Surreal

it feels surreal, like he’s just in the bedroom, taking a nap. He’ll be up in a minute. At times it’s like this past summer never happened, we’re just the girls, getting ready for passover, he’s just in the next room, preparing himself. and then the seder comes, and he’s not leading it, I am. I expect him to walk in, sit down, and in his own way, lead the seder. I try so hard to live up to his example, to make him proud, to continue the tradition. but i wish, i would give anything for him to lead it again. Did I really do a good job? Did I remember all the pieces, did I do it right? did i add enough of my stuff? did i keep enough of his?
I come home and I expect to see him waiting for me, give me a hug, welcome me home. It doesn’t feel real, but it’s all too real.