*the Drash I Delivered before Ne’ilah on Yom Kippur to the PicoEgal Minyan. This is not at all how it came out of my mouth*

10 days ago Jews sat together as the birth of the world was celebrated. We took joy in the new year, and we were reminded of our mortality. In just the last 10 days we’ve seen who will live and who will die, who by water- the floods in the South East and who by fire. Our mortality is known, God is judge. We may not have begun the act of teshuva of asking for forgiveness 10 days ago, some of us are planners, some of us began working on the journey of asking for forgiveness long before Rosh HaShannah. And others in this room might be procrastinators, trying to get it all in right now, in this last service before the book of life and to quote reb mimi the book of not so much are sealed. Some of us fall in between. Wherever we fall on the spectrum, we’ve made it here to this moment.

We have this feeling of accomplishment, We’ve made it, we’re almost there. As a child, I remember coming to services for Neilah, there were no children’s services, everyone was in this serious, sort of loopy mood with the affects of the fast weighing heavily on their bodies. I remember my mom and dad talking about standing for an hour, how they dread it every year. My grandparents, sat down while the ark was open, something I’d never seen. And all I wanted to do was wait for Havdallah when I would get my glowstick and get to play on the Bimah.

It was very easy for my parents, who had been fasting all day to focus on the pain of Neilah, the need to stand for what feels like forever. It is easy for us to want to really get through Neilah, we’ve spent the day beating our chests, standing, sitting, reflecting, we’re done. Our mind starts to wander; our feet might hurt, our tummy’s are rumbling, we’re tired, and rightfully so. The challenge is to stay focused.

It says in the talmud, Masechet Brachot, at the opening to the fifth perek- Ein Omdin L’hitpalel ela mitoch Koved rosh. One should not stand to pray (usually the Amidah) without Koved Rosh- without proper intention in their mind. The Talmud goes on with a lengthy discussion of what this means, and what each suggestion has in common is that one should not stand to pray without a clear mind. Without the space to have uninterrupted communication with the divine, one should not pray.

The Talmud goes on to have a discussion of what it actually means to have Koved Rosh- some might translate it to mean a heavy head. One can only stand in prayer if their head is burdened, if they feel the weight of their deeds. Others interpret it as having Kavanah, as having the proper intention. As being able to focus your mind solely on the task at hand. Prayer is not something that you can multi-task at. You have to be present.

In a few moments we will open the Aron, as a symbol of the open gates to the Temple and metaphorically, the open heavenly gates. We will speak of God as as Noten Yad Le-Foshe’im the god who spreads our his hand in forgiveness to sinners. A God of forgiveness. When all else fails in the work we do, God will forgive.

We are at the last level, the final push towards really entering a new year with a clean slate. Hopefully we have done the work needed to arrive at this moment of Neilah before the gates have closed and really truly stand as individuals, stand as ourselves in pure concentration, pure meditation on what it means to stand before God.

As we begin to chant the last Amidah of the season of repentance, say that last vidui prayer, I challenge each of us to really stand with Koved Rosh, focus your intention on the process, on the meaning, on the work we’ve done together this last 25 hours.

The challenge is to get over the physical stress and really live in the spiritual challenge of being present. Let us stand here as a community with Koved Rosh, with intention, with focus, with love.

A very wise man once wrote to me: I just want you to know that careers and life are not the same. You can change careers and you can change locations but your life is whatever you are and wherever you are. I am not sure I understood what he was saying when I first read this as I was a senior in College, but now, this year, it suddenly makes sense.

This past Shabbat, we read from Parshat Nitzavim Chapter 30 verse 19-20 states:

I call heaven and earth to witness against you this day: I have put before you life and death, blessing and curse, CHOOSE LIFE- if you and your offspring would live, by loving the Lord your God, heeding his commands and holding fast to him, for thereby you shall have life and shall long endure…. ETC.”

The parshah we read leading up to Rosh Hashannah and this new year implores us to choose life. This implies that our destiny is in our hands, we have the choice- CHOOSE LIFE!

This seems fitting as we enter into Rosh Hashanah and a new year. As we will read shortly, today the world was born, HaYom HARAT OLAM- we have a clean slate, a clean beginning. We have the choice to choose how our world will shape up in the next year.

And yet, The text of the Amidah for Musaf states in the Unetanetokef prayer- on Rosh Hashannah it is written and on Yom Kippur it is sealed- God determines the destiny of living creatures- Camah Ya’avorun v’chamah yibarun, Mi Yikyeh u’mi Yamut, Mi B’kiso u’mi lo bkiso, mi ba’esh u’mi ba’mayim, etc. How many shall leave this world and how many shall be born into it, who shall live and who shall die, who shall live out the limit of his days and who shall not, who shall perish by fire and who by water, etc.

This implies that the choice is not in our hands, but God’s hands- our fate is sealed. Since I moved to Southern California, it seems even more real with the fires, earthquakes, mudslides, maybe I don’t have the choice.

So what do we do with these two seemingly contradictory pieces in our texts. As we enter into this task of spending time with ourselves, taking inventory of the past year, trying to seal ourselves into the book of life, we have this task- choose life, choose to live, work on yourself.

The Slonim Rebbe had some of the same questions that I had- is it in our hands, or God’s hands? How can I choose life if it says in the liturgy, God will decide? He teaches that there is a difference between the spiritual and the physical- the text of the unetanetokef- we will live and who will die? is speaking of the physical, those things which we all realize we have little control over. While the text in Nitzavim teaches us on the spiritual, CHOOSE LIFE- it is we choose to live a Godly life, we have the power to choose how our spiritual life will pan out.

It seems to me that these texts always come hand in hand, we have the choice to live, and when we aren’t strong enough to make that choice, God will help us along. We are living in a partnership, to choose life is to choose our own path, to believe, to pray.

That wise man was reminding me that the choice is mine. As we enter into the Musaf, we stand before God, vulnerable, open, exposed, take a moment to make your own choice, with the silence left by the lack of the shofar, take the time to choose life, which direction will you go? With this gift of time, which will you choose? Life? Change? Blessing? Here we are given a gift, the lines to God are open. We are here in this place with one task at hand. We are to take stock in ourselves, open our minds and hearts, speak to god. What is your choice?