Daddy’s Girl – Parshat Acharei Mot Kedoshim 5775

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Daddy's Girl

I was most certainly a daddy’s girl. One of my favorite pictures is me at five years old with my parents. Of course it was meant to be a standard family portrait, but during one of our poses the photographer captured me staring up with my sweet little girl eyes directly at my daddy. If there was ever any question that I was a daddy’s girl, this photo says it all. And what am I doing now? Apparently I’m also raising a daddy’s girl. While Shiri certainly loves me, especially when she’s hungry, nothing compares to the smile that lights up her face when her daddy walks into the room. It is clear that she associates Daddy with rough-and-tumble silly time and mommy with eating, nose wiping, and diaper changing. To be clear, in our house we do engage in these activities equally, but Shiri knows who to go to when she wants to be goofy, and Daddy has me beat in that category.

It is certainly natural for children to identify with one parent or the other for different reasons. My father and I were alike in our love of Judaism and our passion for teaching, and my mom and my sister still have their own unique bond. Throughout history we also have assigned societal roles and responsibilities either to a mother or father, and these have evolved over the centuries. Many people grew up in a time when it was expected that fathers would be disciplinarians and mothers would be nurturers. Interestingly, this perhaps was never the view – or at least the only view – of Judaism.

This week we read a double parshah, Acharei Mot-Kedoshim. Parshat Acharei Mot deals with what happens after Aaron’s sons have offered up “strange fire” to God and with certain forbidden relationships between human beings. The structure of this section of text pushes us to look at our relationships with both God and others and see the boundaries and intimacies of each relationship. Parshat Kedoshim deals with what is known as the “Holiness Code” that helps us to understand how we can walk in God’s ways and create a community of relationship and understanding.

It is in this section where the Torah teaches, “You shall each revere his mother and his father, and keep my Shabbat, I the Lord am your God.” This mitzvah is similar to the commandment in the 10 Commandments, “You shall honor your father and your mother,” but with one small change. In the 10 Commandments, the mother is mentioned second in regard to honor, and in the Holiness Code, the mother comes first in regard to reverence.

Rashi, the great medieval commentator on text, suggests that our natural instinct is to revere (fear) one’s father and to honor (love) one’s mother. The Torah’s ordering of these would have us regard each of our parents equally with reverence and love and would have each parent represent both discipline and forgiveness in the child’s mind. According to Rashi, the scripture recognizes that there is an innate way in which we approach our parents, and thus we are encouraged to stretch beyond what is unmindful and automatic in order to give true meaning to respecting our parents.

Do you (or did you) feel a particular bond with one parent? A common sense of humor or love of a certain food? Please share.

Mind Over Matter – Parshat Tazria Metzora 5775

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Mind Over Matter

If you’ve been a parent of a toddler, you can sympathize with my frustration. When my daughter is hurt or upset, I wish I could really understand what she’s trying to communicate to me. Her language is progressing normally, but until she can formulate thoughts into full sentences, both parties are simply left exasperated. I can gather she’s in pain when she bumps her head and lets out a scream, and I can tell when she’s uncomfortable because she tries to take off shoes or her shirt. But most of the time, there’s a lot of guesswork involved. Equally frustrating is what gets lost in translation from me to her: that if she sleeps she’ll feel better, if she’d stop banging her head against the wall it wouldn’t hurt, or if she simply believed she could do something, she might try and succeed. A 19-month-old doesn’t always recognize the results of her actions, and certainly doesn’t have the self-discipline that we as adults have been practicing for decades.

On the other hand, we adults have the ability to not only feel our aches and pains, but also to verbalize most of what we’re feeling. We understand the cause and effect of our actions. By now I know that banging my head against the wall will led to a headache, and negative self-talk will probably not make me feel any better. This doesn’t mean I always act in accordance with my understanding of logic, but it does mean that in some small way I’m able to monitor and modify my experiences.

This week we read two portions, Tazria and Metzora. The text of these parshiyot tells us of the laws for the purification of both our homes and our bodies after disease or death has occurred. The laws remind us that our bodies and our places of residence need to be treated with respect. We also have the obligation to help one another maintain that same level of healthy living. What’s most interesting is the implication that a healthy life is in part a result of a healthy attitude and a consciousness of our actions.

In chapter 14, verse 17 we read about the obligation to use oil on the head, hand, and foot as well as sprinkled on the altar as a method of spiritually cleaning away an illness. The head, the hand, the foot, and the altar – each location specifically suggested to convey the idea that the recovery from illness is a combined result of our actions, our attitudes, and divine grace. That is to say that in order to heal from what ails us mentally, physically, and emotionally, we must act differently, we must think differently, and we must find a spiritual center for ourselves.

Perhaps as a parent, instead of waiting for my child’s understanding of the world to mature, I can adjust my own outlook. When I had a newborn, there was no way I could fully relay to her the cause and effect of her actions. It was only after enough sleepless nights I realized that if I changed my own attitude, it would ease my expectations and disappointment. Our mind, our body, and our soul work together, according to the Torah, to help us effect positive change in us and in our world. May that notion guide our thoughts and actions this week.

Living In A Godly World – Parshat Shemini 5775

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Godly World

Our world is material, as Madonna wisely observed, and as such it is hard to shy away from material goods. Our everyday lives are, for better or worse, often shaped and defined by our things. From the clothes we wear to the toys we buy, from the cars we drive to the foods we eat, we are all consumers. And the push for us to embrace our consumer culture is overwhelming. Commercials on TV urge us to purchase this or vote for that, and it’s hard to draw the line between fact and fiction when making a decision. Sometimes it seems like our daily lives are so incredibly wrapped up in consumerism and technology that we can get lost and forget what really matters most.

At first glance, it appears our Torah portion this week, parshat Shemini, is preaching the exact opposite of the material lifestyle. In its verses about sacrifices and the laws of kashrut, this section of Vayikra (Leviticus) is instructing us in the ways of a holy life, a godly life. But are a material life and a godly life mutually exclusive?

Let’s recap the parshah and find out. The book of Leviticus is focused mainly on the laws of sacrifice and the priests. The parshah begins with the words “On the eighth day” after the priests had been installed. The text picks up with the narrative of creating a holy leadership team of Aaron and his sons, who unfortunately make an offering without the appropriate directions or intentions and end up losing their lives. Following this tragic story are the laws for making time holy with sacrifices and laws for making our bodies holy by observing kashrut.

Towards the beginning of our text this week, we read about what it is to perform sacrifices and become closer to God. In chapter 9, verse 6 we read, “This is what the Lord has commanded that you do, that the presence of the Lord may appear to you.” But this line refers not only to the laws of sacrifices, but to our actions in general. Our actions, ritual and otherwise, are all meant to bring a God-like existence closer to us. All of our activities in the synagogue – prayer, classes, meetings, a family program, a meal, or even a stroll through the gift shop – should have the goal of feeling the divine presence. When in a Jewish context, the material things we do can contribute to the holy life we lead.

This is truly living in a godly world. It doesn’t mean abandoning our possessions, but it might require forgoing our obsessions. When we mingle our special holy selves with our everyday material selves, that’s when we bring God’s presence closer.

[photo credit: Madonna blowing me a kiss in front row 16th Aug 2006 via photopin (license)]

The Definition of Slavery – Pesach 5775

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definition-of-slavery

Avadim Hayinu, Atah B’nei Chorin – Once we were slaves, strangers in a strange land, building pyramids, answering to a Pharaoh, oppressed, tired, hot. Now we are free.

Every year at the Passover seder, we sing this upbeat song.

Avadim Hayinu, Hayinu, atah benei chorin, bnei chorin.

(Slaves, we were, now, we are free people.)

But are we really free? And how do we know for sure?

As typically defined, a slave is “a person who is the property of and wholly subject to another, or a person entirely under the domination of some influence or person.” And freedom is “exemption from external control, interference, and regulation.”

So based on these definitions, are you free? Are you free from external controls, from the influence and interference of others?

Passover is the holiday of freedom, the holiday during which we remember the exodus from Egypt.  Passover is the time when we remember our past, but on a personal level it’s a time for us to recognize who we are, and how far we have come from last year.  Here we are, halfway through another year. What does that mean?

Passover begins a period of counting.  We begin with the 8 days of the holiday, 8 days of matzah, 8 days of celebration.  Then we move on and continue counting 49 days until we arrive at Shavuot and the gift of the Torah.  And then we stop.  The rest of the year it’s so easy to lose track of time. I forget what day of the week it is, and before I know it, Shabbat is here again and I’m running around all over again the next week.  We often remark that a week “flew by,” but in reality, the week went by at the same pace it always does; it was still the same 7 individual 24-hour days. The week didn’t fly by; rather, we were too busy to take time and realize what was going on in the world around us. Why is it that for the next 50 days we are so aware of ourselves and the days?

We say in the Haggadah “This year we are still slaves; next year, may we all be free.”  And I have often wondered what am I a slave to?  How am I in bondage?  What makes us slaves?  Perhaps one answer is time. As much as I try to live each week fully, they fly by and the months are over so quickly. Sometimes I can barely remember as far back as two days ago.

Part of the challenge of Passover is knowing that next year we will reach the same point, but not knowing what will come in between, and worse yet, how we’ll fit it all in.  All we can do is strive to be more aware of every day, not just those that we count after Passover.  This year, as we count the days, weeks and months, may it be with anticipation of what is to come in the world. And may this year bring with it more freedom to enjoy those in-between moments that go uncounted. This year, we are still slaves to ourselves, to our work, to time; next year may we be free.

Experiencing Freedom – Pesach 5775

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plagues

Passover seder in my family is the event of the year.  For as long as I can remember we would start preparing for the seder well before Purim, not for the cleaning, cooking or purchasing, but for the games, activities, discussions and parody songs that would be created for the seder that year.  As three generations of our family sat together, we ate the same foods, told the same story, read the same Haggadah and responsive readings every year, but the conversations changed and the excitement always grew each year.  

Around the world, Passover is the most observed holiday on the Jewish calendar.  While not all Jews observe the laws of Passover to the same extent, the narrative of our people lives on through this holiday.  Every family has their own tradition that connects to Passover.  And, the experiential nature of the Seder lends itself to the enjoyment and understanding of young and old alike.  

The holiday of Pesach is often spoken about in Jewish education circles as the initial example of experiential education.   Coming before we had summer camps and youth groups to depend on to give our students an experience, the seder provides all of the essential elements to an educational experience.  It begins with the lesson plan, the 15 steps that let the learner know what will be covered during the “lesson.”  The Torah clearly gives us our educational objective – the SWBAT (by the end of the lesson, “Students Will Be Able To”) – in Shemot, chapter 13, verse 8, when it tells us that we are to tell our children on this day that it is because of what God did for me when I went forth from Egypt.  And so, we set out on this journey with the understanding that the seder is supposed to in some way explain to us and make us feel the connection with our ancestors in Egypt and the power of faith in God that brings us to each Pesach.

It is from this love that I offer the following suggestions to liven up the experience of your seder.  They have been compiled from many years of trying to please an audience from 3 years old to 85 years old.

1. Make a large poster board that lists the order of the seder on it and move the arrow down after each time you complete a step.  This way, no one has to ask when dinner is.
2. Instead of waiting to serve the meal at Shulchan Orech, offer a salad course, or dip like guacamole after the karpas so your guests’ tummies don’t start to rumble.
3. Pre-assign parts to your seder guests, asking each family to write their own meditation on a step of the seder to be shared that night.
4. Have your guests come in costumes; whether they dress as Egyptians, Israelites, or the 10 plagues, you’re sure to have a fun time.  Or, hold your seder in the family room so that you can really recline!
5. Create a mini seder plate for each guest.
6. When you reach the 10 plagues, instead of just reading through them, play 10 plague charades and have seder participants act out the plagues and other participants guess which plague it is.
7. Make your own Passover themed game to entertain guests after desert before finishing the Seder.  “Apples to Charoset” is my favorite, a take on Apples to Apples.  You can also play Passover trivia in the name of “Who Wants to be a Minyannaire,” “Wheel of Freedom,” “Pyramid,” or the ever popular “Jewpardy.”    Feel free to tweet me for any these games – they are our family’s creation!
8. If you have many seder guests over 21, have each of them bring a bottle of kosher for Passover wine to share and do a wine tasting with each glass.
9. Passover marks the freedom of the Israelites.  One sign of freedom is the ability to ask questions.  The sage Hillel used to put unexpected items on his seder table to provoke question asking.
10. The seder has many numbers associated with it: 3 matzot, 4 cups of wine, 4 sons.  For each pairing, see if you can come up with your own dedication for each one with relation to what it symbolizes.
 

Hag Pesach Kasher V’sameach, may this be a holiday of joy and rebirth for each of us.  

photo credit: Plague finger puppets. Win! via photopin (license)