapter 19, verses 7-8 read: “Moses came and summoned the elders of the people and put before them all that the Lord had commanded him. All the people answered as one, saying, ‘All that the Lord has spoken we will do!’ And Moses brought back the people’s word to the Lord.” It sounds simple enough; Moses as the messenger shares God’s word with the people and they agree to follow it. But hidden in this simple encounter lies an unusual occurrence: the people all answered as one. Is it possible that the hundreds of thousands of Israelites standing at the bottom of the mountain all opened their mouths at the same time without arguing and agreed, together as a people? That seems more than a bit unusual.

The Talmud explains this phenomenon as God compelling them to answer by lifting the mountain over their heads, threatening to crush them with it unless they accept the Torah. That sounds to me like anything but free will. Another tradition likens this moment to God suspending the mountain not as a threat to crush the people, but to create a huppah, a wedding canopy, so that God and the Israelite nation are joined together in the covenant. While these two interpretations of God’s intent are polar opposites, it makes complete sense that an event of this magnitude would mix both joy and fear, the extremes which are illustrated.

Let us extend this idea further. Being a part of the Jewish community and living a Jewish life means that we have moments of intense joy and intense sadness. With as many life cycle events and holidays as we have, it comes with the territory. In either case these moments compel us to stick together and to speak as one. Furthermore, you may want to follow a strict Pesach kashrut practice, but decide on a less traditional Shabbat observance if that works for your family. If we’re always building, learning, and growing together as a people, the color of your socks – so to speak – is up to you.

Commandment of Choice – Parshat Yitro 5775


When I was in middle school my grandmother gave me a sweatshirt that read: “God created man before woman, but then you always create a rough draft before you create a masterpiece.” It was a funny one-liner, and at that time in my life when the differences between boys and girls were becoming more and more pronounced and when they were starting to notice those differences, this sweatshirt quickly became my favorite.

I wasn’t your average twelve-year-old girl. I craved religion and a leadership role in the synagogue.   But in my home congregation, women were not counted in a minyan or allowed to lead any service other than Kabbalat Shabbat or Psukei d’zimra. Many women didn’t wear tallitot, and I’d never seen any wear tefillin. But at twelve years old, I wanted it all.

I begged to lead as much of the service as they’d allow, and my mind was made up that I was going to wear tefillin. I don’t know what it was about those little black boxes with leather straps, but I was drawn to them. The boys and the other girls made fun of me because of it. The older men in the congregation thought it was wrong. Many of them stared. I didn’t care; I absolutely loved putting on my tefillin in the morning. I chose the mitzvah, and I didn’t care what anybody else thought. Looking back on that experience, I know in my heart that my attachment came partly from being raised in a family that loved being Jewish and partly from my ability to choose to take on this responsibility.

Our parshah this week, parshat Yitro, continues the narrative of Moshe as the new leader of a newly freed nation of Israel. After generations of slavery, the freedom of choice was not a familiar concept. And as the people were learning to discover freedom, Moshe learned every day what it meant to be a leader. Even Moses, the great leader of the Israelites, didn’t really choose that title. He insisted that he was the wrong person for the job, and God would hear none of it. We see Moses the leader struggling to find the passion in doing something he’s been told to do.

It can be difficult to love a job if you aren’t free to choose whether or not you want to do it. It happens all the time with adults and children. A student will write beautiful poetry . . . right up until poetry becomes an assignment, and the student shuts down. I hated carrots growing up, but I was required to eat my carrots at dinner. Years later, when no one was waiting for me to finish the vegetables on my plate, I actually found that I didn’t hate carrots at all. I just hated being told to eat them.

In parshat Yitro, God utters ten phrases that are often viewed as the be all and end all, ten demands and obligations upon us as Jews. But I believe that each one presents us with a choice. These utterances give us the choice to decide how we will act. Some come with explicit consequences attached, others leave it up to the individual to understand, but each one presents an opportunity.

  1. “I am the Lord your God.” Right at the start we are given the choice to believe and move forward on this Jewish path or walk away from faith.
  2. “Have no other Gods but me, and make no images.” Here we learn that apparently less is more, and the choice is ours to unbind ourselves from the physical and give meaning to the spiritual.
  3. “Do not use the name of God in vain.” Choose your words wisely and make each one count.
  4. “Remember Shabbat and make it holy.” You are in control of how you use your time. If you choose Shabbat, that holiness becomes a weekly part of life.
  5. “Honor your father and mother.” Choose to keep family and loved ones close or choose a life of solitude.
  6. “Do not murder.” Choose to sustain and maintain life.
  7. “Do not commit adultery.” As we tell children, choose to keep your hands to yourself.
  8. “Do not steal.” Choose to consider what you take away from others and what you give to them.
  9. “Do not bear false witness against your neighbor.” Choose an honest life, do the right thing, and give others the benefit of the doubt.
  10. “Do not covet.” Choose to accept and appreciate what you have, and choose to find balance in the material and the spiritual.

These mitzvot seem universal to us, so it’s odd to think of any of these ten having exemptions, but the world of Jewish responsibility is a tricky one. Some of our other mitzvot, like wearing tefillin six mornings a week, are time-bound obligations for men, while women are exempt. When I was twelve, I’m not sure I knew what “exempt” meant, but I knew I had a choice.

I’ve been asked, “What’s it like to be a female rabbi?” or “What can you offer as a female rabbi that a male rabbi cannot?” Truthfully, I believe that each human being offers something that no other human can, regardless of gender. But when I stop to think about it, as a female rabbi – and a female Jew for that matter – I have a distinct advantage. Besides being able to build and bridge relationships from a new perspective and serve as a positive Jewish role model for both men and women, I have an enormous opportunity. I have choice.

For me, the most powerful answer to the question of being a female rabbi comes from our parshah this week. At the beginning of Yitro, Moshe’s father in law asks Moshe about this Israelite religion, and then chooses to become a part of it. He chooses to join our people on their journey and chooses to accept the Ten Commandments and Jewish living not because he is obligated to, but because he wants to.

As a female rabbi and as a Jewish woman, I have the unique advantage of approaching my Jewish prayer, ritual, and life from the perspective of choice. I put on my tallit and tefillin not only because the text tells me to or because someone made me or even asked me to. I put them on because I want to, because I was able to explore their meaning and find my own connection. When I put on my tallit and tefillin, it is out of a passionate love for the traditions that bind me to my past, to God, and to the Jewish people.

Watching the younger children in services is heartwarming. They love tefillot, they are excited about the prayers, especially when they finally learn that one that they’ve been struggling with. You see, no one has told them yet that in just a few years they’ll be obligated to pray. When the students become b’nai mitzvah age, suddenly Judaism becomes a chore. Someone’s telling me I have to do this, therefore it must not be fun.

Living a Jewish life, especially when you’re in middle school, is often presented as a have to, a must, and not a choice. When we explain to teenagers the obligations we expect of them, sometimes the message we’re really sending is “It’s a good thing we’re making you do this, otherwise you wouldn’t want to.” For example, when we end the discussion of kashrut by simply saying that we keep these laws because God said so, we lose a precious opportunity to explain that we observe because we are asked to, but also because it fills every day with the recognition that we are a part of something bigger.

Choice is a pretty powerful thing. And if we can empower each other with the idea of living Jewish tradition by choice, regardless of age or gender, together we’re creating a masterpiece.