Author: Eve Posen

Just Enough – Parshat Tetzaveh 5778

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I have a hard time with self control and portion control. I like sweets, I like salty foods, I like a glass of wine. I can usually set a limit for myself, but there are moments of weakness when I simply want to eat all the food I see. In particular, my sugar addiction is so strong that I actually wake up excited to take my daily vitamin, which comes in the form of a gummy bear. But, I have to remind myself that just because it is sweet and delicious does not mean that I can take more than the recommended dose. 

As with so many things, moderation is key, and there are limits to safe usage. Whether we’re talking about food or video game playing, watching TV or taking medicine, there are guidelines for appropriate use so that we maintain a healthy life and lifestyle. The Torah drives home this point in Parshat Tetzaveh. Parshat Tetzaveh begins with the instructions on using the anointing oils by the high priests and the directions for the sacred clothing of Aaron and his sons. It continues with the directions for building the breastplate and the tunic, the jacket, and the pants for the priests and then details how to sanctify Aaron and his sons in seven days of service. 

What I find intriguing is the final direction in the parshah. The final section of this text details the safe and appropriate use of the incense and other spices of the tabernacle. This is the first time that the Israelites will be engaging in this type of ritual and so, like the pharmacist distributing a medication for the first time, the Torah gives clear guidelines as to where, when, and how much might be used. As a refined recipe calls for just a pinch of a stronger spice, so too the Torah reminds us just a pinch of spice, a bit of incense can go a long way in establishing both ritual and sacred space.

A little goes a long way. Often we think of life in terms of bold flavors, grand gestures, big ideas, and major milestone moments. However, this week the Torah is reminding us that while all of those have their place in the world, the rest of life is made up of the intricate, delicate details. A light dusting of an unusual flavor, the handwritten thank-you card, a pink sunset – these are the things that bring life pleasure.

Give a Little, Gain a Lot – Parshat Terumah 5778

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I forget how old Shiri was when this started, but at some point she started to collect the change around the house and put it in the tzedakah box. It became a game; anytime there was any spare change hanging around, no matter where it was, she wanted it to go into the tzedakah box. This beautiful young child had no concept of saving for herself. Instead, her entire instinct when she found money was to give it to others. I credit Foundation School for most of this, but I also like to think that Duncan and I set an example of giving that she somehow has internalized.

The freeness Shiri exhibits in giving, the pure joy and open heart she wears, is something I hope she never loses. It’s also something I hope more adults will strive for, and the Torah this week shares that hope. This week we read Parshat Terumah, which reminds us of the importance of making these gifts just because we want to. The parshah focuses mainly on the building of the Tabernacle, the Mishkan, including what the ark and decorative pieces will look like. The instructions are specific, like what materials should be used, exactly how big each piece should be, and how the floor plan should look when the building is completed.

The text begins with a commandment to give freely of your heart, which, according to the rabbis, means we shouldn’t give begrudgingly. I think of all the times I’m asked to add a dollar to my order at the grocery store for this or that cause, or the very big asks at the half dozen charity dinners we attend each year. Sometimes I’m excited to give and support the cause, but we typically give because we feel an obligation. According to the Torah, that is simply not what counts. Giving to feel the pure joy of a three-year-old putting money in a tzedakah box is the expectation.

Recoupling – Parshat Mishpatim 5778

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Maintaining intimacy in a marriage after having children can be challenging, and we’re not the first couple to face that challenge. It isn’t for lack of trying, but with two kids (one of whom slept in a Pack ‘N Play in our room for 12 months) plus my own early bedtime to try to compensate for the kids’ early wake-ups, it can be very difficult to find adult time to reconnect with one another. We often find that if we can steal away for a midweek lunch or happy hour on a Friday that we’re much more likely to be better partners in parenting and in life.

When we build relationships, whether with a life partner or with friends and family, we arrive at a mutually agreed upon set of guidelines. These “guidelines” may remain unspoken, but in a healthy relationship there’s at least a presumed give and take. No one likes to feel as though they are being taken advantage of or giving more than they are receiving in a relationship.

The Torah we read this week comes from Parshat Mishpatim. Parshat Mishpatim is based on the notion that actions inspire other actions. The text begins with laws dealing with Hebrew workers and the if/then sequence determining how long a worker stays with his or her owner and what obligations the owner has to the workers based on their own family status. The text continues to discuss laws dealing with accidental versus intentional harm caused to others, followed by the repercussions of stealing, and then ending with the covenant that God makes with the children of Israel at Mount Sinai. Each of these laws is based on a reaction for an initial act, a balance in the relationship.

Chapter 21, verses 10-11 teach “If he marries another, he must not withhold from this one her food, her clothing or her conjugal rights. If he fails her in these three ways, she shall go free, without payment.” In other words, in a partnership, both partners are entitled to food (nourishment), clothing (comfort and warmth) and intimacy. These three building blocks maintain a relationship by encouraging growth, trust, and commitment.

The Torah this week reminds us that when we don’t take time to connect with each other, we “go free” from that partnership. We unbind ourselves from one another, which is the opposite of what a relationship should do. Whether it means taking time for a lunch date or even just a phone call where you don’t try to multi-task, the important relationships in our lives demand that we dedicate time to them to make them – and us – stronger.

All I Ask – Parshat Yitro 5778

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Last year as Shiri rounded the corner of three-and-a-half, we realized we were in for trouble. She’s a wonderful, energetic, and fairly typical kid, which means big emotions, a strong will, and a pretty strong desire for autonomy. Any one of these qualities is a lot to handle in an emerging human who doesn’t quite yet possess the ability to self soothe or hear the word “no.” Now put them all together, and Duncan and I were exhausted and at a loss as to how to reign in this behavior.

After a particularly stressful week when we felt like all of the boundaries and rules we thought we had set were at best ineffective and at worst causing more harm than good, we sought outside help. We discussed the situation with her preschool teachers. Their suggestion? Create a list of expectations together as a family and mount them on the wall.

It was brilliant advice, and it was helpful to hear it from another source even if I’d thought of it myself a hundred times before putting it into practice. The Torah this week offers the same brilliant advice. This week we read Parshat Yitro, perhaps one of the most famous portions in the entire Torah. The central piece of the portion is the giving of the Ten Commandments by God to Moshe and the people Israel. We now have a set of laws to live by, a guide to being a people living outside the confines of slavery.

Parshat Yitro comes as the Israelites are still adjusting to their newfound freedom. Their attitudes and behaviors aren’t that far from a very strong-willed three-year-old. There are outbursts at perceived injustices, complaints at the choices that don’t seem to cater to their needs, and a whole lot of whining. God invites them to unify under ten simple rules on which to build their society, and the expectations were set and mounted for all to see. And it’s not really about the number. Ten might seem like a lot of rules or barely enough, depending on how you look at it. The one overall theme is about taking responsibility for our actions.

Perhaps the personal struggle I mentioned brings back memories of raising your own children or reminds you of a challenging moment as a teacher or friend. The bottom line is sometimes we need to be told to make good choices . . . and a visual aid never hurts.