Author: Eve Posen

The Lesser of Two Evils – Parshat Vayeishev 5772

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Decision making is difficult; we are often left to make choices that we don’t want to make.  If you’re like me, you might make a list or weigh the pros and cons of each decision.  When it looks like there might be no “good” outcome, we’re forced to make a decision based on which choice leaves the least negative outcome.
Being caught between a rock and a hard place is exactly where a few of Joseph’s brothers find themselves in parshat Vayeishev.  In this week’s parshah, we are once again regaled with Joseph’s imagination and the sibling rivalry it causes between him and his brothers.  The brothers decide to sell Joseph, Jacob mourns for his son; Joseph ends up in Egypt and eventually in jail for a misunderstanding with Potiphar’s wife, and Judah gets into trouble with a woman named Tamar.  Throughout this section of text, we see the brothers deciding in their own ways how to treat Joseph. 
But let’s not jump too far ahead.  While the brothers are out to pasture with their flock, they conspire against Joseph.  When they see him approaching from a distance, they whisper to each other that they should kill him.  As the brothers are plotting, Reuben chimes in.  In Chapter 37, verse 21, the text teaches us that Reuben tried to save Joseph from them.  He suggested, “Let us not take his life; Shed no blood!  Cast him into that pit out in the wilderness, but do not touch him yourselves.”  The text finishes this passage in verse 22, adding that Reuben intended to save Joseph from the brothers and restore him to his father, once he was able to return and help him out of the pit.  While we do not know for sure the reason behind Reuben’s actions, we can infer that as the oldest son, Reuben would be held accountable for Joseph, so he faced a decision: either become an outcast among his brothers for standing up for Joseph or face the wrath of Jacob.  Neither sounded too pleasant to him.
Judah, on the other hand, suggests that the brothers not kill Joseph, but rather sell him to the traders passing by.  Both Judah and Reuben, in their own ways, suggest compromises, neither of which is particularly brotherly, but each would prevent Joseph’s death.  While they might be praised for looking out for the life of their brother, Joseph, the Babylonian Talmud teaches in tractateSanhedrin that while Judah saves Joseph’s life with his suggestion, he is to be condemned.  One is not to be praised merely for being less wicked than one’s companions.  While Judah chose the lesser of two evils, he was still choosing an evil action. 
Our tradition also teaches that Reuben returns to the scene of the crime and sees that Joseph is gone. Thinking that his brother is dead, Reuben tears his own clothing in mourning.  Reuben assumes that despite his efforts, Joseph has died, but in fact it was Reuben’s suggestion in verse 22 that saved Joseph’s life.  Sfat Emet teaches that often we despair that the good deeds we have done have made no difference, when often they have made a great difference. 
Ideally, we wouldn’t have to make choices between the lesser of the two evils, but the real lesson is knowing that all decisions matter to some degree.  The best choices we make, while they might seem small, could mean the world to someone else. 
ללמוד  To Learn: ללמד  To Teach: לשמור  To Keep:  לעשות  To Do: This week’s parshah shows us how siblings can both protect and harm one another, and how our actions, even with good intentions can have a serious effect on others.  The Jewish value Kol Yisrael areivim zeh b’zeh, “all of Israel is responsible for one another” reaches us that if we see something wrong happening to our fellow, we must stand up and act now.  In this season we often hear about others who have trouble finding warm clothes, food to eat or a job.  And yes, sometimes this is because of their own poor choices, but in the end we are responsible to help others when we can.  Talk with your children about their decision making process, map out Reuben and Judah’s decisions and see together where the faults are.  And then, try to spend a few minutes helping others in whatever way you can.

The Worst-Case Scenario Torah Survival Handbook – Parshat Vayishlach 5772

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I find it a bit humorous when someone asks “What’s the worst that could happen?”  Usually this phrase comes up when you’re about to take a risk or decide to do something you’re unsure of.  It’s meant to sound comforting, the encouragement to move forward and take the risk, and yet when you stop to think about it, there are plenty of worst case scenarios that aren’t comforting at all.  In life, when we’re faced with a challenge, a decision to make, when we need to face our past or an uncomfortable situation, we often prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
This week we read parshat Vayishlach, the continuing narrative of Jacob’s life.  The text tells us of Jacob’s preparation to meet with his brother Esau, the dream he has that changes his name to “Israel,” and Jacob’s move to Shechem where his family encounters drama and finally the death of Isaac, Jacob and Esau’s father.  We read about the death of Rachel and the birth of Benjamin.  While the text is filled with decisions and reminders of life’s ups and downs, the text begins with Jacob considering his own worst case scenario.
If you recall, Jacob was forced to flee from his home after his mother Rebekah conspired with him to get the birthright that belonged to his older brother, Esau.  Jacob runs to the wilderness, where he has vivid dreams of angels on ladders and a few additional epiphanies as he tries to figure out what to do with his life.  Parshat Vayishlach begins with the reunion of Jacob and Esau after this long absence.  Jacob, trying to figure out how this meeting will play out, sends messengers ahead to his brother to test the waters.  The messengers tell Esau about Jacob’s wealth and request for peace; they return sharing news that Esau himself will come to meet Jacob.  You can imagine at this moment Jacob has a million different scenarios running through his head, and hearing his messengers share that Esau has 400 men with him was probably not reassuring.  Jacob reacts by separating out his camps; he splits his family on opposite sides of the river, a clear sign that he expects the worst from this encounter. 
It is in this moment of fear and dread that we see a significant change in Jacob.  The last time he was scared, he turned to pray to God, but his prayer was like a bargain.  God, if you do this for me, I will setup an altar to praise you.  This time, Jacob’s prayer changes.  He prays for safety and security rather than making a bargain with God because he realizes that he has nothing to offer.  Instead, Jacob reminds God of the promise to protect him, to bless him with many children, wealth and love.  Jacob knows that trust in God means understanding that God’s promise will not be fulfilled if Esau kills him. 
As it turns out, all of his imagining a worst case scenario was merely a mental exercise because when Jacob and Esau are reunited, they embrace and cry.  Often, thinking of the worst case scenario gets us all riled up to expect the worst, so we are not able to be clear headed and hope for the best.  This week, Jacob not only shows us how his prayers have matured, but how he’s able to confront his fears. 
Being prepared for a potentially bad situation is a helpful defense, but being able to give something – or someone – the benefit of the doubt is equally as important.  We have to remember not to let our imaginations run away with us.  If we prepare for the possibilities, but still expect the best in people, we might be surprised. 
ללמוד  To Learn: ללמד  To Teach: לשמור  To Keep:  לעשות  To Do:   As we read this week’s parshah, we see that Esau is willing to change.  He takes a step back from his anger, from his rage against his brother from their childhood and embraces his own flesh and blood with warmth.  Often in our lives we hold on to the negative and forget to embrace change.  Later we see Joseph forgive his brothers for an even worse transgression.  We learn the power of forgiveness from these role models.  As we approach the end of the year, start to talk as a family about letting go and moving forward. 

Up, Up and Away – Parshat Vayeitzei 5772

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What goes up must come down.  A lesson learned after my balloon floated away from me to the high ceiling of the synagogue.  I was reassured over and over again that eventually the balloon would shrivel as the helium escaped, and my balloon would come back to me, albeit slightly smaller.  It always made sense to me that before something could come down, it needed to go up, but this week’s parshah brings new understanding to this concept.
This week we read parshat Vayetzei, which in English means “and he went out.”  The parshah is about Jacob leaving his father’s home, on the run after he receives the blessing of the first born meant for his brother.  On his trek, Jacob lays down for sleep one evening and uses a rock as a pillow.  As he sleeps, he dreams of angels of God going up and down on a ladder.  Though it seems like semantics, the question that arises is how can angels go up and then down?  That order makes sense for a balloon, but shouldn’t angels come down from the heavens and return up?
The commentator Rashbam, Rashi’s grandson, suggests that this order isn’t a literal description; rather, we say “up and down” because it is proper for us to first mention the attributes of a person that lift them up in our eyes, then – and only then – to remember when they have fallen.  That is to say, we are to always focus on finding the positive in each individual.  It is our job as members of a community to lift one another up, to bring reminders of the positive and look for the best in one another.
I am often asked why our forefathers are the men we look to as the great leaders of our people. Aren’t the first words we read from Abraham (asking Sarah to pretend she is his sister) part of a lie?  Isn’t Isaac too quiet and passive?  And what does Jacob’s lie to Isaac say about his character?  It’s important to remember that the task of building a nation of people doesn’t come easy.  Yes, theTorah tells us that our nation has come from them, but it took many tough choices and stumbles along the way.
Jacob is on a journey and not really sure where he will end up.  During Jacob’s travels he will eventually meet up with his Uncle Laban, be tricked into working seven years for Rachel, but marrying Leah instead, only to work longer to marry Rachel, his love.  Jacob was at a point in his life where it would have been easy to only see the angels come down, where everything could have felt like a giant weight on his shoulders, but God, acting as the great cheerleader, reminds him that there is always a way up. We can learn the same lesson as Jacob: to look for the upside first and make that what we carry with us.
ללמוד  To Learn: ללמד  To Teach: Chapter 30 of Bereshit speaks about Rachel’s attempts to overcome infertility.  The matriarchs, Sarah, Rebekah and Rachel each have a struggle with childbirth and infertility in one way or another.  Their struggles are still felt today by many families in our community, and treatments can be very costly.  Consider making a donation to Priya: A New Fund for Jewish Reproduction of the Dallas Jewish Community Foundation.  The word “Priya” is Hebrew for “Being Fruitful.”  This fund provides education to the Jewish community about infertility as well as financial assistance to Jewish families experiencing infertility.
לשמור  To Keep:  לעשות  To Do: Parshat Vayetzei is full of interesting family dynamics, one of the most prominent is the importance of children to a family.  Children represent the continuation of a family line.  This week, let your children know that you treasure them.  On Friday evening for Shabbat, give them a blessing.

While Supplies Last – Parshat Toldot 5772

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What happens when something is in short supply? Economists suggest that demand increases. And in today’s consumer culture, lessons of supply and demand are endless.  From sports tickets to the latest iProduct to even Passover food on the grocery store shelves, the lesson of buying early is one quickly learned.  And then of course we have to ask ourselves what does our “scarcity” mean next to the short supply of food and resources we see in so many other parts of the world?
This week we will read parshat Toldot, which illuminates the intricacies of the relationships between Isaac and Rebekah, Jacob and Esau.  The parshah begins with the birth of the twins, Esau and Jacob.  Right off the bat, we learn that Isaac and Rebekah had difficulty conceiving, and when the children in her womb argued, she wondered “If this is so, why do I exist?”  From the outset, we know there will be trouble, quarrelling, questioning.  At their birth they are named based on their characteristics: Esau emerged red, and covered in hair, while Jacob emerged holding onto the heel of his brother.  The description of the birth of these twins is important because according to theTorah, the first born child receives a special blessing.  In this case the first born, Esau, is supposed to receive the blessing from his father, a blessing for him to be the master over his brothers, and to be the blessed one. 
The scarcity we see in parshat Toldot is the scarcity of blessings.  Rebekah knows that Esau is supposed to receive the blessing of the first born, and in her mother’s intuition sees that Jacob would be better suited for this role.  Jacob spends his time trying to “win” the blessing from his brother, Esau.  Isaac also can’t imagine a world in which two children receive blessings, so he is stuck when Esau comes to him for his blessing after the blessing of the first born is already given away.  He responds that there is no other blessing left to give. And not one of the three of them considers that there might be more than one blessing to go around.   The blessing is seen as a limited resource.
It is actually Esau, who is not always portrayed in the best light, who seems to have the best perspective on the situation.  While Esau may have been careless in trading his birthright so quickly, he seems to recognize that blessings are one of the few things that can come in abundance.  When he hears that Jacob has received the blessing of the first born, Esau begs for another blessing.  Esau believes that there must be more than one blessing to be given out. 
Perhaps it’s Esau who teaches us the lesson here.  Blessing is what we make of it, so how can it be scarce?  We may not necessarily have the best of everything, or get exactly what we want, but each of us has blessings to give and blessings to receive.  We have a choice in how we view our world. Parshat Toldot imparts that from generation to generation the world might be bumpy and challenging, but there are always blessings, we just have to open our eyes to see them. 
ללמוד  To Learn ללמד  To Teach: the Talmud teaches that we should strive to say 100 blessings every day.  Even in the roughest of moments there is room for blessing.  Instead of focusing on the negative, focus on the positive, what can be learned or taken away from every situation. 
לשמור  To Keep:  לעשות  To Do: Thanksgiving is a great time to focus on our blessings.  Check outhttp://freedomsfeast.us/index.html for some creative and meaningful ways to get the most out of the thanksgiving experience. 

Where Everybody Knows Your Name – Parshat Chayei Sarah 5772

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I’ll never forget my first trip to Israel.  I was in 10th grade, and I went on the Ramah High School program for a semester.  I remember landing in Israel and feeling a rush of emotions as I realized the history of the land I had just entered.  I had always been told that this was my land, the land of the Jewish people.  I wondered if it would feel like it was mine.  Shortly after I arrived, we settled into our dorm and began classes, trips and exploring.  As I soaked it all in, the land did feel like mine and I had an instant connection, but at the same time, I still felt a little out of place.  I wasn’t Israeli and I had no family there, so on weekends when other kids would visit their family, I would feel left out, like this wasn’t my land at all.
I imagine that this feeling of being at home and yet not being settled is a common one.  These days people are constantly on the move and settling in new places.  The same holds true for the patriarchs and matriarchs in our Torah.  In this week’s parshah, Chayei Sarah, we find Abraham in this same predicament.  The narrative continues with Abraham finding a wife for Isaac, Isaac marrying Rebekah, and Abraham’s death.  But what happens at the very beginning of the text is the death of Sarah and Abraham needing to find a place to bury her.
Abraham and Sarah are living in the land of Canaan, the land that God had promised him, but they are not native to this land and are living as liminal people.  Abraham recognizes this as he proclaims in chapter 23, verses 3-4.  “Then Abraham rose from beside his dead, and spoke to the Hittites, saying, ‘I am a resident alien among you; sell me a burial site among you, that I may remove my dead for burial.’”  Abraham is described as ger v’toshav, literally, a “stranger and a dweller.”  These are two opposite identities that come together in this moment for a singular notion.  The underlying reason that Abraham mentions this is because as a non-resident, he cannot purchase land.
What lurks behind Abraham’s statement is his own uncertainty about his standing in the community.  At this moment he makes a jarring transition from being a husband and part of a couple to being on his own.  For the first time in the Torah, Abraham is without his partner, and the land that he is living in feels foreign to him.  Abraham is fearful that with this new status, those who’ve known him all along will see him as other, alien and different.
The people of Abraham’s community had a choice.  They could have pushed him aside or left him on the outside because he was different.  Instead, they chose to welcome him and accept him as a fellow resident.  They respond in verse 6 by telling him that they admire him, saying “You are the elect of God among us.”  The people with whom Abraham was living didn’t see him as a stranger, they saw him as one of their own.  Their eyes saw what Abraham couldn’t see himself.  Abraham was the one who called himself a stranger and alien, he saw them as different from him, while they saw him as part of their community.
As we move through our lives, we each end up in different positions and hold different statuses.  We can’t expect every place we go to feel as familiar and comfortable as Norm’s bar stool at Cheers. We might find ourselves in a place of radical change and feel very different from everyone else around us.  Or, we might feel like this is our place, but everyone else has changed.  Parshat Chayei Sarah stands as a model where all people were accepted.  When vulnerability was not only recognized, but embraced.  It’s easy to obsess about an uncomfortable situation or about being in a new environment, but consider the example in this week’s parshah, and let us aspire to embrace each other in our vulnerable times.
 ללמוד  To Learn: ללמד  To Teach: this week we learn about the immediacy of burial after the death of a loved one.  The text teaches in chapter 23, verses 3-4 that Avraham did not waste a minute in his grief focusing on himself; rather he immediately focused on finding an appropriate burial ground for Sarah, his wife.  This text teaches us that the human dignity extends not only to the living, but to the dead.  That even in our moments of deepest grief, we must seek to comfort all in our presence.  For more information check out different books on Judaism and mourning such as A Time to Mourn, a Time to Comfort by Ron Wolfson.
לשמור  To Keep:  לעשות  To Do:  Too often we shy away from talking about what makes us uncomfortable and how we can make sure others don’t feel the same discomfort.  Discuss with your kids the criteria for creating a welcoming and inviting space?  Also for discussion:  when you’re in a place that doesn’t feel comfortable but needs to, how might you change the feeling of the space?